Monday, 14 February 2011

Spider-tized!


One of the many reasons we were desperate to move out of our old house was because our landlord did nothing to fix the house. I. Mean. Nothing.

So it was old. It was falling apart. And it had a lot of visitors that everyone except the Adams Family would force to leave.

Regardless, I was terrified of going into the basement, especially after we discovered a copperhead lying next to the washing machine. Ever see anyone pole vault without using a pole?

Our shower cubicle was in the basement, so you can see what a dilemma this presents.

I had the hubby sit on the stairs and watch the floor as I showered. Well...he said he was watching the floor, but somehow I don't believe him. {grin}

Even my kids would go downstairs and shower, but not me. Nope. Not unless someone perches on the stairs with a .22. I'd rather take a ricochet bullet than to deal with an accidental "tourist" in my basement, especially in my shower cubicle.

One day I finally got enough ass behind me {looks behind self...yup, there's enough there} to wash clothes. I took the oldest dau downstairs and we began the arduous task of fighting with the wringer washer. I looked over and spotted the biggest damn spider I've seen in a long, long time.

Now, mind you I'm not afraid of bugs...well, save for bees because I'm allergic to them, but spiders, freaky looking things with antenna and other appendages don't bother me (unless they look slithery, then I squeal. No, scratch that...I shriek like a fire siren and pole vault without a pole). My dau, Jade, on the other hand is the type to poke a snake but will shoot to the moon over a spider. {heh, what can I say, we're a neurotic family} I point out the spider and she---

FREAKS!

Uhm, okay, so I decided to kill it.

So, I take off one of my hubby's big steel-toed boots... All right, wait a minute. I have to paint this picture for you: Daisy Duke shorts, oversized tee shirt, and huge black boots that lace up (but are left untied) and that feel like they weigh twenty pounds apiece. Hey, what can I say? I was prepared for something creepy-crawly on the floor, not something boasting eight legs with fuzz and wearing a spiked collar that said: Don’t Mess with the Arachnid Bitch.

Anyway, I raised the boot, and as I did, I took a closer look at the spider.

Hold the phone. That sucker's got a body. No, I mean a REAL body. One with meat and taters on its bones.

"Here, Jade. You kill it." And I walked away.

"WHAT???"

"I don't do meat and taters. That sucker might slap me back."

I gotta say the girl's got gonads. She took my boot and aimed...aimed...aimed again, hesitated, aimed...

"Oh hell, Jade. Just whack the shit outta it."

She then started laughing. "You're telling me to whack the shit out of it and you chickened out?"

"Damn straight. I'm a coward—and I admit it."

She handed me the boot, walked across the basement to the woodstove and picked up the ash shovel. She returned and whacked the hell out of the wall. CLANG! She missed the the spider, but the wall will never move again.

"You missed."

"I got it!"

"You missed that sucker."

"I saw legs go squish!"

I shook my head. "Nope. You missed."

"I didn't...I hit it!"

I crossed my arms. "Well, then wedge your ass in between the wall and the washer and produce a corpse."

She started feeding clothes into the rinse tub, and I returned to feeding clothes through the press. Reaching into the water for more clothes, I produced a broken, wriggly rubber band.

I went apeshit.

After I stopped screeching, Jade looked at me and said, "Only you, Mom, and over a stupid rubber band."

"Hey, I'm still traumatized," I said.

Now, however, we have a nice home. However, I’m still on the lookout for anything that wiggles, slithers, or skitters whenever I’m in the laundry room.

17 comments:

Hales said...

*giggling my ass off* Was no spider? Thats freakin hilarious. I am with you though... I don't do spiders. Got bit on the face by a recluse when I was in the military sucker ate a hole in my cheek and after it healed for years whenever I got stressed I'd get a sore in the same spot. Ugh.


Snakes....I'd be a hawt freakn mess of screaming woman even if was a simple garden snake.

My kids would say mama you were a soldier...you know...shouldn't you NOT be scared of the little things?

trinity said...

Hell spiders give me the creeps. One night I sitting and watching TV when one dangled down from his web right in front of me! Talk about screeching! My daughter laughed and said, "Mom I've never seen you move so fast." Of course laptop was in my lap which was now on the floor! Thank god I didn't throw it, but it did hit the floor fast.
Just thinking about gives me the creeps.
Trinity

Keith said...

I love tarantulas, but anything smaller gives me the willies.

How dumb, huh? I'll hold and even pet tarantulas and snakes, but a teeny spider, and those millipede things, gets me screaming my darn head off.

- Nicki

Faith said...

