Friday, 5 November 2010

Hairy Legs


Marci mentioned hairy legs in yesterday’s comments, and it gave me the idea to discuss those furry buggers today. Now, you’re either religious about shaving your legs, so-so, or you don’t bother unless you have to. I’m a so-so kind of bird. I try to keep on top of it, but sometimes, especially during winter, those hairs kinda keep my legs warm so I leave them to grow like the unruly weeds they are.

Well, there are various ways to get rid of that hair, aren’t there? Yes, and I eff most of them up. Years ago, I had a Ladyshaver, bought as a Christmas present I think. I was in my teens, I know that, and I felt most marvellous for having a “grown-up” shaver. The problem with it was, you know the metal bits at the side of the shaving bit—shit, a writer who can’t explain her damn self—umm, the actually silver bit that does the shaving, the edges of those used to dig into my leg and leave a pair of angry red marks. Also, the bloody thing used to either burn my skin or cause some form of irritation, because by the time I’d finished, not only did I have the thin red marks but also a kind of shading in of lighter red from the main shaving strip. Great!

So then I got, when it first came out, a new-fangled shaver. Called the Epi Lady or something like that, where the oscillating shaving bit took the hairs out by the root instead of just cutting them. Oh my. Let’s all buy one and have the pleasure of having the sensation of a million pin-prick jabs as we position our foot delicately on the bath edge and shave our walking equipment. No, let’s not. By the time I’d finished, I had tears streaming down my cheeks and the urge to throw the Epi-Wotsit down the toilet.

Then I moved onto the shaving cream. You know the kind. With the spatula thing you scrape up your leg after having the cream on for five minutes. It didn’t work for me. Utter crap. First, it smelled like eggs gone bad, and while I strolled around the house waiting for the ten minutes to pass, everyone kept asking everyone else who had farted. With everyone denying being the culprit, and me leaving them to it because hey, it was fun listening, I went upstairs with much excitement at the thought of running that spatula up my leg and seeing the hairs just GONE! 1, the spatula had a rough edge and it felt like it was taking my top layer of skin off, and 2, the hair just bunched up like matted teddy bear—yes, I hadn’t shaved for quite some time at this point—and didn’t come off. The trusty Bic razor had to come out, and shaving off those matted hairs HURT!

So then I decided to just stick with the razor and shave them just before getting out of the bath, using shower gel as an equivalent of shaving foam. This is a good method, unless, like me, you regularly slice half your damn kneecap off, gouge out a divot from the skin over your shin bone, and, mothereffer of all pains, where it feels like that razor has become a machete, taking a chunk of skin off your ankle. I have since learned not to go bull at a gate with the razor and become quite adept, but there have been times in the past where I’ve shaved them dry for lack of time to do otherwise and earned myself chafed red legs that itched like crazy.

I tried waxing once, and it wasn’t my legs. No, for my first and ONLY time of waxing, I decided I’d be clever and wax my bikini line. Oh. My. God. Anyone ever done this? There I was, merrily following the package instructions, which SHOULD look like the following, in my opinion, and soon discovered I wanted no part of the waxing craze:

Step One: Place tube of wax in hot—not boiling!—water. We have to mention the boiling water because we think you’re stupid.

Step Two: Wait ten minutes.

Step Three: Spread wax on the area you wish to remove hair from. Be warned, the wax is very hot and could burn your skin to the point you jump around your bathroom shouting “Argh, argh, argh!” and possibly “Oh, fuck ME that’s hot!”

Step Four: Once you have completed this step, use the strip provided and press it onto the wax. Be sure you don’t press ALL of the strip onto the wax, leaving yourself with no means of having anything to grip. This leads to you having to try and wedge some scissors between your skin and the strip, and also the wax, which will have gone cold, so you can cut your hairs and create the tab of strip you need to grip. If you succeed in doing this without stabbing yourself or causing untold pain, please move on to the next step.

