Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Got Crazy Neighbors?

Welcome today's guest, D.N. Lyons.

Have you ever had a crazy neighbor?

Honestly, I thought living next to my friend was a good thing. I hadn't seen her in years. But when I met her ultra-organic vegan, crunchy boyfriend, I didn't like him one bit. (His diet didn't offend me----I raised a child vegan for a year.)

People who get a hair up their bum when their next-door neighbors cook steak and the smell just happens to float into their house, really twist my panties up...and he was the biggest wedgie-inducer I know. Something about a guy who never washed or combed his hair, insisted on playing piano at all hours of the day (and night), and always wanted his food (even his apples) to be organic just didn't sit right with me. Besides, don't people wash
apples before they eat them anyway?

Cyrena and Forrest didn't have internet. I sympathized. (I mean, come on, who doesn't have access to the internet these days? The Amish even use it for their businesses.) But very soon, I went back to Qwest and their awesome DSL, only this time I bought a wireless router for my laptop. This was where the problem began.

My upstairs neighbor "Heather", as well as Cyrena and Forrest, heard I had internet. Heather began paying me $5 a week for internet, while Cyrena and Forrest went for $35 a month for both their computers. I signed in the WEP on their computers, collected the money, and thought nothing more of it. Besides, having someone pay me for internet use couldn't be so bad, could it?

I was wrong.

Heather was good about paying, and this was cool. As far as I was concerned, she was fine. But Cyrena and Forrest wasted no time in downloading spyware-infested programs, using shareware sites, and otherwise just being stupid about using the internet. (Honestly, if you use the internet, have a spyware blocker. Please. Your computer will thank you.) They obviously had problems with their computers, because every so often I would hear someone cussing up a storm at 3 am.

Then, one morning, I found a laptop between my screen and the door. As well as a note that said essentially this:

"You put spyware on my computer. I don't want my information stolen. Take it off or I'll go to my friend in the military. And when he finds your traces of spyware on my computer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have. Take off the spyware on my computer right now. And I've told Heather, and we all want our money back."

How stupid, right? I mean, how in the universe could someone
put spyware remotely on a neighbor's computer? But due to the fact that I had every right to keep the money (they did use my internet, after all), I changed my WEP key and kept the money. And I thought it was over.

Not. A policeman came over to my house, asking me if I knew anything about a case of identity theft next door. He looked very official, very normal, and he said that I was accused of identity theft and he needed to check it out.

Whoa boy. So Forrest was trying this shit on me, was he? He was going down.

I told him flat-out what had happened, and handed him the note——and then he politely said, "Thank you, I'm sorry to trouble you." He took the note with him.

Forrest never got over it. Now at 3 in the morning, we heard Heather getting mad at Forrest and Cyrena, because one or the other of them was turning their TV up full blast at night, playing their piano, and Heather was taking it out the only way she could——by shouting expletives at the nasty neighbors at the crack of darn, when everyone was asleep. Honestly, I had no idea what to do.

But then——a light in the dark. Forrest and Cyrena were kicked out of the apartment for non-payment of rent, non-payment of the cat deposit, and just generally being jerks. The good of it was, I never had to deal with them again...and I never saw them again.

The bad of it was, the people who moved in made LOUD whoopee every free moment they had, which coincided with my work, my naps, and midnight. But then, you have to take the bad with the good, huh?

At least the crazy neighbors moved out. :)


What do you get with Mercury, Pluto, and sticky, yummy, drippy ice pops? Sex, two super hot bodies, and did we mention sex with ice pops? Get the picture? If not, here's the equation. Mercury + Pluto + hot sex = One great time! The only question is: What flavor are you?

This is the first in the Inherently Sexual Series.

Rating: SizzlingBook Length: Micro
Price: $1.49
Genre: M/M/Fantasy

By reading this excerpt, you are stating that you are at least 18 years of age. If you are younger than 18 years old, you must exit this site at once.

