Wednesday, 2 February 2011

"Well, today's going to be great, Mum..."

“Well, today’s going to be great, Mum.”

That’s what my fifteen-year-old son said this morning when he came into the living room, bleary-eyed and dressed only in his pj bottoms.

Oh good, I thought, at least someone’s going to have a nice day, because so far, mine’s been a pile of shit—literally. (Explanation in a minute if you can bear it.)

“No, I’m being sarcastic,” he said.

“Oh, right, what’s happened then?”

“I was half asleep and sat on the toilet, didn’t realise the lid was down, and slapped my balls on it.”

Yes, we’re very open in our house about stuff like this.

“Oh dear,” I said.

“And I’ve also got my jabs today, so it’s going to be really great…”

He has his teenage inoculations at school today, so he hasn’t been looking forward to it. Naturally.

So, he went off to get breakfast, my youngest son was cracking the hell up at his brother’s sore balls, and I sat here thinking my day hadn’t been too good thus far either—and if our lives are governed today by problems to do with the toilet, I want no more of it.

1. I woke with the headache I went early to bed with—don’t you just HATE it when that happens?—and told myself I must give in and visit the opticians. Working on this computer for 12+ hours a day for the past few years has been taking its toll on the old eyesight.

2. I woke with the shits, terrible tummy pains preceding any expulsion from my body, and I can only blame the lamb kebab I ate last night.

3. I woke looking like a trog. Bags under my eyes, pronounced wrinkles, and thinking I need to earn enough money to get a facelift. Also liposuction, a tit job, and stomach-pouch removal. My body isn’t what it used to be and I’m really pissed off with the way it keeps doing these horrible things without asking my permission. Like sagging and gaining ravines. I have a new yoga DVD that I wanted to try this morning in an effort to tone up, but considering the way the day has started, I dare not attempt it. I might tie myself in a fucking knot and remain that way all day, alone on the floor until someone comes home, finds me there, glances at me nonchalantly and asks, “What’s for dinner?”

Now that would really put the icing on my cake for today.

4. Once the boys left for school, I visited the toilet again, only to find I’d sat with my top’s waist-tie thingy dangling down the shitter. A change of top later, I managed to get my smallest to school, only to discover I’d left her water bottle at home. No biggie, but still, it pissed me off.

5. I left the school to be gawped at by the male variety of our species. What’s with men seeing a denim mini-skirt and ogling? I’m wearing it over my LEGGINGS for fuck’s sake, hardly bloody sexy. I thought the words pervert, arsehole, I just saw your wife in class, and walked to our little shop.

Inside, I noticed a buy-one-get-one-free offer on Twinings tea. I bought peppermint to ease my raging tummy, camomile that boasts it will calm me, some raspberry effort, and my normal green tea.

Yes, I was sad enough to take a picture of it for you today. I had to get SOME fun into my life.

6. I left the shop to be ogled again by a different man, who I wanted to kick in the bollocks and shove backwards by palming his forehead. I stalked off thinking: That fucking tea had better work, or I’m likely to burst.

7. The headache grew worse after yet another man stared at my legs. Just eff off, will you?

8. I got home, saw the heap of laundry, the unmade beds, the overflowing kitchen and bathroom bins, and thought: Eff you.

9. I took a photo of my companions for today. Without them, I’ll go crazy. And no, that bottle of wine in the background isn’t mine. I don’t “do” red, but I’m seriously considering it. And while I'm in moaning mode, I'd just like to say I hate the fact it says "effective pain relief" on my headache tablet box. I should bloody well think so! NON-effective just doesn't cut it, does it? And yes, I'm well aware smoking kills, but if I don't have them, I'm likely to.

10. I should clean, should proof a book, should should should, but I’m worried, the mood I’m now in, that I’ll cock it up. The peppermint tea has gone down nicely, eased the stomach pain, so that’s something. Next on my list is the calming camomile. And a cigarette.

How has your day started? Are you having one like me—and I sincerely hope you’re not—or are you having one that has decided to go right?


N.J.Walters said...

You poor thing. Have another cup of tea and have a nap. It's the kindest thing you can do for yourself today.


ev said...

It's 630am and I have to go shovel-again. Because someone broke the snowblower and didn't tell anyone. We're supposed to have sleet later and I'll have to go do it all over again.

I fucking hate winter.

anny cook said...

Chamomile tea. Have some. And take a nap. Maybe some toast with it.

Here? We're getting ready to go out in the rain for the hunk's doc appt. Then perhaps something to eat. Maybe. Depending on the weather.

Tess MacKall said...

I went to bed early because I was so tired I could not stand myself another second. AND I got up tired. I have a list a mile long and too sleepy to do it. I might just go back to bed and sleep another couple of hours and hopefully wake up refreshed.

It's raining like crazy here and that in itself makes me want to sleep. No amt of caffeine seems to be helping the situation either. I've had two cups of coffee already and I'm just plain sleepy.