Step Five: Grip the strip and pull AWAY from your body in one fast motion.

Step Six: Once you’re done screaming, wipe the tears from your face, take a deep breath, and try again. We realise the strip didn’t budge an inch. Don’t count to ten and coach yourself to pull. Please just pull. Don’t be disheartened that your skin is throbbing and on fire. Waxing takes some getting used to.

Step Seven: Repeat step five.

Step Eight: Repeat step six…

Step Nine: Continue to repeat steps five and six until the strip has been removed. Please note, this may take several attempts and leave you a sobbing wreck.

Step Ten: Success! You now hold the strip between finger and thumb, complete with ONE hair on it. You’re sweating profusely, your gums hurt from having clenched your teeth too hard, and you vow never to use wax again.

Step Eleven: Revert back to the trusty razor, clenching your teeth again as it snags in the wax-coated hairs and rips them from your body, making you bleed.

So, it isn’t surprising, then, why some women don’t bother shaving their legs or other hairy parts. I won’t even go into how much it hurts when spraying deodorant on a freshly shaved armpit…

Well, you beautiful bunch of readers, it’s Friday and the last day of my week of posting for the month. Next week we have the fabulous Tess MacKall to entertain us. The way we work this is we all have a week. We can post once or all week. If one of us doesn’t post more than once or twice during our week, one of the remaining three hopefully will. So, you might see my crazy arse popping up from time to time before my week rolls around again. You poor sods…

I’m also over at Three Wicked Writers Plus Two today for my regular weekly spot in my Natalie Dae persona, so if you’re interested in joining in, come on over! The post is about an emotional moment for me and my youngest daughter, and I’ll admit I cried while writing it.

Have a great day, a great weekend, and I’ll “see” you soon!

61 comments:

Anny Cook said...

I confess I've never waxed other body parts, but once a week I have to wax my jaw, chin, neck...in general--my face. Due to age, I pretty much have a full beard.

To compensate, the hair on my legs seems to be thinning out. Good trade off.

Tess MacKall said...

First off, the pic is hilarious. And the directions for waxing even more hilarious.

Shaving is not something I do a lot of anymore. Yep, I just admitted that. I wear pants and sweats all the time. No man in my life so he doesn't have to worry about the fur. So I'm pretty cool with it all. lol But I do honestly shave at least once a month. I do so hope no one reads this revelation by me and decides that an erotic romance writer can't write if she doesn't shave her legs---cause it's a nssty pic to pain for sure.

I wax my eyebrows. Or rather have someone do it. I'd screw it up. Costs me ten bucks every six weeks to keep the perfect arch. Not a bad price.

I remember owning an epilady. That damn device had to have been invented by a mean ass man so soured on women that he thought it would be fun to give us all that product.

Tess MacKall said...

And that should have been nasty pic to paint for sure. I can't type this morning. sighhhhhhh

C. Zampa said...

I laughed so hard at this!
I've never waxed, either, and I only heard 'tales' about the horrors of Epilady.

The pain you've described is justification for wearing longer skirts and jeans always.

And to think. In so many other cultures, women don't shave at all.
Sigh.

I enjoyed this!

Faith said...

OMG!!!!!!! I laughed so hard this morning I'm wiping tears away!!!!

I remember when the wax stuff first came out, my mom tried it and then didn't have the courage to finish ripping off that first strip. She yelled for me to come do it for her. Uhm, no freaking way, Mom, you are on your own.

Every few minutes I'd hear, "Ouch! Dammit! Shit!" sprinkled with very loud screams between cuss words.

Natalie Dae said...

HAHAHAHA! It's horrible stuff, Faith. Don't ever do it yourself. Honestly, it's damn torture.

(Crap, I'm in the wrong name, but I'm flicking between two Blogger blogs. Pest to keep logging in and out!)

:o)

BrennaLyons said...

Oh, I am laughing so hard, I'm crying. Only women talk about these sorts of things, I swear.

