Monday, 17 January 2011

Thong-ong-ongs!


I realize that everyone has his or her likes, dislikes and preferences. I like Caffeine Free Pepsi Zero whereas my oldest dau likes regular Pepsi. One person prefers pop in a glass and another likes it in a can.

Some women insist on having their nails done while others are content to paint their own.

One man insists on blondes but another likes redheads. Tom likes Nikes, but Dick prefers Pumas.

Here’s one I’m firm about when it comes to underwear: I prefer the boys’ briefs made for ladies.

Granny panties have their place during that time of the month. They’re comfy and they reflect our mood well during that time.

Thongs, however, are a medieval torture device. I’m convinced of this.

Yeah, I get that there are people out there who prefer thong underwear, but I’m not one of them. My oldest daughter had a few pairs she’d wear, but only if all her other undies were in the dirty laundry. Once the elastic failed said pairs of thongs, they hit the garbage can.

I’d always tease her about having worn them, but she does the same to me when we’re shopping for underwear.

“Hey, Mom. Look at these.” She’ll hold up what looks like a small tangle of red or blue dental floss.

“No.”

“Why not?” she’ll ask. “You’d look good in them.”

“Number one, when I fart, I don’t want to hear Bluegrass music coming out of my ass, and number two, I’m not into self torture nor do I want to be picking a permanent wedgie all day. If I want to relive my wedgie days, I’ll go back to high school or I’ll celebrate the 1980s again by wearing a pair of spray-on jeans.”

Usually, by this point, my daughter is cracking up, so I know she keeps at me about the thong undies just to see what smart-ass remark comes out of my mouth. What she doesn’t realize, however, is that—I’m being perfectly serious!!!

Butt floss. There IS a reason someone gave thong undies this nickname!

One of my faves to call them is ‘hemorrhoid polishers’. Seriously, other than torture that’s the only thing this style of panties is good for.

I like a pair of panties to fit snugly, but not cut off my circulation, and I don’t want them so high I might as well wear ‘em as a one-piece swimsuit; I hate it when I put on a pair of jeans and four inches of my undies are sticking out of my back waistband. I like the kind of panties that will bend and move with you (jeez, I sound like a commercial for Hanes Her Way!). Ever wear a g-string and squat or bend over? Take my advice...

DON’T DO IT!

That little string only makes the ass crack deeper! Whoever invented those damn things should have installed padded emergency airbags in case of sudden bending or squatting.

Yowza.

Same thing applies to thong bikinis. If you’re gonna wear one and sunbathe in your backyard or on a rooftop, fine. But A) I don’t want to see some chick’s or dude’s ass cheeks flapping around in the wind while I’m at the beach trying to take in the scenery. B) Only buns of steel look good in thong bikini bottoms. Sagging tushies or hairy asses parted down the middle with a bright pink string only serve to give people nightmares and years of therapy.

Besides, it only takes one li’l grain of sand and a g-string bikini bottom to ruin your life. That one li’l grain of sand caught under that thong will feel like Jethro parked a tractor-trailer in your ass crack.

The only reason I can think of that a pair of butt-floss undies is good for is enticing your significant other. Throw a pair of stilettos on with the panties and you’re good to go, because those torturous panties won’t stay on long enough to bother anything.

So what sort of underwear person are you?

Boxers or briefs? Granny panties? Thongs? El commando?

31 comments:

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

Just regular old bikini's, Tess. Don't give me granny panties or a thong. I don't know who could possibly think thongs are comfortable. :(

Faith said...

Me Faith, not Tess, LMAO! Big hugs to you, Lisa!

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

Strike that. lol. It's early and my Monday. GRRR!!! Morning, Faith. :)

Sarah Masters said...

Big up for thongs!

:o)

Faith said...

LOL, you made me laugh, Lisa. I feel the same way this morning. The brain doesn't want to function.

Sarah, you lost me, lmao. Big up?

trinity said...

Okay never tried the thongs and wouldn't want to with my big butt. If I was going to it would for a special night or a dress something like that. But then again I never go anywhere to worry about that.
So give me the briefs or bikinis but not underwear that comes up to nose! UGg I hate that.
Trinity

Faith said...

LMAO! I swear, lady, you crack me up. Big butt and up to the nose. HAHAHA!!! You're a nut like the rest of us! Muah!

Valerie Mann said...

I shared this on my Facebook, it was either that or pass out from hyperventilation. OMG.

We call 'em anal floss in our house and you're right, they're torture devices that society has told women they'd be uncool not to wear. And holy crap, have you seen the mini-pads available for thong wearers? Yeah, they're bandaids for crying out loud. Me? I like the boyfriend panties.

Melissa Bradley said...

I'm an abundant woman and I don't understand thongs made in such large sizes. Not only will they give a wedgie, but they'll get lost up there forever.

I prefer boy briefs and anything that doesn't show off so much of the Southland.

C. Zampa said...

OMG...I laughed so hard at that picture!

I'm not sure what you call my underwear. Just plain...underwear. Sigh.

Thongs for me? Oh, not on your life..unless you mean like in the picture...a SHOE thong..but on the feet? LOL.

Faith said...

LMAO at Valerie! So glad it gave you such a good laugh, and thank you for sharing it on Facebook too. I often worry my sense of humor is too out there, lolol. My oldest dau's humor is exactly like mine, so we can really get into some long laugh-until-we-cry sessions.

Melissa, when I was looking for thong pictures, some were so startling I worried they might offend viewers. Seriously, put "thongs" in photobucket and take a look if you're curious.

