Wednesday, 6 April 2011

The Perils of Reading Erotic Romance

Today we have a guest blogger. I read an article on Miz Love Loves Books http://mizlovelovesbooks.com and it just cracked me up. So I contacted Miz Love and asked if her reviewing sidekick, Miz Management, would like to expand a bit on the article and share with everyone at Four Strong Women. Wasn't long before I received a note from Miz Management saying she'd be delighted to tell everyone just what happens when you read really good erotica. So sit back, get ready to laugh. This is a real HOOT! And if you haven't visited the Miz Love Loves Books site, you should. It's a different kind of review site. Check it out!

Take it away, Miz Management...


I’m going to give you an honest-to-God answer to a question some people might well have asked. Why do people read erotica? Well, for me it’s because I’m scared. Yeah, scared of doing anything other than my usual bedroom acrobatics, which doesn’t amount to anything more than vanilla sex with a little smack to my azz every now and then.

Hey, I don’t knock the spanking when I can get it, but it isn’t that often. I mean, you need a partner for it, and smacking yourself just makes you look plain damn weird. Plus, it doesn’t feel the same. So, yeah, you just realised I admitted that I’ve smacked myself. Haven’t you? When you’re…you know…?
Ok, maybe that’s just me then.

So I read erotic romance because that way I get to experience all the naughty stuff without having to do it. I mean, I know I’m not really experiencing it, but in a way I am because I’m living through the characters. Yeah, that’s a bit sad, right? But when you’ve been as dry as the desert down there for as long as you can remember—dry as a desert when a man’s involved anyway—reading all about it kinda helps, you know? I don’t, um, fiddle with myself when reading or anything like that—not that there’s anything wrong with it if that’s your thang—I just squirm a lot, get hot cheeks (on my face, because I don’t smack myself while reading, goddamnit!) and wonder where the hell I was when romps and fun were dished out when I was in line to be born. For the record, I was also absent for the distribution of slender hips, a nice rack, and an oval-shaped face. I turned up and tagged on the end of the queue just in time for collecting a…wait for it…beauty spot. Someone up there was taking the piss.

I’ve never tried BDSM, although if I had the courage and knew the guy wasn’t going to go around telling everyone at our local pub about it, I would. I’ve never been tied up properly—I don’t think a loose necktie around my wrist counts, do you? Not when I could pull my wrists apart without much effort. And I’ve never had a burglar break in through my back door, if you dig what I’m saying. I’ve always said my azz was for the sole purpose of being a hole where my body waste comes out of, ya know?

So I’m probably considered boring, but with erotic romance, I get all the know-how about these things without having to do a damn thing but read. And get this, if I do get a guy interested and I do get the courage to tell him I want to try this or that, he’ll think he’s won the bloody lotto. I’d look cool and knowledgeable, asking for all this stuff to be done to me, not to mention the horniest chick he’s ever met in his ever-lovin’ life, and…then I’d have to pretend I knew wtf I’d been talking about by actually doing it, when deep inside I’d be shitting bricks.

A sad state of affairs, right?

I read a book on the train the other day. Ginger Snap by Shoshanna Evers. The review for it is on www.mizlovelovesbooks.com And, man, that book shocked me. I thought I’d read about it all. Boy, was I wrong! It involves some sexy shenanigans with a ginger root put in places other than your cookie mixing bowl, know what I mean? And let me tell you, it got me all in a quandary. Now, not only do I want to try the stuff in all the other erotic books I’ve read, now I want to use a finger of ginger on my damn self and see if it burns as much as it says in the book. What the hell’s that all about, huh? Why all of a sudden do I want to try all these things out? Is it because the books give me ideas, let me know what I’m missing? Is that it?

I have no idea, but I think I’m going to make a good effort in finding myself a burglar. Yeah, I want my house broken into and all my belongings stolen. I want to be tied up and smacked on my azz until I can’t stand it anymore. And I want to try nipple clamps.

(Where the hell did that idea come from? Wtf is happening to me?)

I’m drowning in a sea of naughtiness as a reviewer, guys ‘n’ gals. I’m thrust—see, even that word has got into my article here, Jeez!—into book after book where everyone is having sex in ways I never thought possible, while I’m stuck with Quivering Quentin, my trusty plastic, dick-shaped friend, and no hope of ever trying this stuff out. And I’m shocked that I even want to because I thought I was vanilla. Clearly, I’m vanilla, with white sauce, nuts, and a whole heap of cherries that need popping—cherries being the first time I try all the things I wanna try.