And why IS it so much easier for men to shave? I think all razors must be inherently designed for men and not women or something.

Reminder to self. Get a new electric razor. One of the kids dropped mine in the sink and popped the blades off. Sigh...

I loathe regular razors, since I routinely cut myself. I dislike the cream stuff. And I did throw away my Epilator after the first two strokes. I refuse to try waxing, because I know it will be like the Epilator.

Brenna

Kimberly Menozzi said...

I have an epilator like this one:

http://makeupandbeauty.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/Epilator-2.png

It doesn't hurt at all when I use it, and the version I have in the US has a razor attachment too. Now that I'm using it regularly, I can go nearly a week without needing to "shave" at all.

The first couple of times it did hurt, but then it didn't any more. And once you've used it for a while, the hair thins out quite noticeably. Double bonus!

Faith said...

I actually did try waxing once. The key word is once, lmao!

trinity said...

Thank you for this laugh! I even read it outloud to my friend here at work. We laughed so hard! Try reaching for a razor and find husband or daughter has used it making the blade dull. Talk about screaming when the first cut appeared.
Trinity

Welcome said...

I remember those days. My most vivid shaving memory involves using my father's double bladed razor and unfortunately he must have just changed the blade. I took off a long piece of skin right up the front of the right leg. It bled so bad I couldn't get out of the tub without blood dripping everywhere.

I was upstairs and mom was downstairs in the the kitchen. I didn't think she was ever going to hear me yelling at her and by the time she managed to get to me--what must have been ten minutes later--the water was brown.

She saved the day by packing the wound, and I do mean wound, with baby powder to make it clot. I couldn't make myself use anything other than an electric shaver for probably ten years afterwards. Damn but I traumatized myself.

I look back on it now and think. DUH. Stupid teenager, but them it scared the crap out of me.

Sarah Masters said...

Hey there, Brenna!

Trust me, waxing is worse than the Epi-Wotsit. My goodness, it reduces you to feeling like a kid when you can't get the strip off. Ugh!

Glad you got a giggle!

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

Ah, Kimberly, see my one had a circular end. This one looks more like the one that made me have red stripes. Just the thoughtof the Epi makes me shudder. Glad it got better with time for you then.

LOL @ you saying "bonus"!

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

Hey Trin!

LOL @ you two laughing.

Yes, blunt razors are also evil. Done the bikini line with one of those? You may as well just grab the hairs and rip 'em out yourself!

:o)

Faith said...

Not to mention the horrible bumps you get that scab over and itch like the devil!

Sarah Masters said...

Hi Welcome!

Yes, and don't those cuts BLEED! It's like they won't ever stop. Makes the bathroom look like the guy from the Halloween movie came by for a visit.

Bless you as a teen. Must have been a freaky moment. When you mentioned the talc, though, I winced. Didn't it sting more?

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

Yeah, Faith. I hate those ones beside your lady garden, on the inner thighs. You go out to the shop and get the urge to scratch. People think you have something else entirely going on down there, when it's just shaving rash.

:o)

Cassie Exline said...

All this time I thought I was Queen of hairy legs until I saw the photo. I abdicate the throne. lol Funny, funny, funny. While reading about your waxing experience, tears rolled. Yep, been there, done that. OMG childbirth was easier. Although I still have my eyebrows waxed by a professional. I hold on to the arm rests and hope I live. There are times that I swear she yanked off my skin. Not sure how but this is all my husband's fault. I'll figure it out. ;)

Sarah Masters said...

Hiya Cassie!

Yessssssssssss! I'd rather give birth than wax again! HA HAAA! Crazy but true.

So nice that many people today have had a good laugh. Warms my heart, it does!

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

Gawd, with the flurry of comments I didn't reply to my elegant pal, CZ! I'm sorry, love!

*slaps self*

Hey, imagine us being a culture that didn't shave. I'd be in heaven, I tell ya. Funny thing is, Hubby doesn't seem to mind if my legs resemble a yeti's. Good job really, eh? HAAAAAAAAA!

