Monday, 17 October 2011

The Mysterious Mystery of the Elusive P-O-O-P

Help us welcome S.J. Drum today.

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Romance Authors have accomplished a feat the likes of which the real world cannot ever hope to achieve. I’m writing, of course, about the complete and utter eradication of Poop.

Am I the only person who, while reading romances, thinks about poop?

A common occurrence of “the Elusive Poop” is a story in which the heroine is handcuffed to a cot for two weeks and there is no mention of where she did number two or what happened to it after the evil deed was done. Even if she was nearly starved, sometime in those fourteen days she had to take a deuce.

If this situation occurred in real life, would the hero stumble over a bucket full of feces while attempting to rescue the heroine? I think I might be so mortified by the thought of a sexy warrior witnessing the aftermath of tainted water and non-existent restroom facilities that I would be wishing against rescue …

While I completely appreciate the need for brushing aside the unpleasant details of human body functions, I still find myself wondering about them while reading. I too write romances. I have not, and do not, intend to ever include the subtle nuances of uncontrollable, stress-induced, ass-blasting diarrhea.

Still, I find myself contemplating the pooping situation in nearly every book I read. In historical romances, where the hero and heroine often travel together for days and days at a time, I ask you … When did they poop? Was there a discussion? “Och, Lass. Doona mind the sounds. Me needs to leave a growler in yon bushes …”

I also think about poop whenever anal sex is introduced into a story. While I admit that I’m not experienced in the ways of anal sex, I believe if I were approached with the proposition, poop would be my very first thought. Yet, no one seems concerned with this when the impromptu butt-loving is initiated.

Am I to believe that the untried, inexperienced heroine isn’t worried about what the hero will find when he dips his stick in her dark tunnel? Am I to believe that the perpetrator of this act, the hero, has not one single moment of hesitation when he wonders if there’s a double-decker knocking at the other side of his woman’s round door? Has this ever happened? Has a penis ever been denied entry to the Exclusive Anal Club by reason of “full occupancy”? I do not know. Perhaps someone could enlighten me.

Do not misunderstand, I have no wish to write a scene which includes such details nor do I want to read a scene that includes them. I’m merely pointing out the lack of poop in the fictional world of romance as an object of consideration. Am I alone in noticing? Do you question when, where, and how pooping is accomplished?

If only reality could be more like fiction. Without poop, the world would be a peaceful place, devoid of cart-filling, bank draining bundles of 4ply toilet-paper and smelly gas station restrooms. If life could eliminate poop, no wife would have to endure being asked, “So, you wanna do it?” Directly after hearing the harmonic sounds of her husband laying a log cabin in the thin-walled bathroom. Stomach cramps would never attack on a first date, rendering a woman incapable of a graceful exit. Without poop, all the adventurous lads and ladies out there could enjoy unplanned anal sex without fear of encountering the much lamented brown roadblock.

*Sigh* If only life were like fiction …

I’d like to thank Four Strong Women for inviting me to Guest Blog and also extend an invitation for everyone to stop by my personal blog, Supernaturally Challenged. If you like quirky rants about everything from publishing to parenting, you’ll love my blog.

I am currently working on an Urban Fantasy series, SURPRISINGLY SUPERNATURAL, under the name SJ Drum. I also have a Women’s Fiction novel set to be released through Eternal Press in February 2012 entitled A LIFE BEYOND YESTERDAY , written under the pen name Clara LaVeaux.

19 comments:

Anthology Authors said...

HAHAHAHAHA, SJ. I've never thought about it, but you are right. Many romance authors gloss over this part of life.

In one of my books, I do write a scene where the heroine has diarrhea. It's a comedic scene, if you can imagine that. (g) Well, the entire story is a romantic comedy, so I suppose I can get away with writing a scene about poop. ;)

Marci

SJ Drum said...

Marci, I would totally read that! Fictional women hardly ever have periods either ... I wish I could be fictional. LOL

Cornelia said...

Hilarious. So funny. I actually attended a panel at the RT convention in Houston several years back on the body functions of vampires, eating, drinking, and using the restroom. With a few well known authors of vampire romances explaining what their particular vampires did or didn't do.

Brooklyn Ann said...

LMAO!!! This is my favorite blog post of the day. At least when I write vampires, they don't poop...but as for my human characters...hmmmm I have done fart jokes, but fall short of referencing the release of the chocolate hostage.

widdershins said...

Ah-h the euphemisms we use.

I wonder what the taboo's are in other genres?

Diane Scott Lewis said...