Midday, Camelot Beach

An ice pop…oh, what wondrous things one could do with an ice pop.

Especially a peach-vanilla ice pop fresh from the cooler, eaten by one very, very sexy Planetary Wizard.

“Whoopee, it’s a good hot one! 103 degrees! I’ve already got a burn on the back of my neck. How about you, AvaChopper?”

“Yessir, Ric Ray, I’ve got one too! The traffic is slower than hot tar. Not to poke fun at our own Camelot Construction, but boy, it’s really thick out there! A five-Norinberg pileup has us stuck like a dragon in mud!”

The ice pop twirled, spun and sank down between a pair of full lips slicked with perfect green-blue lipstick, lipstick that never mussed, no matter how many kisses those lips had. Tense, Mercury watched the ice pop bob in, out, in, out. In response, his cock twitched in his bikini shorts.

“Pluto,” he chided, “don’t eat all of the ice pops.”

“Do you want one?” Pluto’s delicate, long-fingered hand held up an unwrapped strawberry-banana ice pop. He licked slowly up the length of the first treat.

“Yes!” Mercury’s cock jerked again, and he groaned. “Will you give me the ice pop?”

“And speaking of tar, Ric Ray, we’ve got tar tracks in front of the High Courthouse, and those councilmen don’t look happy! A couple of novices and their dragons have tracked that mess all over the sidewalk! I’d hate to be caught with tar on my boots!”

The beauty in the pink-striped lounge chair laughed and tossed his straight, white hair back. He lowered his sunglasses and wagged the second ice pop back and forth in front of Mercury. “You’ve been at work nearly nonstop for weeks, Mercury, and you haven’t attended nearly enough to me.”

He rotated his hips in time with the wagging treat and licked an errant drop of peach-vanilla from the corner of his mouth. Twittering laughter, he sucked his ice pop down, finishing it off.

Mercury’s gaze lowered along the pale length of Pluto’s body. So sleek, he was like an otter or a beautiful snake...yes, a snake. Pluto was a crafty one.

“Could you squeeze yourself into a smaller bikini?” Mercury teased, but it was nice to see Pluto in those little triangles of white cloth tied together with a silver chain. And there was that itsy-bitsy, high-cut, sequined silver thong bikini bottom, his lovely, long cock trapped under a little wisp of fabric….

“Whee, ladies and gentlewizards, there’s a Norinberg wash at the Avalon Racing Circuit to fund their new demolition races! Come on down and wet your whistle with fountain drinks, and there’s water-balloon fights for your kids! Don’t forget; the ‘Prettiest Familiar’ contest is being held today at Phoenix RaraBreeders, the original dragon breeders since 910!”

A drip of strawberry-banana sailed down through the air and splattered across the rise of Pluto’s bikini bottom. “Now look,” Pluto said. “It’s getting all over me.”

Mercury’s gaze met Pluto’s, and he looked at the drip sinking beneath the sequins of Pluto’s suit.

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Faith said...

Nicki, I once had a downstairs neighbor who was barely 18 and had a baby. Now the baby was a sweetie, but his mother...ARGH! When she first moved in, we became friends, then she became "friends" with my then husband, too, and decided she wanted me out of the picture. She verbally attacked me in the stairwell one day, screaming threats, etc. I thought the girl had lost her mind. Then the partying started. Music that literally rattled pictures off of walls. That was a night mare summer. Found out later that she and my then husband were...ahem.

Cassie Exline said...

Right now I'm just so glad I live in the country, but how horrible for you. Your excerpt sounds great.

Nicki said...

Hi Faith,

That sounds awful. Cheating hubby, homewrecking little, those are some crazy neighbors.

Nicki said...

Hi Cassie,

Living in the country sounds great. I wish I could afford it.

Oh, and thank you :)

Valerie Mann said...

So you're an identity-stealing romance writer? That's two moral strikes against you. How do you live with yourself? LOL GREAT blog, I always enjoy the doings here!