:o)

Elizabeth Black said...

OMG I'm laughing so hard I'm bleeding out of my eyes. :)

I shave my legs over the summer but not in the winter. Right now I look like a hobbit. I DO wax my chin, though, about once per week. I am a very hairy lady and I've noticed I"m getting hairier as I get older. Remember Cousin It from "The Addams Family"? That's a relative. :)

Thanks for a great post to go with my morning i.v. of coffee. LOL

Debbie Gould said...

Oh my, the things we women put ourselves through.
I remember at the age of ten, thinking myself all grown, shaving for the first time. I came out of the bathroom all smiles because I had managed to succeed without needing a major blood transfusion, and found my mother standing there shaking her head.
"Now you've gone and done it." She said, in a weary all knowing tone. "Once you start, it never stops."
My smile disintegrated and my jaw slammed to the floor.
"What do you mean?" I asked innocently.
"Debbie, once you start shaving, the hairs grow back in thicker and darker and you have to keep shaving them off forever."
"No." I screamed "You're lying! Why would you say such a horrible thing to me." And I ran to my room sobbing.
Three days later, to my utter dismay, the dreaded hairs had begun to grow back and they were PRICKLY!
I vowed then to never shave again. That lasted till I was fourteen and fell in love with the handsome neighbor boy, and so it continues today. Such an awful, awful chore!
Loved this post. I needed the laugh this morning!!

Debbie Gould said...

Oh, forgot to say I just loved those waxing direction. Wish they were in the first and last box I ever tried. Ugghh!

Regina Carlysle said...

Oh Lordy! That picture! hahahahhahaa. I don't HAVE a lot of hair because of all the 'blondness'. Waxing? uh uh. I tried a Smooth Away and it really worked for me but then my hair is really fine. It's kind of like sandpapering the fuzz away. The rough pad sticks to a little plastic thing and you made circular motions on your legs until it's gone. I like it a lot but then sometimes I forget I have it and end up just usuing the razor. Like you, can't stand the funky smell of the cream stuff. EWWWW. Rotten eggs is right. Gross.

SilverWolf said...

Love the picture, and the great laugh your post gave me thanks. I shave my legs and arm pits at least once a week in the winter and about every two or three days in the summer. I use a razor for women and shave while taking a hot shower, it seems to help. I too have removed strips of skin and even a chunck or two. My legs have scars from shaving but I don't tell anyone that's where they came from.

I've never tried waxing since I saw someone who had before I was old enough to try it back in the day. Thank God for that. I did use the lady's razor you mentioned and yes it did leave red streaks. I used it to shave the back of my neck because I was getting a tattoo and didn't know they would do it. I had razor burn on my neck from the electric razor which hurt worse than the tattoo I had put on that area. That tought me a good lesson, never shave an area before going to the tattoo parlor if it needs shaved they will do it for you. I won't do the laser hair removal either, not that I have a problem with pain since I have a high tolerance when it comes to pain but I wanted a friend of mine have it done and saw what she looked like afterwards, and you have to have it done at least 3 times over the same area to get rid of it forever. Besides if you have blond hair it won't work. Yup you guessed it I had medium blond hair so no go anyway.

Sarah Masters said...

Hi Elizabeth! Glad you enjoyed the post. I know what you mean--my youngest is a hairy kiddie. Dark-haired too. She's going to detest that hair as she gets older.

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

LMFAO Deb! That thicker comment is so true. It really is a nasty job. Mind you, I do like the feel of them when they're first done. NOT that a go around feeling myself up or anything.

LOL

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

Hi Reg! Hmmm, that's an alternative I haven't tried. Problem is, I'm prolly fuck that up somehow too ahahaha.

:o)

Debbie Gould said...

LMAO! Uh huh, sure you don't.

Sarah Masters said...

Silverwolf...hahahaha @ not telling anyone where those scars came from. SO FUNNY!