I’m just glad the other books I read don’t make me want to do what’s in them too. Like Good Housekeeping—who wants to bloody clean, huh? Gardener’s Green Fingers—hey, don’t knock green fingers; I read an erotic book about an alien once, and green fingers or not, he was HOT! Maybe I ought to ask my next boyfriend to wear green latex gloves and pretend…

Well, maybe one day I’ll come back here and tell you if I ever do any of the things in those books. Maybe…if I find the courage to do any of them. Now, I’m off to the supermarket. I need some ginger…

42 comments:

Tess MacKall said...

Fiddle? LMAO God you crack me up. Like you, sometimes reading erotic romance does indeed turn me on. But that's part of the point. Erotic romance is supposed to engage the mind, body, and soul.

The really good stuff does just that! I'm going to have to read Ginger Snap---looks like it might be heavy on engaging the body! LOL I love it!

Shoshanna Evers said...

I'm so glad Ginger Snap inspired you to um... spice things up, LOL ;)

I have a secret belief that no one's as vanilla as they think they are!

I love reading erotica, the dirtier the better. The only thing more fun for me is writing it - because I can make the hero say and do whatever I think would be hot!

I'm always very nervous the first time I give a new book to my editor or a beta-reader, because I wonder "Are they going to think I'm mental for thinking this is hot?"

So it's *really* nice to know I'm not alone in thinking there's just something very appealing about (ahem) spicing things up!

Tess MacKall said...

Oh Shoshanna, when I'm writing, I catch myself grinning. And then pray no one was watching me. LOL

Wipe that smile off your face! We know what you're thinking. LOL

Hey, I always say I'm vanilla but I like a little chocolate syrup and a few nuts on top too!

Faith said...

Nothing like a beyond-volcanic-hot romance, lol!

Sarah J. McNeal said...

Oh Tess, you sassy girl, you crack me up. Fiddle? as in plucking strings and things? Lordy. I'd rather eat a ginger snap than to put it in other orificies. A very entertaining blog.

Hales said...

LMFAO OMG Mizz Management you are fantastical! Man you are like my Fav person of the Month. LOL! I know how you felt. I'm gonna have to get ginger snap but I know it does burn for a fact. I'm a curious bumble bee damn if I won't try something at least once. But never thought of figgin myself! Ha that's great :)

I'm gonna be dying in laughter all day because you didn't gloss anything over but went all out! Great personality maybe we're related :)

Toni V.S. said...

A great post! It's early in the morning and I'm already laughing! As long as there are imaginations, there are going to be more and more wild and inventive ways to do it. SO...vive la imagination!

Raine Delight said...

*wipes tears off face*

Damn this was hilarious and I am not brave enough for the ginger...I leave that to the more adventurous ones. :-)

Great blog and I am headed off to Miz Management's blog to check i t out.

Tess MacKall said...

OMG...Miz Management does not know what she's done. LOL

I feel so sorry for the men in all of these women's lives. LOL And the grocery store is going to have a run on ginger root today! Well, maybe this weekend. I think it's a weekend kind of thing. lol

Nanny said...

OMG! Great post, I'm still smiling. Strange you mentioned ginger root I was looking at one yesterday while at the store. I didn't buy it, but it crossed my mind. Fortunately for me I have a hubby to try all the naughtiness out on though. I love the look on his face when I say I wanna try this thing I read about... It's great!

Debbie Gould said...

OMG! The tears of laughter have everyone in my office giving me strange looks.
LOVE IT! Miz Management you've made my day! Maybe my night too, lol. Great post.

Miz Love said...

Hello Tess.

Ginger Snap opened my damn eyes, man! Made me cross my legs too. But I'm gonna try it one day when I get enough courage.

Miz M

Miz Love said...

Hello Ms. Evers.

So there you are, the woman who has my mind all over the place. Yeah, I want to spice things up. And talking of spice, just don't write a book about chillies up people's privates because I swear to you now I'M NOT GOING TO TRY THAT!

Miz M

Miz Love said...

Hello Faith.

It was too hot to handle for my little naive self.

Miz M

Miz Love said...

Hello Sarah.

Fiddle. You know (whispers) play with your little self).

I'm blushing. This is just too rude.

Miz M

Miz Love said...

Hello Hales.

I ain't got any damn man to fig me, so it stands to reason I just have myself to do it. At least when I curse at the burn no one will hear me and see my face go bright red. Jeez. Imagine having to go to the doctors because it burned too much. Try explaining that to the poor guy/gal.

"Oh, I stuck a finger of ginger up there. Nothin' unusual. My normal daily practise..."

Miz M

Miz Love said...

Hello Toni.

I'm not sure I can cope with all your imaginations for much longer. If I get a book with something else new in it, I'm likely to run into the sunset screaming.

