Monday, 31 October 2011

Boom Chicka Wow... Ew!

A few weeks ago, my husband Charlie picked up a Roku box. This is a device you connect to your TV that gives you access to online TV programming (some free, some not). It's a cool device. It's very techy. It suits my husband to a T. Personally, I didn't see the need, but, eh, whatever.

Like any man with a new toy, he insisted that I take a look at it with him...right before we were going to sleep. (sigh) LOL I was tired. I wasn't really interested. I just wanted to go to sleep, but I didn't.

Instead, he starts flipping through the channels as I lay there yearning for sleep. (He's excited, and I don't want to rain on his parade.) There are easily a hundred "stations." Many "stations" contains several channels within it. It's almost overwhelming there is so much choice. Most likely, this will one day be how you watch TV.

So, we are flipping through the stations and run across porn. (Of course, what would access to the Internet be without porn?) It is free. I haven't watched porn in 20 years, and then I only saw one movie for about 15 minutes, or less. And, as you could probably guess, it doesn't do much for me. LOL But, since it had been such a long time, I stupidly told Charlie, "Sure, let's check it out. Perhaps it's not as bad as I remember it to be."


It's worse. It's so far beyond worse than I remember that I am shocked that I didn't remember just how bad it was. Or maybe not. Maybe I had, after 20 years, managed to wipe the images from my mind. I hope it doesn't take another 20 this time around.

Now, mind you, I am not a prude. I publish erotica. I don't have any issues with sex whatsoever, except that I think the US is too uptight about it, but that's another post. I don't have problems with people having sex because they feel like it. They don't have to be married. As long as both are consenting adults, alive, and human (as in not animal--ETs are a different story, although I imagine that would be weird. Not that I've ever encountered one, but I'm just saying.), I really don't care one way or the other.

Then why do I have an issue with porn? They are consenting adults (at least the ones I saw). They are human and alive. So what's my problem? Hm...

Perhaps it's the total lack of lust involved. Or maybe it's the no-hair-anywhere syndrome. (That, in and of itself, disgusts me. I like hair. It's supposed to be there.) Or maybe it's that the sex goes on and on and on and on and on, and it's all faked excitement. Or it could be that the man, to keep going, has to beat his dick on the woman to get it hard again. Or that, in order to make the woman wet, the guy will spit in her. Spit in her. (Ew! Ew! Ew!) As Charlie so eloquently put it: "It's just bodily fluids, Marci."

Yeah, well, uh, well, hm... (g) That may be true, but, um, yeah. Let's just say it doesn't do it for all!

I looked at Charlie and asked, "How can anyone find this remotely titillating?"

"Marce, it's to get off quick. You've read too many romance novels."

"Hm... Yeah, I don't think that's the only reason. It just doesn't do it for me. No wonder it's been 20 years."

And now I must wipe the images from my mind once again. (sigh)

Any suggestions?


Faith said...

Sorry. No answers. I have the same problem, lol.

whodunitrdr AKA Deanna said...

Maybe replace those images with some good ones? One hot movie scene that gets me is in The Thomas Crowne Affair with Peirce Brosnin and Rene Russo, on the marble staircase. Whew!, I will never look at a staircase the same way again. :) I agree with you on the regular porn, no emotion and way too much 'ick' factor for me too.

Tami said...

OMG - I think you should just write another erotica the way that SEX should be written, if that doesn't do it, then write more! And more! And more!

Good luck!

Brooklyn Ann said...

Yeah, the spitting thing SO doesn't do it for well as the woman's cries of pain that she tries to mask as pleasure, but we all know the guy's hitting the wrong angle.

Cassie Exline said...

Ew is right. Guess some things never change. ;)

Anthology Authors said...

You tried, Faith.

I'l have to watch that movie, Deanna. It might work. There is one scene that seems to stick, even though I've read a few hot novels since. It's an icky scene. I won't share it because I don't want you to have the images stuck in your head. (g)

Tami, maybe that would work. I haven't written a hot sex scene in a while. Okay. I haven't written anything in a while. LOL

It's absolutely disgusting, isn't it, Brooklyn Ann. What if someone has a cold? There could be snot in it. (shudder)

Cassie, I asked Charlie if it had been the same 20 years ago down to the bare muff. He said, "Oh, yeah." I couldn't believe I didn't recall that. Can't say I'm disappointed that I forgot. Now, I'm just hoping to forget quickly. LOL

Fiona McGier said...

It's not only the lack of hirsute-ness that is disturbing...I can't believe all of the fake-looking enhanced boobs! Geeze-Louise! No one's yabbas stand up like that when they are lying down! They look like they are about to explode! The nipples look taut, like they are stretched beyond pain, sitting on top of what looks like a mountain of silicone!
And usually the babe is so thin that she looks like a Q-Tip with huge knockers! Who on earth thinks that is sexy? I have 3 sons in their twenties and they prefer Maxim to Playboy, because they say that way they can pretend the boobs are real, instead of seeing them and knowing they aren't!
And any guy that would be pounding into me for that long would soon find himself alone in bed, because I'd get so bored I'd wander into the next room to read or something!
But what turns me off the most is the "money shot", where he squirts all over her, usually into her face, mouth and all over her boobs. Icky-sticky mess, anyone?
Not that I watch much porn with my husband or anything...(grin)

Faith said...

Had to laugh at yabbas! We could get on a euphemism wagon and laugh our asses off!

Kissa Starling said...

I'm wondering what a 'realistic' porn would look like. No foreplay ten and done? Now that would be disappointing. Hmm, I really think you have to use your imagination a lot just like in books?

The fake everything bothers me. Let those puppies shake during sex!

Yeah, okay I don't have the answer either.

Anthology Authors said...

Hahahaha, Fiona. You know, I don't care if someone watches it. It's just not for me.

Jaime Samms said...

Yeah...I have no suggestions, either, Marci. Sorry.

Interesting side note: Hubs cleaned my computer for me this weekend. He mentioned some browsing history I had failed to eliminate... (Yeah, i write m/m, for anyone who didn't know that.) What can i say? I needed a visual. (I swear! It's true this time!) I ended up taking the scene out of the book because the visual just...didn't work in reality the way I imagined and then I couldn't get that image out of my head...Yeah. I totally get what you're saying, Marci. How to get rid of it? No idea...

Anthology Authors said...


I think I saw something similar to what you are talking about, except it wasn't guy on guy. That is what I'm still trying to wipe from my brain. Men get off on it. It does not excite me, but then, none of the porn does. LOL


Janice said...

Ugh, yeah, the last time I watched porn there was spitting involved.

Ulk, just hearing someone spit makes me want to hurl.

How can spitting be sexy? Must be a guy thing.


Terri Talley Venters said...

Too funny, Marci! Perhaps the porn insustry needs better screenplay writers. lol. If you ever venture there again, try skinemax.

Jim Greer said...

Goodness, porn can be deadly!
Went to a DOA last year, a seventy-something who died in a recliner. His TV was still on, and so was his VCR (No school like the old school). Of course, the movie had been over for a few day. It was "Deidre does Duluth," or something similar. The only thing we could say was that he forgot to ask his doctor if he was healthy enough for sex. If you have an erection lasting longer than four hours...

That's a vision worthy of a bit of brain bleach.

Anthology Authors said...


I do think it's a guy thing. I had an ex who was fastidious, but thought nothing of spitting...but not in the way they do it in porn. Ew!


I don't think I'm willing to watch any porn ever again. I don't know if better screenwriters would work. LOL It's all about the sex, whether the sex has any passion or not.

Now that's a scene for a book, Jim. LOL I'm doing my best not to visualize it. LOL