Stephy Smith said...

Crazy neighbors also live in the country! My closest neighbor is five miles away and she has called the cops on me for hanging up the phone on her at three in the morning, the Texas Rangers were called for removing cattle off her land that I bought from the owner and the US Marshall was called for taking her to the psychiatrist under a court order when I worked in law enforcement. What some people will do to cause trouble. She has done things to the other farmers and ranchers in our area. lol

Nicki said...

Hi Valerie,

Yeah, I guess the only way to redeem myself is fantasy. (But then J.K. Rowling will be mad at me.) But honestly, I got more annoyed with the 3am shouting than anything else.

Nicki said...

Hi Stephy,

Oh em gee. Sounds like you had a real class-A certifiable nutter on your hands. xD

BrennaLyons said...

I've had a few crazy neighbors in my day.

One set REALLY liked Christmas. I didn't mind the Wonderland on their lawn much. It was the twelve-foot-tall cross, done with white lights that could be seen from fricken space that bothered me. They would keep it on all night, and not even blinds and light-blocking drapes would block the light fully. I know now why some people go nuts up north, when it stays light all the time or nearly all the time in summer. That and the Christian rock music played at earsplitting levels with their windows open at all hours. Of course, they were the type that claimed they were the victims of religious bigotry if anyone complained. I don't care what kind of music it is. If you play it at 3 am at those levels, it's illegal.


BrennaLyons said...

Another set was this officer that chose to live in base housing with his wife. Everyone else in the quad was enlisted. First, he tried ordering them around, as if he had that right, when he wasn't even in our command...or our branch of the services. He was Air Force, and we were Navy. That failed monumentally.

They never invited any of us over, because they were officers, and they felt it beneath them to have enlisted families in their house, but they were offended when we didn't invite them to our parties. As if! So they made snide comments about us not inviting them.

Then they called housing and reported the couple that shared the duplex I lived in for not mowing the side yard that lay between their units. When the housing authority showed up, our buddies pointed out that there were a few reasons they wouldn't EVER mow that yard.

1) The couple that complained used that yard for their dog.
2) They never cleaned up the dog's messes from the yard, which meant (between the dog being there and the crap being there) the couple they were complaining about had no use of the yard. So, why should they mow it?
3) The moron that called the housing office wanted the other couple to clean up after his dog every other week JUST SO they could mow half the time.

Can you say "NOT!"?


BrennaLyons said...

The last one was this family... Well, I knew it was going to be an interesting situation when they moved in. The house was home to a guy and his wife, their preschool daughter, his ex-wife (who he'd left after he knocked up the new kidding), and her two teenaged kids (boy and girl) from that first marriage. Ready for that combination?

Needless to say, it was a fricken war zone for the entire year they lived there. It was so bad, I wouldn't let my kids play in the back yard and was leery about them playing in the side yard. I fully expected the breaking stoneware and shouting and slamming doors (and who knows what else!) to erupt into gunfire.

The two women (obviously) did not get along.

The teenaged girl had decided that neither the new step-mother NOR her father had any right to tell her what to do. She told them so in verbiage capable of making a seasoned sailor wince. She also ran away a couple of times that year.

The boy opted for pretty much living at his buddy's house all year, so when he was home, it was nonstop screaming about where he was and what he was doing.

The youngest child was the one I felt sorry for. She was sweet as could be, but she lived in a battlefield, complete with cops at the house every few weeks.


Nicki said...

Hi Brenna,

Yeah, I understand about the Jesus-freak kind of people. I'm Catholic, so I do get a hair up my bum when people make loud whoopee above my head...but I would never go as far as your neighbors did with my faith. If people don't want to have Jesus rammed down their throats, they shouldn't have to.

And about your officer neighbor----whaddya wanna bet he was a petty officer? Some of those can be real jerks. But then, my father was a master sergeant in the military, and he could be a real bear sometimes. I pity you for the fact that the officer was an asshole. Sometimes we get people like that, though, right?