I, for one, have always wondered about bodily functions, too. I actually had my heroines in two books use, gasp, the chamber pot. People weren't too put off by it. I prefer to write more true to life, but my books are straight HF.
I laughed out loud at your Scottish hero needing to leave a growler in the woods. That was hilarious!

SJ Drum said...

Cornelia- I wish I could have listened to that panel discussion!

Brooklyn Ann- "Chocolate Hostage" I've never heard that one before and I'm going to tell it to my husband the first chance I get! HA!

Diane- I always wonder what happens after a heroine uses the chamber pot. Does it stink up the room? Who removes it? What do they do with it? Has a hero ever tripped over it and spilled some on his shoe?

Widdershins- Maybe middle grade fiction's taboo is booger eating ...

Lexi said...

I think about underarm hair and hairy legs sometimes when I read historical romance. Also, toothbrushes, or the lack thereof, and BO. There was a reason they wore those wigs during the Georgian era, and it had more to do with dirt and head lice than fashion. Ew.

Ginger Simpson said...

It's nice to know I'm not alone. I posted a similar blog last year. After watching soap operas where the divas wake up without a make-up smudge and roll over into a full mouth open miss with morning breath, I had to say something when two characters were trapped in a mine shaft for a long time, and like you, I wondered when and where they pooped. *lol* Someone has to bring these things to light...I feel assured I'm not tackling the endeavor alone.

Sally Christie said...

In If I Should Die, my MC did use a chamber pot and an outhouse during her captivity.

In Milk Carton People where the characters are caught between the quick and the dead, the folks still go and then they don't even want to try to figure out what happens to it...

Poop, o the sticky wicket..

Sally

Angela Verdenius said...

ROTFLMAO! This is so true! I write sci-fi/futuristic romances as well as contemporary, and nowhere do I mention poop. It's a lust-killer. 'Sorry honey, I can only lick (insert whatever body part turns you on) after I drop my lunch.' Just somehow doesn't seem right from a hunky hero about to fall atop the beautiful heroine and have mad sex!

Which is why I was watching the cartoon Open Season and having hysterics when the bear needed the toilet and boy, when he spotted it - no guessing what he was up to!

Thanks for the huge guffaw, I needed it! You made my day!

Nicola E. Sheridan said...

Great post. Made me laugh. I agree too, I rarely read about poo in books, so I've made sure in mine that I'm at least a little realistic (despite the fact I write fantasy romance!) In my most recent release my heroine DOES suffer irritable bowel syndrome when under pressure. It's a real problem for her! I like a bit gritty realism and toilet humour always gets a laugh out of me.

SJ Drum said...

Angela- "drop my lunch" ... man, I'm learning all kinds of new euphemisms! Thanks! LOL

Nicola- What's the name of your book? I think I'd like to meet a heroine with IBS.

Kari Thomas said...

LOL---this is the best post Ive read in ages!! But now I will be reading romances with the question: "what happens about the poop?"!! Thanks for the great laugh ---you made my day!

hugs, Kari Thomas, www.authorkari.com

Jaime Samms said...

I have thought about it. I write gay sex, after all. I just chose to, well, as you say, ignore it. Call it artistic license, I guess. lol! i LOVED YOUR POST, sj!

Faith said...

A woman's period is another one that I've wondered about in romances. Do women in romances no longer have a monthly cycle? Although I know some will do the deed while ragging, I think it's gross and most guys would prolly agree, but I have to wonder if there's every been a romance novel where the woman has said, "Sorry, honey. Started my period this morning and I have cramps from hell."

SJ Drum said...

Faith, I just read a historical by Julie Garwood called The Gift. The heroine had terrible cramps, stayed in bed and was super bitchy to the hero. Loved it!

Fiona McGier said...

HAHA! Wait a minute while I pick myself up off the floor! My latest book has a back-door lovin' scene, and I did wonder about this issue while I was writing the scene! But then, bodily functions are rarely even acknowledged in romance, so I may be one of the only ones to think about it.

In some of my books when they wake up "the morning after", my characters do excuse themselves to use the facilities, but that's about as far as I go...and one of my heroines did tell the hero they had to wait for the 2nd encounter because she had her period...I write contemporary, so I try to keep things realistic.

Valerie Mann said...

OMG. I have tears running down my cheeks. I'm glad I'm not the only one who wonders what lovers encounter when they're sticking their fingers up the old poop chute. Or what they pull out. And erotic romance authors have to make the men suit up for plain-jane sex, but not when they're heading for the backdoor? Really. Nothing nasty in there to worry about, I guess. My friends know I'm a germophobe, so this will not surprise them that I am completely on board with your wonderings. LOL!!