Friday, 14 January 2011

Sex Words: Are They For Real?

Warning: This post is definitely on the adult side of life. So if you are easily offended, hit delete now. If you are underage…I’m calling your mama!

Have any of you ever visited this site? ? Everyone should. At least once for kicks. Lol I discovered it about three years ago, and as I write erotic romance, go there occasionally for inspiration—and the laugh.

It’s a thesaurus for sex words. Yeah, a thesaurus.

Plug in the word and it will give you all the words and phrases you can sub with. Now granted, the vast majority of these words—okay—the overwhelming majority of these words, are not something you could ever use in a book for sure. But some will make you roll with laughter.

Now remember, this is all in good fun. I sure as hell don’t suggest these are GOOD words to use. Lol Here are some examples—some tame examples:


Long dong, bush whacker, giggle stick (I had a couple that made me giggle, lol), ham howitzer, spermapositor, pride-of-the-morning, eggwhite cannon, bacon bazooka, beaver lever, libido bandido, ladies’ lollipop, two dots and a dash, etc.


Aperture of bliss, crack of heaven, portal of Venus, sink of solitude, bearded leisure center, cupid’s alley, downy cave, dead end street, fresh axe wound in a bear’s back, hefty clefty, joy furrow, serpent socket, vertical axe wound with sideburns (damn another axe), skin chimney, glory hole, etc.


Boulders, bra busters, bouncers, beef bags, baby bar, jersey cities, jobblies, kettledrums, milky way, warheads, sweater dandies, sweater meat, yabbos, etc.

It took some doing to round up all these words and phrases and put this site together. As much as I abhor some of these words, well, I still laugh.

And all of this leads me to this question. Are there any sex words or phrases in romance books that you simply can’t stand or absolutely love? And don’t be shy. Post them. This is an adult blog. Oh, and what’s your take on the occasional purple prose?


Anthology Authors said...

Yes, there are, but mine are common terms used frequently. Euphemisms drive me nuts.

For the men:

shaft--I always think of a mine shaft when this term is used.
sword, spear, staff--None of these things will come remotely close to my private parts. I have no desire to be impaled by any of them.

For the women:

muff--this is something you wear on your hands, not a woman's vagina.

There are more for women, but I can't think of them right now...of course.

All of these turn me off, but I could just be weird.

Tess MacKall said...

I don't like shaft, sword, of spear either. And muff? Jeez. All of those are a bit purple prosey. And I've used shaft. Sometimes there are just so many C words you can get in a paragraph. lol

Rod is another one. hmmm...

Anthology Authors said...

Oh, yeah, rod. What? Is he going to take the rod to her? (g)

India Drummond said...

I actually read an excerpt of a book on a blog in which the phrase "twat petals" was used. That one phrase is indicative of the level of prose in the excerpt.

IMO, an author should never use a body-part description in a book which, if used in real life, would make one partner pause in the middle of sex, look at the other and say, "You're shitting me, right?"

I know it's subjective, but if my partner ever said "twat petals" to me (especially if they were trying to be sexy, like this scene was meant to be), I'd probably burst out laughing.

India Drummond

Anonymous said...

Not that I use these but here's a few funny ones:

Penis: Fruit for the Monkeys (I haven't looked at a banana the same since)
Or....purple headed custard chucker. That's just gross

Vagina: Pink velvet sausage wallet (LOLOLOL!)
or Fuzzy lap flounder

I don't like muff either, unless it fits the characters way of speaking. He might be an A&&ho@# and using muff (or cunt, which I absolutely hate) would fit his speech.

I don't like the term "sex" when referring to either penis or vagina. I don't know why, it just bugs me.

Natalie Dae said...

AHAHAHAHAHAH @ some of the vagina terms. I read them out to Hubby but laughed my way through speaking them.

I prefer the blunter term of cunt. Pussy just makes me laugh, but I have used it because of using too many C's. Doesn't mean I like it. Same with shaft. With m/m, there're double the cocks so it gets too repetitive.

ROFLMAO @ India with: I know it's subjective, but if my partner ever said "twat petals" to me (especially if they were trying to be sexy, like this scene was meant to be), I'd probably burst out laughing.

I just nearly wet myself!



anny cook said...

Personally, I prefer the term cunny rather than pussy or cunt as it seems softer somehow. For guys...I'd really rather use penis. It's a good old-fashioned serviceable word for a (hopefully) serviceable body part. Vagina? Yuck.