Desmond Haas said...

Many years ago, the neighbor across the street decided to go on vacation, leaving his 18-year-old son at the house alone. Son took it upon himself to invite his band-buddies over to practice--and they did in the carport, which acted like a amphitheater. Taking a short walk, I asked nicely if he would stop of practice inside as it was past ten-o'clock. He blew me off and kept practicing.

I asked again a little later and he cursed and threatened me. After getting back home, I cooled for a few minutes and then had an idea. I stuck a microphone out my window and recorded their lovely music (NOT!).

A few days later, when the parents got back, I waited until 10:00pm, put my three-foot speakers up to my window and played the recording. Minutes later, Papa came rushing out in his underwear and started yelling at me. When he finally stopped, I told him what I'd done. Little Johnny never played outside again.

Nicki said...

Sorry, Brenna, didn't see your last post. But I know how you feel about 'interesting' situations----I have a neighbor across the street who gets drunk every day, and her daughter constantly apologizes for her. Her son is a spoiled brat, and she has a revolving door for guys; every time I see her, she has a new schmuck-buddy.

Boy, we really get our share of them, don't we?

Nicki said...


Yeah, that can happen when you have dumbshit kids living next door. I know how you feel about loud music, though----Forrest owned a piano and played the same darn song over and over, at any time of the day, and wouldn't quit no matter what I did.

Unfortunately for him, he got his from the attic neighbor, and ended up kicked out. You're lucky you were able to get your neighbor's dad on your side. :)

BrennaLyons said...

I have nothing against Christians. It's the ones that try to claim foul when they are breaking the law by hiding behind their faith that annoy me.

No, he wasn't a petty officer. My husband and ALL of the others on the quad were petty officers, because they were nukes. My husband was an EM2 (E5/petty officer second class) at the time. The others were either E4 or E5, depending on whether they were students or instructors...and if they'd been advanced in rank or not yet.

The guy in question was an officer...lower ranking officer, but that particular base housing had no separate housing for officers. It was old housing. Half of it was condemned. I want to say this dude was a Lieutenant (O1 or O2) in the Air Force, which meant he was a lot like a new graduate of the Naval Academy coming to the boat. He was full of himself and way overstepping his boundaries.


Nicki said...


Yeah, it's ironic how Christians seem to be the most outspoken people (aside from blowing things up like the Muslim insurgents do). Does being a Christian automatically mean we have to piss people off with our faith? Because I missed that memo.

And yeah, I see where you're going with that. But just because he had no housing for himself didn't mean he was supposed to be a jerk. *Hugs*

Anthology Authors said...

I had a crazy roommate once. She smelled like, oh, I don't know. It was really gross. Mid-winter I'd leave the window open because of the stink. She'd close it. I'd open it. We went back and forth the entire semester we shared the room. (Yes, it was an entire semester.) One night, one of my stuffed animals fell on top of her and woke her. She told me the next morning that if that ever happened again (as if I did it on purpose!) she'd rip the stuffed animal to shreds. Um, okay. I said that I didn't think it was a very good idea because I might have to do something. (g) She didn't. At some point, she gave me a blow-by-blow of one of her sexual escapades. It took years to get those images out of my head! Things I never wanted to know! LOL

While I've never had crazy neighbors, I do have one annoying one. He plays the drums...badly. One day, he played the same beat over and over to every song (Stairway to Heaven has the same beat as Living on a Prayer, you know) for eight hours. I was ready to kill someone. (g) Pure torture!

Faith said...

That must be a trend with musically inclined neighbors, Marci. That girl I mentioned who lived downstairs from me let her ex-bf move in for a while once he got out of jail. Stairway to Heaven was all he played on his guitar 24/7; he was trying to learn the whole song, but with our living room/bdrm directly over theirs, it's all I heard.

Anthology Authors said...

