Friday, 25 February 2011

Oh my God, my parents have sex!

Our guest author today is Shiela Stewart. Enjoy her humorous post and sexy excerpt.

Yep, news flash, every parent does. How do you think you came about? Yet kids think it’s the worst thing in the world to hear the action coming from their parents' room. Teenagers are the worst.

But what’s worse is hearing your child say, “What the hell was that thumping in your room last night?”

Sibling: “What the hell do you think it was? They were having sex.”

Child: There is no damn way that was them having sex. Dad can’t move that fast.”

Another news flash. Adults do have stamina. And, they do enjoy having sex, often. We like to get it on and we don’t appreciate you ragging on us for it.

When our children are small, having sex is no big deal. The children are innocent and have no idea what is going on behind their parents' closed doors. Well, unless they happen to run into your room amidst wild thrusting, and starts crying that daddy is killing mommy, then proceeds to jump on the bed, arms thrashing while Tab A is inserted into Slot B and you’re buck naked. Then you’re stuck trying to console a crying child while your hooters and wang are bouncing everywhere and explain that daddy wasn't hurting mommy, followed by fielding the endless questions of why he was on top of you and why you’re naked…. But I digress….

**clears throat**

As I said, When you’re children are young, you can have sex anytime you want. Kids go fo

r a nap. Have sex. Kids watching a movie. Have sex. But as they age, it’s not so easy. So parents have to steal moments whenever they can.

My kids are all over the age of sixteen. They know we have sex, but for some reason it’s the worst thing in the world, though they have no problem teasing us about it.

Oldest child: “I’ve been traumatized. My bedroom was directly under their bedroom for years. I had to listen to them go at it all the time.”

Middle child. “Yeah, well now my bedroom is below theirs and I hear them all the time. I need a shrink!”

Youngest. “Well my room is right across from theirs and I hear them the loudest. No wonder I’m messed up.”

Oh, for pity sake! What can a person to do to get laid when their kids are grown up?

Fear not! There are ways.

Wait until the kids head off to school or work then hurry your butt to the bedroom, or sofa or anywhere else you desire to do it.

If you have a detached garage, why not sneak out of the house and have a quickie on the hood of the car.

Tell the kids you’re heading out for a walk then find a spot in the backyard where you won’t be seen or heard and act like teenagers.

While those are all well and good and will probably add some excitement to your sex life, there is nothing like making love in your own bed, then cuddling up beside your mate and enjoy the afterglow. So how do you manage to do the deed without getting complaints from the kids. Share your thoughts and ideas with me and one commenter could win a free copy of my newest release, Horsing Around.

Horsing Around: Bk 1 in the Carnal Desires series

Available at Breathless Press

Shiela’s website:

Carnal Desires website:


Carnal Desire’s: We've got a match for all your sexual pleasures.

Sara Miller needs a real man. One who can give her what she desires in and out of the bed. So far, none have met her expectations. She’s hoping all that will change after submitting her application to Carnal Desire’s Web dating service.

The owner of several prize-winning horses, more money than he knows what to do with, Andy McDonald has it all. Except for the love a good woman. He’s sick of flighty bimbos wanting only his money and not satisfying his sexual desires. After a friend pressures him into looking on line for a woman, Andy gives in and submits his application.

Sex takes on a new twist when Sara and Andy get together and nothing is taboo.


Sara’s heart was beating so hard, she was sure Mistress Bella could hear it. She could very well turn tail and run. Why did she need a man in her life right now, let alone someone she might consider for the long haul?

Then the door opened. Before her stood the most gorgeous man she’d ever seen.

He wore nothing more than a towel around his hips, dipping low enough to reveal a thin line of hair from his navel down. His chest was glistening with moisture from the shower he’d obviously just stepped out of and was firm and muscular. His sandy blond hair was damp and messed up. He had a bit of stubble on his face, which made the ruggedness even more prominent. And when he smiled, those big blue eyes twinkled. He was definitely yummy. His picture didn’t do him justice by any means. Sara nearly swallowed her tongue.

Then he spoke.

"Well howdy, ladies."

Her heart calmed. His slight Southern drawl, with its deep resonance, was soothing and somewhat relaxing. And very arousing. She loved a man with an accent, and even though Andy’s was faint, it was still enough to turn her on. Between her legs, her flesh began to swell and moisten.

"Good afternoon, Andy. Looks like we caught you in the middle of your shower."