Ouch on the skin burn and tatt. That would have made the tatt healing process just that little bit more uncomfortable too!

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

Debbie Gould, I do NOT feel myself up! How very DARE you!

ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

:o)

Debbie Gould said...

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!

Anthology Authors said...

You know, my legs almost resemble the pics, Sarah. This is absolutely hilarious! The next time I shave my legs, I'll have to first use a buzzer-- yes, a buzzer--and then I can commence with a regular razor.

Well, I've waxed my legs once or twice. My sister is a beautician. She did it for me. And it seems that every time I did do it, I was on my period. :-O It's much, much worse when you are hormonal, ladies. Much, much, much worse! She still waxes portions of my face, and for the first time in a long time, I wasn't on my period when she did it. Wow! It was pleasant, comparatively. LOL

I has Sis wax part of my pits once. Again, I was on my period. And, oh, my God! Never again. Never. Never. Did I say, "Never?" Yeah, well, I mean it. Never again.

And she's also waxed my bikini line, too, but not more than once. I'll stick to lip and chin, thank you.

This week has been great! I can't wait to see what Tess has in store for us. :)

Faith said...

People actually wax their pits???

Anthology Authors said...

Yes, but I wouldn't recommend it. Sis said I was a wuss. Ha! That was too... just too.

Molly Daniels said...

I'll stick with my trusty razor and aloe shaving cream, thankyouverymuch:)

And yes, I'm more diligent with the shaving in the summer time!

Waxing? (shudders violently)

I like to AVOID pain! I'm not part of the 'suffer to be beautiful' crowd.

Fiona said...

I've been told by elderly aunts that once you get past about 70, you don't have to shave anymore. Pitiful comfort, when nothing else will be working by then either...plus by then, who the hell is going to be looking at your legs to care? Sheesh!

joey said...

guess I shouldna admit that I am onuva those freaks that has no body hair.....just the hair on my head and my eyebrows....so no shaving, waxing or torture for this girl....

I hafta admit that your waxing instructions were hilarious...I am so glad I dont hafta go thru all that...

Thanks for the chuckles and fun!

jo

Sarah Masters said...

PITS, Marci? Oh. My. God! You're crazy!

LMAO @ your legs being like the pic!

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

Me neither, Molly. I'd rather look like a damn yeti.

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

Bless your aunt, Fiona! Oh wow. We have something to look forward to in old age. EXCELLENT!

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

Hi Jo!

You lucky thing! Reminds me of a friend of mine. She doesn't sweat. Ever. Some medical condition she has. I would also love that!

:o)

Sue Roebuck said...

OMG what a horrible picture! The things we have to go through... Waxing? No never - it takes your skin off too. I've got one of those epi things and grit my teeth and bear it but have you tried using it on other parts? I wouldn't recommend it - ever!
This is such a good post. Thanks
Sue

James L. Hatch said...

Okay ladies, time for a little balance. Imagine the terror of having to shave your face...EVERY DAY! I hate my razor, and the blood letting never stops. On the other hand, the topic of this blog was the inspiration for a character called "The Brazilian" in my new comedy, "Oh, Heavens, Miss Havana!" Yes, he's quite gay. He's also into S&M, but too much of a little girl to try anything to satisfy his perverse urges except waxing.

Faith said...

I can sorta relate, James. My hubby hates shaving with a passion. He's the type of guy who can shave at 10 AM and by noon he has the five o'clock shadow. The thing is he looks like someone out of Deliverance when he doesn't shave, and as a result, he only shaves maybe twice a month because he hates it so much.

However, I keep telling him how handsome he is when he shaves. I hate the big, bushy red beard! LOL!

Sarah Masters said...

Sue! Hahahaha, yes, other parts...OMG what a KILLER that is!

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

James, that is one thing I do feel sorry for with men. God, that would be more than a chore than it is for us. At least we can hide our hairs!

:o)

jean hart stewart said...