You mean the not so musically inclined. That song is the first thing a kid learns on his guitar, not an adult. (g) Our neighbor is definitely not musically inclined. Had he been, he'd know not to inflict this particular type of torture on props who really are. Poor Charlie! He's an amazing drummer. When the neighbor plays and he's home, it's pure torture. Of course, Charlie hates Bon Jovi, so it's a double whammy then. (g)

Nicki said...

Oh boy, Marci, roommates. That's another story altogether...though I feel your pain about the smell thing. I have a friend who stinks (which is odd, because she always looks clean) and looks like a cross between Sasquatch and a Mongoloid. Not to mention, she doesn't have sexual exploits to tell me of, but she constantly asks about MINE. Argh!

Nicki said...

Also, Marci, I never learned Stairway to Heaven----though high school guitar class might not have been the best place to ask about it anyway. My first song I learned was Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf"...which I blew at. xD

Anthology Authors said...

I'm sure you weren't the only one, Nicki.

Anthology Authors said...

Stink means there's something going on with their health...unless they don't bathe. I don't know how often my ex-roommate bathed, but if it wasn't, her health, she didn't bathe enough.

Nicki said...

Marci, it might be her health, her bathing habits, or it might be the fact that she lives in a hovel of an apartment with nine (yes, nine) doves in a messy ramshackle cage. She smells like a combination of bird stuff and unwashed body parts.

Anthology Authors said...

It's most likely her living circumstances then. :(

Nicki said...

Yep, I guess so.

So how about this weather, huh? Over at my place it's thundering like crazy, but hasn't rained yet----and last night we had a wicked thunderstorm. Downpour and hail like crazy.

And I found out this morning (ARGH) that my clinic had scheduled me for an appointment today. Joy. @_@

Nicki said...

Argh, I called the clinic and the next appointment they can get for me is in September. So it looks like I'm going today to have my foot X-rayed again and the nerves checked. (I dropped a hundred-pound weight on it not too long ago and contused it all to hell.)

They also want me to go in for a blood draw, so it's going to be a couple of hours.... *really hates the damn doctors and how they expect people to work on "their" time*

I'll stick around as long as I can, though. :)

BrennaLyons said...

Roommates? Ugh! I had a nutcase roomie once. Among her hangups?

She was obsessed over the idea that I was going to use her soap or shampoo. You know... No offense to her, but I have allergies, and the last thing I wanted to do was use something I didn't know was safe for me. Besides...ewww... She wasn't a lover or husband. Why would I want to share her toiletries?

She asked me if I minded her boyfriend moving into her room. I didn't. Guy seemed nice enough, so why not? He wasn't sharing in the rent or anything, but I was okay with it.

THEN she goes nuts and becomes obsessed with the idea that I wanted to steal her boyfriend away. When? No clue, since I was holding down a 23 credit college schedule AND working overtime hours, as well. All I did at home was shower, sleep, wash clothing...and occasionally have a meal. And I was engaged, to boot. I had no interest in her boyfriend, who was a decade older than both of us and something of a loser...three DUIs and couldn't hold a job very well. His major occupation seemed to be watching TV, eating, and keeping her fairly happy.

Which leads to... She confronted me and tried to claim I was eating more than my half of the food. When? As I said above, I was never home to eat. I always grabbed something at work or between school and work. She wanted me to pitch in more money toward the food bill. I refused and countered that she could consider everything in the house hers. I would purchase food and mark it as mine with the stickers I used on file folders. They would eat theirs. I would eat mine. I didn't have to restock groceries for three months (besides milk and bread). She found herself spending three times as much on groceries than she did when I was sharing the bill with her. It was the bf eating it all, while he watched TV.

She would also call me at work to scream at me about the drama of the day. I started hanging up on her and told her not to call me at work again. That "offended her." Rolling eyes.

Oh, and I was a clean type. But I had stacks of books and papers, each stack a class/ my own room, where she never had to go. That drove her crazy. She couldn't stand that I had these stacks around my room. I came home one day and found all my stacks unceremoniously dumped in a box. I told her NEVER to touch my things fact, never to go in my room again. I didn't make a habit of going in her bedroom. She had no business in mine.