He stroked the damp sandy-blond hair from his face and Sara nearly swooned. "I just stepped out. I’m running a bit behind, I’m afraid." He turned his attention to Sara and her pulse pounded in her ears. "Pleasure to meet you in person, Sara."

She took the hand he held out to her; he completely surprised her when he turned her hand over and brushed his lips across her knuckles. "Pleasure’s mine." Like tiny electrical charges zapping every sensitive nerve in her body, he had her quivering with that one simple gesture.

"Well, come on in and make yourself comfortable while I go change."

He stepped aside to let them in and as Sara walked past him, the scent of the woods after a light rain shower wafted off of him, like fresh, aromatic greenery touched by a kiss of sunlight. She was going to have no problem at all being with this man.

She and Bella headed to the sitting area of the suite while Andy headed to the bedroom. It was spacious, and came complete with a mini kitchen, sitting area, TV and plush sofa and chair. Almost identical to her own suite.

"Pretty easy on the eyes, isn’t he?"

Sara smiled at Bella’s comment, taking a seat on the sofa. "I’m not having any trouble looking at him."

"And what better first meeting than to see him practically naked." Bella winked and beamed a huge grin. "Well, I’ll leave the two of you to get acquainted now. If you need anything, you know where to find me."

"Thank you so much, Mistress Bella."

"I love making people happy. I’m heading out, Andy," she shouted at the bedroom door.

"Catch you later, sugar." He stepped out of the bedroom, dressed in jeans and a dark blue t-shirt just as Bella left the suite. "Looks like it’s just you and me now, doll."

God, he was going to make her come, just by speaking. "Looks like.” She got to her feet. “So…how should we start this?"

"Let’s start with this as an opener."

He swung his arm around her waist and she gasped when he yanked her against his chest.


Sarah Masters said...



Anthology Authors said...

Mine is still young, so I'm in luck. LOL My parents were never ones to hide their attraction to each other. I was aware they'd had sex (there were four of us after all), but I didn't really think about it that much. (grin) I learned from an early age, though, if the door was closed, you did not enter their room.

Wench Writers said...

I bought a waterbed, told the kids it is too heavy for the upper floor and moved our bedroom into the basement. LOL. We go down to "do laundry" a lot.

Summer Falls

Anonymous said...

Take advantage of the young age, AA. It doesn't last long. LOL

Thanks for stopping by.

LOL about the Laundry Summer.
Hubby and I considered moving our bedroom to the basement, but I’m quite attached to my ensuite bathroom.

Anthology Authors said...

My mother installed a waterbed outside by the pool for tanning...she claimed. It makes me wonder now... (g)

We do, Shiela. Of course our bedroom has at least two rooms between us and hers, so we should be okay. (g)


Abigail-Madison Chase said...

Too funny....although I still say my parents have NEVER had sex! LOL!love the excerpt

Anonymous said...

LOL Marci, that is too funny. I bet you mom really enjoyed her water bed. LOL

You're too funny Abigail. I never ehard my parents have sex. Probably because my mother was in her 40's when she had me and my baby sis. By the time I was old enough to know wat sex was, I thought they were too old to do it because they might die from it. LOL

JM said...

I love this blog. Shiela, hilarious.
Best method we found was putting them at the opposite end of the house. We've been lucky in that the last two houses we've been in, kids bedrooms have been a mile away.
If you don't have distance, locks work great. Just be aware, they usually figure something is going on the first couple times you lock them out of the house. Then the little boogers start remembering where the spare key is, and you better be done by then...
Great post!
Ha, the word verification is 'typonot'.

Janice said...

I'm still working on that one. My daughter is nineteen now and still lives at home. But at least she's not telling me "It's gross that you two still do that!"


Deena said...

We've mastered the art of simultaneous sleepovers at friends' hosues for our daughters! lol Then we get teh whole house and night to ourselves... no interruptions. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi JM! Unfortunately, the bedrooms in my house are at the back of the house and across from mine.

Locks have worked, but my kids know not to enter our room if the door is closed. And they know very well what is going on. Unfortunately, being quiet while we're doing the deed is also a problem. Seriously, who has silent sex?? LOL

Anonymous said...

Hi Janice and Deena!

My children are 22, 18 and 16.

Unfortunately, only my daughter still has sleepovers so that's out. And its rare,I mean RARE that all three kids are out of the house at the same time. Sigh....

Kimber An said...

Take it from someone who's studied child development and worked as a professional caregiver for years.

Teens may tease you and act like its disgusting and all that, but...

...during a very insecure time in their lives when everyone else's parents are breaking up and their friends dump their boyfriends and girlfriends every other day, it's actually...