Hilarious!!! I loved it. Now I know why my son grew a beard. He said he couldn't stand shaving and now I believe him. Shaving every day? Yeow!!!!!

Sarah Masters said...

Hi Jean!

My hubby has a beard of sorts too. He detests shaving!

:o)

Anthology Authors said...

Welcome, James!

Fortunately for my husband, James, he works where he can go three to four days. He's very scruffy, and I don't care to rub my face against his when he does, but as I am iffy about shaving my legs, I can't really complain about him having a scruffy face. (g)

His father has a beard. And while I'm not a big fan of facial hair (not including eyebrows or eyelashes of course), there are just some people who look better with facial hair. One of my childhood friends had a stepfather who without his moustache could pass for one of the villains in a melodrama. He also had the personality of the villain. (g) Yeah, no, we didn't like him too much. (g) However, can you imagine Tom Selleck without his moustache? I can't. Or Santa without a beard? That would be sacrilege. LOL

Anthology Authors said...

Sue, I can't even imagine using one of those Epi things on any part of my body let alone other parts besides my legs. (g)

Occasionally my DH teases about getting a Brazilian wax. My response: "Only when you do." (g) The subject drops pretty quick after that. (g)

Tess MacKall said...

okay, okay...let's put a little more spin on all this hairy legs stuff here. James has weighed in with not wanting to shave his face all the time. Yep, I'd hate to have to do that. But I do have to deal with under my arms, my legs, and and and ....... now we're being told we must be clean-shaven or waxed YOU KNOW WHERE. OH HELLLLLLLL NO! Trim it, ladies, just trim it.

So when it comes to the male-female race on whose got the worst end of the hairy stuff? I'd say women still are firmly in the lead. LOL

Sorry, James...you're a doll for braving all these women. LOL

Debbie Gould said...

I agree, Tess. But I love the idea of his knew character, "The Brazilian", too funny.

Tess MacKall said...

Oh, I love the title of his story. I can almost hear the screams now when that strip is pulled away. lol

Debbie Gould said...

LOL. Yeah, all too well.

Rachelle said...

Laser, laser, laser girls! Totally relate - first time I tried waxing, burned my entire thigh & had a scar for months. Epilady worked well for years (yes, it hurts like hell the first time - but hair gets lighter & less & easier). Then turned to the professionals for all my waxing needs... armpits above, and favoring brazilian or none at all below (what can I say - it's NYC, we go extreme). But now I'm hairless - underarms, bikini & legs - and I love it!!!! OK - yes it took 6 trips, but it was sooooo worth it! And it really wasn't so bad - and it was quick. Maybe it's just NY - but most people I know have gone the laser route... A word of caution... seems I took too well to laser "down below"... can anyone spare some hair there?

Sarah Masters said...

I now have Dr. Evil in my head!.

LAY-ZZERRR!

:o)

Nicki said...

I get waxed.

That's right, it doesn't hurt too badly if you have a pro do it. But then of course, I worked for about a month as an exotic dancer in 2010, so I had to have something to take everything off.

And uh, anyone know where I can get an Epilady? It'd be cheaper than a $35 Brazilian and a $30 leg job. :)

Nicola E. Sheridan said...

Rachelle - you'll have to invest in a mirkin (a pubic wig!) :P

Hilarious post. Thanks!

Honoria Ravena said...

Lol, okay I'm an esthetics student so I have some experience with waxing and you never want to wax your down there area on your own. Go some place and have that done, because you don't know what you're doing, and I imagine the angle to pull the strip would be wrong. Also, if you ever were to get it done, pop some asprin and your put hydrocortisone cream where you're waxing.

Also it really does depend on who's doing the waxing and if they know what they're doing. I've never had down there waxed, but I've had my legs waxed by other students. With one it was torture, and with another girl it barely hurt at all.

Faith said...

I've always wondered how that area could possibly be waxed. I would think it would rip sensitive skin off with the hair.