Hey, Carol! Sounds like you wear the regular full hip undies. They're not string, they're not granny panties, and not boy briefs, so they've got to be the full undies that cover all the front, the sides and the butt.

Melissa Bradley said...

I'll have to take a gander in photobucket, Faith. You've got me curious. :)

Faith said...

Melissa, look for the one of the older woman who is skin and bones. It shows her backside. She's got a blue thong, I think, and she's walking down a crowded beach. It's frightening!

Janice said...

I have some high waisted high legged panties and a few boy shorts too. The low hipped ones got tossed, they rolled under my stomach. Like you the few thongs I have are only to wear for a few minutes, then they're ripped off. Come to think of it, I think they got tossed too. Hubby just likes me naked.

Janice~

Fiona said...

Husband used to buy them and ask me to wear them during "those moments"...I fixed that right off by buying him one and insisting that he wear it for me, pretty please! It was worth it to see him trying to pick that damn floss out of his ass!
He stopped buying them for me, thank God! I buy lacy things in a store called Torrid, for us Zoftig women. On normal days I just wear cotton hip panties.
I have had that same argument with my 17-year-old daughter who buys things so small they look like a hair-tie coming out of the dryer! She says they are comfortable. Uh-huh. Comfortable in the way that a yeast infection is, I say!

Tess MacKall said...

I can't handle thongs. Never could. So I won't be coming to their defense for sure.

Now I see the point in wearing them if you have on something that is going to show panty lines. Makes sense.

But I just go panty-less when that's the case. Now, if I'm going out some place where I have to dress up---you know, pantyhose and the whole bit. I just opt for no panties and pantyhose only.

My underwear tends to be very tame. Nothing in hot colors, nothing really sexy. And yep, I even have granny panties.

Sorry guys--if any of you are taking note here--I'm not into torturing myself for the sake of sexy.

Faith said...

ROFLMAO @ hair tie and yeast infection!

Janice, my hubby is the same way!

I don't like the thongs, Tess, but I do like pretty undies. I don't go for anything in wild prints, but I have cute ones like red satin boy briefs with black polka dots, a teal pair with a shiny map of the world on them, lolol...

Anthology Authors said...

Well, there went my topic, Faith. Thanks! LOL I'll have to come up with something to complement this one. I'm sure I can. (g)

I'm not a floss woman, much to my husband's dismay. (g) I like bikinis.

Elle Amery said...

LMAO! I went through a thong period of my life, mostly because of a boyfriend who found them sexy. Needless to say, when the boyfriend got tossed out of my life, so did those implements of torture!

Faith said...

LOL, our senses of humor must be too much alike!

Elle! Another Sister Against the Thong, roflmao!

Terri Talley Venters said...

No to thongs, yes to lacy boy pants, and don't get me started on men in banana hammocks! should be a law against that.

Anthology Authors said...

Tits of steel wouldn't be a bad thing, Sarah. I want the ones that fembot had in Austin Powers. (g) If someone pissed me off, I could just open fire. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Faith said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!! @ both Terri and Marci!

Nicki said...

I think I'm going to be the only one who says this:

I ADORE thongs.

I have lacy pairs, a satin blue, a thong that looks like shoelaces on the sides, and a really lovely pair that matches my best bra.

The thing thongs are REALLY for is if you're wearing a gorgeous dress and the panty lines from your comfy panties show up. Buy a thong a size smaller (a 6 if you wear a 7 in undies) and slip them under the dress.

Voila! No panty lines.

(Also, if you go out to the bar alone and don't want to bring home a stray, wear a thong, and you'll be too uncomfortable to flirt.)

xD We all have our useful devices. I mostly wear my thongs on days I have to write 20K...it never fails. I dunno what it is about skinny underwear that makes me mega-write all the way to 20.000 words in one 24-hr stretch, but it always works.

Faith said...

I see the purpose of thongs for sheer clothing and have worn them on those occasions, but I have to curb the urge to pick that horrible wedge, LMAO.

Nicki said...

That's what those panty-hose style thongs are for. They feel like you're not wearing a thong (for that matter, you wonder if you're wearing anything) but you're not all that conscious of a wedge. And those "cheeky" panties that look like half a panty bottom, or identical on each side with a seam in the back, (your picture with the red and black panty) will actually stay on your bottom much better than briefs, and when your pants sidle down in the back, you don't have to worry about someone seeing the puffy edges of your favorite comfy panties.

I have that problem----I wear size 10 in girls. Literally, there's a ten year old girl on the package of my comfy-fit panties. An XS thong is good enough too...but if someone looks at the waistband of my panty, and sees "Fruit of the Loom and RAINBOWS? LOOK, this woman thinks she's a little girl!"

It's happened before. >:( And I hate when it happens in college class. xP

anny cook said...

Cotton granny panties in every color of the rainbow along with brightly colored sports bras. I'm past zoftig and anything else would be extremely uncomfortable but I love color!

Faith said...

I love color too!

Rhiannon Mills said...

With underclothes, I'm big on the thongs, but I also like regular bikinis. I have a gray thong made out of tee shirt material that is my absolute favorite one. However, I have bought a few that were soooo not comfortable at all. Really, I just buy the cotton ones now. I don't like underwear that could stretch clear over my head, and I don't like the ones that are so small that they look like a shoestring adorned with a few bows, either.

Great post :P...my 4 year old walked by while I was reading it, pointed to the thong/butt picture towards the bottom and said, "Mommy, who's butt is that?" lol.

Faith said...

LOL! That's hysterical!

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