...very reassuring to them to know that their parents are still into each other.

So, don't broadcast it to them on purpose. That really would be gross and psychologically damaging.

But, when they tease know that you're reassuring them of their family's security and helping them learn how to have successful relationships for a lifetime.

I always tell my daughter, "Falling in love is easy. Staying in love, now that's hard!"

Kathleen Ann Gallagher's Place to Reflect said...

So, you think it's bad when the kids are little. Our son moved back in, and he's in his twenties. I'm getting used to saying SHH! to my husband.

Awesome excerpt!

lisagk said...

Our son, 19, went away to school for a year, wonderful time for us. Then he came back, had to start making up errands to send him on, you know, go the grocery and fill this list, that kind of thing. Used this ploy from the time he turned 16, but it is always rushed. He moved out again for a few months, again, bliss for us, but kids these days are rubber bands, they bounce back home. Loved the post. lisagk at yahoo dot com

Fiona McGier said...

Our young adult kids stay up later than we can manage to these days, so we often turn the stereo on in our room and hope it's loud enough. Our daughter will tease us the next day, "What, were you guys sexing it up in there again?" I once asked our oldest whose room is right above ours (we remodeled the family room into a bedroom/office/master bathroom, and got a fireplace in our bedroom that way!), "Do you ever hear noises coming from downstairs?" He gave me an eye-roll and replied, "Honestly, Mom, the way you two are, if I didn't hear noises down there I'd think you had died!" I guess that means he's okay with it? Yes, it was MUCH easier when they were too young to know why we were putting them to bed so early sometimes!

Molly Daniels said...

LOL:) My sis reminded me of a conversation when she was about 9 and I was 14. She had come home early in the morning after a sleepover next door, and as she entered the house, she heard Mom yelling.

Sis: OH NO! Is Mom hurt?

Me: They're having sex, stupid. I hear them several times a week. Mom screams; Dad says 'Oh, oh...' and then she sighs and I hear the toilet flush.

Sis: That's DISGUSTING! I'm NEVER doing that!

I have no memory of that particular conversation, but as my bedroom was next to my parents', that's exactly what went on. I used to turn my stereo up if they were 'taking a nap' on the weekends. But at night...I heard everything.

Faith said...

Shiela, have you ever seen that stand-up routine Jeff Foxworthy has about him and his wife putting the kids to bed then running like mad people down the hall to their bedroom only to hear, "Daddy, can I have a drink of water?" and he acts like he's been shot as he's running. OMG, I laugh so hard every time I see him do that one because it's so true!

I have four kids and have raised five stepchildren and two extra children. It's a wonder I even know what sex is anymore!

Robert C Roman said...

Ours are still 2 and 6, so we're not at THAT point yet, but we do have a 16 year old neice who is our 6 year old's favorite person in the world. She gives us snark when she notices us doing anything lovey.

We put up with it. When she's over, she's in the living room watching TV, the 6 year old is hovering near her (and NOT near us) and the 2 year old is hovering near him. Which means WE get some time alone.

Of course, the Ur-Goth and I have A Plan for the later teen years, at least. The day after the 2 year old turns 18, we're going to start having sex on the living room sofa. We'll stop when they're both moved out. I figure twelve, fourteen hours after we start, he'll have a lease signed and a moving truck rented.

OK, that's the plan, anyhow. Not that my plans and reality have ever been close or anything. :-D

Shiela Stewart said...

Kimber Ann!

I never announce when my hubby and I are about to do it. I'd be even more mortified than I am when they say, they hear us. LOL

Kathleen Ann! I knw right? same with us. I'm always asking my hubby, "Was I loud?" LOL

Lisa! LOL, That's easy with one kid, but three...hard to send them all on errands at once.

Shiela Stewart said...

Hi Fiona!

LOL, kids. What can you do with them. I like that you moved your room downstairs. Good idea. Wish we could do that.

Molly! That is priceless!

Faith! No, I never did see Jeff Foxworthy but that does sound hillarious. And yeah, it's a wonder you remember sex with that many kids about. LOL

Shiela Stewart said...

Robert! That is a good plan. Love it!!! I remember sex on the sofa....ahh those were the days. LOL

Shiela Stewart said...

I've chosen a winner for my contest and she is..... Abigail Madison!! WOOO HOOO!!!

Email me at shielas @ remove the spaces.

Thank you to everyone who came out and responded. Loved what you had to say!!

And thank you to the 4 strong women for having me. You ladies rock!!

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