My favorite of all time--tallywhacker.

Melissa Bradley said...

ROTFLMAO... I love this


My fave laughable term is velvet log. Makes it sound like something you build a fire with.


Weeping channel. WTH? I just shook my head and stopped reading.

And the worst phrase I've read for the actual act is "He filled her like a generous meat sandwich."

Tess MacKall said...

Oh hell no. Nobody taking a rod to me. I get upset with people cutting in line at the local Food Lion. lol

Tess MacKall said...

Twat petals? Really? Twat petals? Damn India. You poor woman. I think I would have thrown that book across the room. Bet it was written by a man even if it did have a female pen name. Male writers have the tendency to do things like that. My apologies, of course, to all those male writers who do not have the tendency to do things like that. lol

You are so right, though. If it doesn't sound like something that would come out of someone's mouth, then it shouldn't be written. Great point, India.

Tess MacKall said...

Good lord, Casey. Where have you been reading stuff like that, girlie? LOL Too damn funny for words. Amazing how someone can come up with off the wall things like that.

Muff is not something I'd ever write. Just can't. Knew a guy who used to call 69--muff diving. I ended up disliking him a lot. So no. I'd never use muff. LOL

Tess MacKall said...

What did hubby think, Nat? Did you tell him to use those on ya tonight? And you are required to report back here if you did. LOL

Well...they say humor and sex are a good thing, don't they?

Tess MacKall said...

Okay, Nat and Anny. I don't like cunny. To me that's cutesy. I like the harder cunt. And is cunny U.K., Nat?'s sounds Brit.

Pussy is cutesy too. And I can't think of my body part as being a kitty cat. And that's what I always think of when I see or hear pussy.

Overall, I use cunt. And then go with pussy. I hate it when I have an area where I need to use those words a lot because then I have to get too creative. lol BRAIN FRY

Tess MacKall said...

Oh and Anny...any scientific sounding word is a turn off to me. Labia turns me off.

Tess MacKall said...

Velvet log and weeping channel. Ding ding ding...Winna got it Melissa. Those are horrible. Just horrible.

And anybody who thinks a woman should be filled with a meat sandwich should have their pubes plucked out one by one with tweezers too. ewwwwwwwwwwwwww just ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Anthology Authors said...

I'm also not a big fan of "nether lips." The image is just... just... I don't know. It gives me images of teeth and tongue and lots of nasty stuff that just shouldn't be down there. Applied as someone in eating you out yes, but actually in there? No. I'm not into second mouths. (g)

I'm not a big fan of cunt, but I've generally heard that as an insult to women. As I've read it frequently in erotica, it's not as negative, but I still don't care that much for it.

"Velvet log?" That sounds like something you'd call moldy shit. (g)

"Weeping channel" is just as disgusting. Visions of severely infected sores pop into my head. That's just ew!

Gregory Allen said...

Everyone has their own quirks, so it can be difficult (notice I didn't say hard) to know what words will work best. I try to use the language I think my characters would use, and stay true to that. My hang up is with "penis" To me, a "penis" by definition is limp. I have to call it something else when it's hard, have to. I know that's just my thing, but I have to go with it. Talking about this always reminds me of "The Lonely Guy" where Steve Martin is an aspiring romance writer and he types "...shot his cannon into the quivering mouth of her ever-fluttering love purse." I love that line!

Melissa Bradley said...

Tess, I love that idea of plucking the pubes, because yes, that line will live in infamy as far I'm concerned. Meat sandwich, blech!

Gregory, OMG!!!!! I love that line myself. I type it whenever I can't get a sex scene going.

Faith said...

The one-eyed Cyclops.

Yes, I really did read that in an excerpt.

I can only imagine the amount of regional words for sex too.

Sex: Plugging-in

Boobs: hoohaws, bazongas, hooters

Penis: pecker, hoohoo, wangerdanger, schlong

Faith said...

Oh, here's two more I hate.

Chub for a hard-on (EEW), and carpet for a woman's crotch (double eew).

Anthology Authors said...

Chub? As in fat? EW!

If you call pubes a carpet, does that mean when if a man goes down on you, they can get carpet burn? (g)

C. Zampa said...

Oh, how hilarious!
Egg white canon! Priceless!

Thanks for sharing this! What a riot!

Tess MacKall said...