To be truthful, my curly covered lips can't take much more.

Miz M

Miz Love said...

Hello Raine.

Well at least my dilemma is making people happy. I'm frustrated!

Miz M

Miz Love said...

Hello Nanny.

Lucky you. I need to find myself a man that won't flinch when I tell him I want a ginger hole.

Miz M

Miz Love said...

Hello Debbie.

I apologise for your office workers looking at you like that. I had to go to work after reading Ginger Snap on that train. I was a wreck all day because of what went through my mind. I nearly had to go and fiddle in the bathroom.

I think that was TMI.

Miz M

Debbie Gould said...

Guess I'm going to have to buy this book and see what all the fuss is about, lol. Ginger...who knew?

Miz Love said...

It's ever so rude, Debbie. Be prepared to shut your legs tight when it burns for the woman in the book, and at the same time you go all funny down below in a really intense way.

I'm trying to be polite in how I'm wording this.

Miz M

Tess MacKall said...

Trying to be polite? LMAOOOOO

OMG...this is just too much. This is killing me. I am laughing sooo hard.

I swear, it's about time someone described just what these books do to us. LOL

I always hear about the emotions and it made me cry and it made me laugh. It made me mad. I got confused. etc etc...but no one talks much about the physical reaction.

This is just soooooo cool!

Miz Love said...

Hello again Tess.

I'm thinking of writing a damn book all about how reading these books has changed my life.

When I first started reading at Miz Love I didn't know half of what I know now. And since starting there, Quivering Quentin has come into my life. Shame he can't come for real, but I can't complain. He does the trick. And I only bought him because of something in a book.

You writers are corrupting me.

I just know I'm going to fig myself at some point. The lure of it is killing me.

It keeps me awake at night.

I seriously need help.

Miz M

Debbie Gould said...

Oh just do it, LMAO!

Michael said...

OMG! Great post!

I hear ya! We read or write what we ourselves cannot or will not do. It expands our imagination.

Nothing wrong with that.

Awesome post.

Shatita L aka Michael M/Rawiya

Anthology Authors said...

Hm... ginger up there? Um, yeah, have you ever cooked with ginger? Try that first. LOL Let it burn your fingers as you cut it up. Then eat it and let it burn your tongue. (g)

I think I'm a little more vanilla than you, Mz. M. (g) A pat here and there, okay, but ginger?

If you do, will you come back and tell us about it? (g)

Miz Love said...

I'll try, Debbie.

Miz M

Miz Love said...

Hello Michael.

Yes, I live through books. If only it wasn't seeping into my real life!

Miz M

Miz Love said...

Hello Anthology.

I've never cooked with real ginger. If I buy it to cook with, the temptation might be too much to stick it in an orifice, and I don't think I can trust myself just to make gingerbread men.

Miz M

Tess MacKall said...

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

can't trust yourself just to make gingerbread men.

Miz Love said...

This is true, Tess. The ginger would wiggle its finger at me and make me do naughty things with it. I know it will. Maybe I'll just cheat and buy a plastic one. You know the kind, the ones like those strings of onions you can buy to make your kitchen look like you know what you're doing while cooking.

I could call it Fake Fred and he can live in the drawer with Quivering Quentin.

Miz M

Anthology Authors said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA I'm so not into any type of pain. (g) It's amazing that I have a child. (g) So, um, you are welcome to the ginger. ;)

She said...

Oh, this is too funny! Miz Management, you and I are soulmates. I feel exactly the same way and you put it perfectly into words why I also read erotic romance but I will go a little further than you. After a lousy few days this has made my night. Thank you so much!!!!!

Yolanda said...

Miz Management, I loved your post. It was hilarious.

Fiona McGier said...

Great post! And you ladies do an excellent job reviewing books, if I must say so myself! Only had one done by you so far, but made my day, that's for sure!

Miz Love said...

Hello She.

You go a little further? That makes me feel better. I am not alone.

Miz M

Miz Love said...

Hello Yolanda.

Miz M

Miz Love said...

Hello Fiona.

We do try and bring reviews to life. It has been enjoyable so far.

In more ways than one.

Miz M

P.L. Parker said...

LOL! So funny. I have to admit, I read my first erotica the other day, won it in a contest. Interesting.

Miz Love said...

Hello P.L.

Laughing at "interesting".

Miz M

Velvet Rose said...

Boy, I'm really glad to know I'm not the only erotic reader/writer who likes the stuff because she is too chicken to try some of it out for herself. I must admit I can get a bit adventuresome in the bedroom, but there are some things I've enjoyed reading or writing about that I know I would never actually do!