I sympathize with you Hales and Trin! Garter snakes will send me to the moon let a lone a poisonous snake. We even have timber rattlers and cotton mouths around here! ACK! Give me a spider any day!

Faith said...

OMG, Nicki! Millipedes and centipedes are CREEPY!

Maeve said...

Hahahahaha! Thanks for a great start to my Monday. Always love your posts. :)

Anthology Authors said...

Eh, spiders don't bother me much. I'm not fond of the poisonous ones, but rather than kill them, I'll take them outside. I'm not really that afraid of snakes...provided they aren't poisonous. My high school biology teacher had a boa in the classroom. We used to hold it all of the time. :)

That being said, the time I was in a dry wash and found myself surrounded by sleeping rattlesnakes did set my teeth on edge. Okay, I nearly pissed my pants. Obviously, I made it out alive.

Now, cockroaches freak me out, especially the big ones that can fly and look at you like they are considering landing on you. Or when they come running out from under bathroom cupboards and beeline for your naked, wet body. Yeah, that will set me off.

Bobbye Terry said...

Tarantula lovers? Not me. I live it TX and these tarantulas mean business. As for spiders, one with meat and tanters would give me pause, though I;m still wondering if it were truly a spider. !?!
Bobbye

Miz Love said...

LOL

:o)

Faith said...

Hi Maeve! Glad you got a laugh!

Marci, I know what you mean about roaches. We once lived in town and every time we thought we'd gotten rid of the pests, they'd appear again.

I have a coupla friends who live in TX, Bobbye, so I know what you're talking about re tarantulas. As for the spider we were trying to kill, it was what we call a wolf spider. They usually don't get very big, but when they do, they look like a cousin of the tarantula!

Tess MacKall said...

LMAO...spiders and snakes are a big NO NO NO for me.I totally understand your pain. lol

Faith said...

I'll freak out over a bee worse of any insect, Tess. I used to have to go and have allergy shots every week when I was just a tiny thing, so bees bother me. I'll take a spider over a bee any time.

Snakes, however...EEEEKKKKKK!!!!

Cassie Exline said...

Spiders and bees don't bother me, but I scream the entire time I'm killing them. But SNAKES -- absolutely no way. I'm terrified.

Fiona McGier said...

My 3rd son used to want to be an entomologist, so we weren't allowed to kill any bugs around him. We trap the spiders and if it's warm put them outside in the bushes, and if it's too cold out there, we put them into the crawl space to eat all of the other yucky residents in there. They have pretty much learned to stay out of our bathroom shower stall, which is next to the crawl space door. Bees and other flying insects can be stopped dead by spraying them with hair spray. When the kids were babies I didn't want to use anything with "cide" in it, since it was poison. So spray anything with wings with hair spray, and it closes off the air holes on their wings and they drop to the ground; never seen a bug trying to apologetically crawl away so fast once it realizes it can't fly anymore and you now have the superior advantage! ;-D And as long as the snakes and other woodland critters stay out of my camper, I'll stay out of their dens too.

Faith said...

I didn't know that about hair spray, but I'll remember that. Plus hair spray is half the price, if not cheaper, than buying Raid and other insecticides.

Janice said...

My mom freaks over black widows. Unfortunately we have a lot here in my home town.

But I don't.

Which is fortunately a good thing because the house I live in now is over a hundred, and is spider haven.

When we first moved in I was getting ready for bed, brushing teeth etc. Then went to lie down by hubby but ended up staring at my pillow. "Why is there a smear on my pillow?"

Him: "Oh, I saw a huge big ass spider on it, so I killed it. I saved you."

Me: "Yeah, thanks." I flipped the pillow over and tried not to think about what was on the other side.

The next night I was getting ready for bed again. Go into bed room and stare at my pillow. "Why is there gray goop on my pillow again?"

Him: "It was the darnest thing. I looked at your pillow and there was another huge spider. I killed it too."

Me: "I see that." Flip over pillow, see there is no clean side then change pillow case.

Turned out the huge spiders where in the huge double windows, under the ancient drapes. Needless to say I got rid of the drapes and spiders.

On a side note, over the summer my daughter's now ex came over to help with setting up the pool. There were black widows in the box. Big ones the size of your thumb. The ex and the other young man, both screamed and ran in opposite directions.

And I thought women were the only ones that screamed at spiders?

Janice~

Faith said...

Janice as nasty as my nutty ex is, he had one thing that terrified him. Spiders. It didn't matter if they were the size of a dust mite. If he knew it was there, he was freaking out like you would not believe.