Damn Marci,

I just sat down to the comp with my breakfast. Don't think I can eat now. LOL

No no, we don't want logs and weeping for sure. Yuck.

And I swear, have any of you ever noticed how much we sometimes describe "wetness" down there when we write? I took a look at something I wrote the other day and thought long and hard about it.

Do we really get that damn wet? I mean maybe it's just me. But I'm not usually...LMAO...okay, enough enough.

Of course, not all of us believe in "squriting" too. LOL And that's a word, ain't it, though?

I've come to the conclusion that men are mostly the authors of all these words and phrases. Women can't come up with things like that. lol

Tess MacKall said...

Yep, Gregory, I have to agree, you can't always use penis. And yep, limp does describe them sometimes, lol. Hey, I don't think I've ever used penis in my writing.

I always use cock. And actually, I would love to use dick. I like dick. Know a lot of men who refer to theirs as a dick. So if a man uses that term then we should too---especially when writing from male POV. But rarely do you see dick used.

I use cock, his length, his thickness, his hardness, hot flesh, etc.

I try for alluding to what he's got, basically.

Tess MacKall said...

Yep, Melissa...let's pluck em!

Tess MacKall said...

Pecker. I use that in my life, not in writing. My granny (on my mother's side, my granny on my daddy's side wold never use anything, lol) always threatened to cut some man's pecker off. She was a funny little woman.

If the butcher didn't shave off enough fat from what she was buying she'd whisper, "oughta cut his pecker off." LMAO...she was a hoot.

Tess MacKall said...

Hmmm...might make kissing hard for him later, Marci. Maybe we should shave??????

Tess MacKall said...

Ohhhh Faith, if a man comes at me with a club, I'm getting out my gun. lol

Tess MacKall said...

Of the ones I listed, Carol, I think egg white cannon was the one I laughed most at. Too funny.

Molly Daniels said...

LOL....I just have to quote Spinal Tap here....

"I'd like to sink her with my pink torpedo..."

"My love gun's loaded and she's in my sights..."

"Big about bum cakes, my girl's got 'em..."

I use 'cunt' sparingly; don't like that word. I've used 'entrance' and 'pussy' (getting more comfortable with it; it took me a year to write it w/o blushing every time! Go ahead; laugh at me...).

As for the man, I prefer 'dick'; 'cock'; and 'penis'.

'Weeping channel' makes me laugh and gag at the same time. Some books, you'd think the H/H would drown or be turned off by all the water pouring out! Wet beds are NOT an aphrodisiac, imho! Esp if they immediately fall asleep afterwards...I'd want to shower and change the bed sheets....

Lily Harlem said...

OMG! Well, I have finally picked myself up off the floor after reading this hilarious and very informative post! Brilliant. I have to say I like to use the words cock and shaft when I'm writing, and I love using the word 'dick' when a guy is talking about himself.
I set a lot of stories in the UK and characters over here would never say 'ass' - that's a cross between a donkey and a mule - they all say 'arse'. Luckily my US editors accept that. In one book, I have an American guy and a British guy sharing the same woman and they use ass and arse respectively when they are.... Well, you get the idea!
So not only do we as writers have all these crazy purple prose words to avoid we also have to think about local dialect and colloquialisms.
'Twat petals' oh, yuk! that is seriously bad!! Nowhere in the world would that be sexy, surely???
Thanks for a great blog

Tess MacKall said...

LOL...yeah,Lily, the local lingo plays into all of this. I get bugged when an editor wants me to change the local lingo. To me it adds flavoring. Nothing like a little mood setting is there?

Although, I can't see twat petals and egg white cannons doing a thing for mood setting. LOL

Liz said...

purple headed yogurt slinger?
seriously, though I can't tolerate these:
"her love honey" or any other words referencing natural bodily fluids of arousal with---food. Ick. No, really, Ick.

I do struggle with "cock" as it is overused as is "pussy". however, in Our Genre, these are the ones that....stick!

Tess MacKall said...

It's hard to know what to do, Liz. If we use cock too much we're called on it. Same with shaft, rod, length, thickness.

I tend to stick with cunt or pussy for women, sometimes alternating. Depends on what I'm writing. And then I use wetness, juices, cream.

That's about as far as I can go. I think "essence" is okay. But I have been told it's purple prosey. So I stay away from it. I don't see it as purple prosey, but...I'm afraid. lol