I would tell you all about my gripes of now but then I wouldn't have a damn thing to blog about next week here and that in itself would be a blog now wouldn't it?

sighhhhhhhhhhh Glad the tea helped your tummy.

Faith said...

I didn't sleep last night. Finally dropped off around 5 or 5:30. Thought all night as I lay awake on the fold-out cushion---because my shoulders were killing me and the hubby was snoring in bandsaw mode---that I should get up and work on something, but was just too darn tired.

The wind is howling here today, more snow is due around noon, and the sky looks like a really bad bruise. It doesn't bode well for the weather ahead.

My house is a mess too, and I don't give a shit. I'm tired, tired, tired. No tea, but I've got some good dark roast Maxwell House at my side.

Hugs to you, hon. We can whine together, lol. Besides your post did make me laugh!

James L. Hatch said...

It could be worse. My wife wakes up to a hubby who is perpetually on a natural high. Even when she feels like shit (e.g., her recent root canal) I always greeted her with "Good morning, dear! Hope you're having a great day! What's for breakfast?" Now, I know that might sound a little sexist, but at this house we have a firm rule. She cooks; I do the dishes. Been that way for almost 20 years and who am I to change it? Loved your blog and found the British expressions intriguing.

Willa Edwards said...

I'm buried in snow, but that's actually pretty good for me. I'm sitting at home, with my two kittens and reading everyone's blog (which I never get the time to do because I'm working). So all in all not a bad day.

writerwellness said...

All signs are pointing to going back to bed with an ice pack on your head and written instructions on the kitchen table to order out tonight. (If your house is like mine, you need to remind them in writing to get you some food, too.) Feel better!

Sarah Masters said...

The camomile worked, N.J. I had a day of tweaking a manuscript and writing a little bit. I think tonight I'll get off here early and try to relax!


Sarah Masters said...

Oh, Ev. Someone broke it and didn't say? Very naughty of them. A total shitter you've had to shovel this morning.


Sarah Masters said...

Hope the doc appt went well, Anny, and you managed to eat out for lunch.


Sarah Masters said...

Yeah, Tess. Save your gripes for next week. You can fill your week with no problem, you poor thing.


Sarah Masters said...

A shitty weather day for you then, Faith. And tired--tell me about it. I could just do with a holiday by the sea right now, but it isn't going to happen. POO!


Sarah Masters said...

James, gimme a bit of your morning enthusiasm, fuh fuck's sake! I sorely needed it this morning.


Sarah Masters said...

Brilliant, Willa. I'm glad you're having a goodun!


Sarah Masters said...

LOL writerwellness. Ice pack? Yikes! I think that would have made it worse. It's still there, and I have a sore throat now too, so it looks like, along with the shits, I have a bug. GREAT!


Faith said...

Sarah, a holiday by the sea sounds like a dream come true. I have a stronger word that "poo" for it not happening, tho, lol.

Sarah Masters said...

Me too, Faith, LMAO!


Harlie Reader said...

OMG, lmao. Some days are like that and you think, why did I sign up for this? We are open at house and imagine my surprise when our 5 year old son came into the bathroom one morning when I was getting ready for work and told me that his privates were big and then showed me. I swear my hubby and I still laugh about it.......

Melissa Bradley said...

I feel for you. I had asimilar day yesterday. Now, I'm sitting under 2 feet of snow, no plowed street yet and a headache. But, my day is far from being a total shit sundae. So big virtual hugs to you, my friend. I hope it all gets better quickly.

Cassie Exline said...

Hope your day is much better. No headache for me, I'm quite cheerful, although I'm running on almost no sleep. I have no sane reason why I feel I must remain awake "in case" the electric power goes off, but apparently that's my calling. With all this ice and wind one never knows. Will admit the trees are beautiful on the mountain. :) Boy do I need a nap.

Sarah Masters said...

Oh bless him, Harlie. Kids are so cool because they have none of that "society says you mustn't say this" going on. Brilliant!


Sarah Masters said...

Thanks, Melissa. Hope your headache buggers off. Mine's still here. Tabelts just aren't shifting it.


Sarah Masters said...

LOL Cassie. I'd stay awake too, just...well, just because. Glad you're chipper!


C. Zampa said...

I you would say...bloody guilty for day has gone pretty well.

Hope you day improves!

She said...

While misery loves company, I must say my day was nowhere near ours. I have to admit it did provide a good laugh so my day is really good. Hope you get rid of the headache and your son's feeling better too.

Sarah Masters said...

I'm glad it went well, CZ. I wouldn't wish my yesterday morning on anyone!


Sarah Masters said...

She...that's the main thing, that you got a laugh. My husband laughed when I told him I'd shit on my top, so the badness of yesterday wasn't in vain.


Janice said...

Hi Sarah,

I'm sorry your day was so effed up.

For the last five days I've been off the internet. My internet payment went missing. The echeck was sent off on Friday 13th of all days and was never deposited. So no payment and no internet. My hubby had to go to the next town to get it going again.

Bless the man, he even bought me a new internet stick.