We only roomed together for a year. I couldn't stand her longer than that.


BrennaLyons said...


Hope you feel better. I'm still healing from a bad fall on the ice in Feb. It took them two full sets of x-rays and five days to decide if either of my ankles was broken. Rolling eyes. Not fun at all.


Teresa K. said...

Nicki, I live in a four unit Townhouse. Three of my neighbors were great it was the one next to me who was a butt wipe.

I don't know why he took an instant dislike to me. I was in my early thirties and my son was 4 when I moved in there. We never bother a soul. No one half the time knew we were there unless you seen my vehicle in front of the apartment. I picked up my dogs droppings, respected my neighbors privacy.
This jack off would pound on my walls so hard he would knock my what nots off the walls.
He would do this if the music was to loud. But the thing was it wasn't me. It was the neighbor on the other side of me who was playing the music so loud.

I put up with the crap for four years. Not only did he do this he called child services on me and had me investigated.

He and his wife had grandchildren hers from a previous marriage. In four years I never ever seen them open there curtains nor did anyone ever come to visit them.

I am a Christian and instead of being nasty to them I would mow there yard. You know kill them with kindness. They were nutso but I still tried to be the better person. One day I caught him outside and I told him; "Louie your so ugly to your neighbors that if you were laying out in the street dying people would drive over you or around you and leave you to die".

I told him I was raised to be good to your neighbors for you never knew when you might need them. I never found out there problem but I eventually moved away as far as I know there still there terrorizing someone else.

Teresa K.

Nicki said...


OUCH! You had a crazy roommate, who could easily give your crazy neighbors a run for their money, it sounds like. I can't believe people like that are allowed to go out in public. X_x

Nicki said...


Wow. Someone took an extra serving of Carnation Instant Bastard every day, didn't he? Glad you moved out.

And Brenda,

Yes, I'm fine. Turns out I compressed a couple of nerves, not just one, and they want a second draw to check my cholesterol. I have to fast for that one, though, so it couldn't be done today x_x But yes, I'm okay----was a miracle from the Mother that I didn't break it. (Ever have a barbell weight land on your foot? Not fun.)

Nicki said...

Gah, Brenna, sorry about misspelling your name. Must be brain fart day. ^_^;

BrennaLyons said...

No problem, Nicki! It happens all the time. Grin...

Pinched nerves can be really nasty. Hope it heals soon.


Kissa Starling said...

I've had my share of crazy neighbors. I've had some lady leave her kids with me- and not come back for days. I once lived in a place where we would lift the blinds upstairs and keep all the lights off and watch the parking lot. Knife fights, gun shots, fighting- we didn't need television!

Nicki said...

Wow, Kissa! Sounds to me like you lived in Chicago. xD

My thing is ambulances. I live a block from the hospital, and ambulances come by like crazy. (Naturally.)

But the thing is, the fire department is always coming to the house across the street from me, because my drunken neighbor with the two kids and revolving door has APNEA. She goes through periods where she won't breathe----and when she gets drunk, her daughter freaks out so hard; she once asked me to stay the night because she was afraid she would die. Stupid? Yes. Pitiable? Very. Crystal needs to quit drinking or quit smoking----either way, she doesn't seem willing to do either.

Kayelle Allen said...

I'd make a comment about my past crazy neighbors but the truth is none of mine can even come close to anything you guys have shared. o_O All I'll say is that it doesn't pay to live downstairs from a pair of biker dudes who lift weights (and drop them on the floor) at 4am. Yeah.

Nicki said...

Biker dudes can be bitches, Kayelle.

Thanks for stopping by. :)

Nicki said...

Well, date is calling----

Have a great day, you guys! Thanks for having me, bearing with me and commenting, laughing, commiserating!

I had a lot of fun, and I would love to do it again. *Hugs all*