Monday, 8 November 2010

C-Section In the Cereal Aisle


Okay, it’s time. It’s here, and we can’t avoid it. And personally, I’d rather be beaten with a wet whip. Even though the OFFICIAL holiday shopping season does not begin until Black Friday—the day after Thanksgiving—we all know that it has already begun. How do we know?

Because it’s not hard to figure out when you walk into Wally World and see jack-0-lanterns sitting under a damn Christmas tree, that’s why! Crap—one holiday blends right into the next these days. I don’t know why they don’t just have one big room with one big tree sitting in the center decorated with Christmas lights and little Easter bunnies and turkeys, toss in a mix of leprechauns and hearts, some July 4th sparklies, and then just lay all the pumpkins under the tree year round. Makes more sense. They could call it the Holiday Room or something like that.

Okay, if anyone sees this happening anywhere, let me know cause it was MY idea first and I want royalties of some sort for coming up with it.

By the time Christmas actually rolls around, my spirit has gone out the window. I’ve seen all the tinsel and lights I care to see. Even the town where I live has already wrapped the street lamps with red ribbon and bows and put up the wreaths. Yep, already. It comes earlier and earlier every damn year. What happened to anticipation? And you know what? It really did come earlier this year than it has before. I honestly think that it did. Why? Maybe because the stores are so concerned about the economy they are “gently”—yeah right—reminding everyone they NEED to spend money with them earlier this year cause it might run out before Christmas—their money—not the merchandise.

And along with holiday shopping comes the usually piss-me-off situations too. People are just plain rude. But that’s the way it is at Wally World year round, isn’t it? When I turn my cart down an aisle and see that it’s busy, do I park my cart in the middle of the aisle or turn it so it’s sitting crossways? Nope. But you can bet your ass there is always someone on that aisle who’ll do exactly that. And when you say “excuse me”, you’ll have to say it several times because they are either enjoying a nice long chat with someone or they are pretending to be deep in thought when they are really just ignoring the eff out of you cause they don’t want to be bothered. Asswipe—where’s the toilet paper aisle?

What about those people who are in front of you pushing their cart at minus fifty five miles per hour. You know the ones—out for a Sunday stroll—Wally World is ALL the entertainment they have in their lives and every damn thing in sight simply fascinates them? Well, maybe they’re shut ins and don’t get out much but—I DON’T GIVE A HAPPY RAT’S ASS—GET OUT OF MY FREAKING WAY WHY DON’T YA?

Oh, here’s one for ya—kids. Mamas who cannot/will not control their snotty-nosed kids should be banned from shopping. If your kid is NOT ready for prime time, get him a leash, please! And the best thing to do is to drop him off at Granny’s. I do not want to listen to you scream at your child. I do not want to watch said child swinging on everybody’s shopping carts or touching everything in sight with his dirty little hands that I MIGHT just want to buy. And please, take the kid to the bathroom the moment he starts doing the damn pee pee dance. I don’t want to slip on a yellow puddle either and most certainly DO NOT want to smell said puddle or the kid’s wet pants after YOU didn’t take him to the bathroom. God, how can a person continue to shop when they know their kid is soaking wet in piss and has got to be miserable?

What about the sales associates? Have any of them ever actually helped you? Do they really have a clue? First off, can you EVER FIND ONE? And when you do, it’s always someone else’s responsibility isn’t it? Someone else knows and no one knows where to find that someone else. I imagine them hiding behind stacks of boxes in the warehouse waiting until I leave and the all clear is given.

And why is it what I want is always on the very top shelf?

Now let’s talk about Black Friday. Do you go? Are you that brave? I’m not. NOPE, won’t go. Never. My sis went again last year. Said the place was packed at the entrance and had a line that stretched to the end of that big ass parking lot—people wearing nightgowns and curlers, men in shorts and no shirts—uh huh—lots of hair sticking straight up. And when the doors opened there was an absolute stampede. She was ready for it, though. Her first year she got spun around several times and almost trampled. So she figured out how to stick out her elbows and stand firm while she ran with the rest of the pack. I kid you not. She demonstrated her technique for me too.

So she got inside and went running to electronics where the computer was that she wanted. Nope, Not there, it was stacked over in the grocery section—so she and like ten or twelve others go running to the grocery side of the store—not a short distance. Once there, they all sort of slam on brakes. Why? Because there is a pregnant woman—about eight or nine months along—big damn belly—spread out over the boxes of computers—each foot is touching a computer, each hand touching a computer, her ass is sitting on one, and her legs are covering at least two each. And she’s looking at everyone and saying: “Anything I’m touching belongs to me.”

My sis said she was sorely tempted to give the woman a C-section right on the spot. Cutlery aisle please!

But Sis got her computer anyway—yes, they were all gone by the time she got shoved to the rear of the pack but Sis—not to be taken lightly, ever—went to the manager to complain. And as it turns out—the manager is ready for just about everything. He always holds back a couple of items it would seem, for customers who are ready to kill, and I KNOW Sis had murder in her eyes. She called me from the store and used all kinds of nasty, vile words at five fifteen in the morning to wake me up!

Have you ever been to the People of Walmart site? You gotta go. http://peopleofwalmart.com

You’ve seen those pics on groups. You sit at your comp with your mouth wide open and shake your head, don’t ya? I do. Honestly? I’ve never seen a lot of that at my local store, but occasionally, someone does stand out.

But I look at these people and think: THEY ARE NUTS. I mean, don’t they know people who should say to them: “DON’T GO OUT IN PUBLIC LOOKING LIKE THAT” ? Seriously, wouldn’t you tell them not to go? It’s kind of like American Idol only for clothes and general appearance. I mean, all those people who show up for Idol who CAN’T sing and you think: SHOULDN’T SOMEONE AT SOME POINT HAVE INFORMED THEM AS TO THEIR LACK OF FREAKING TALENT???????

I know for a fact that if I ever dressed up like any of these people or had a hair style that looked like someone should take a weed whacker to it, one of my kids would sit on me and NOT let me go anywhere until I’d had a serious makeover consultation—and then I’d better be fixed too.

And wouldn’t you think that Wally World would give the greeters a button to push alerting the men in white coats to bring their nets? You can’t tell me that someone who goes out in public dressed like a fool is NOT crazy. They are definitely crazy. It’s okay to walk to the beat of a different drummer, but shit, shouldn’t ya bring the sticks?

One more thing before I close. Do you ever play the parking game? You know the one—where you ride around the parking lot for what could be only a couple of minutes and up to thirty or more looking for a parking space. And along the way you end up giving someone the finger at least once?

Okay, Wally World has garnered enough of my attention today. Got any horror stories? Any shopping tales from HELL? I’d love to hear them. I don’t want to feel alone. Truly don’t. Is it just me, after all?

http://tessmackall.com


40 comments:

Regina Carlysle said...

Every year I'm appalled at the Christmas displays in freakin' Sept. and Oct. Can we have Halloween and Thankgsiving first? Please? No wonder consumers are burned the hell out. Yesterday's paper was full of blockbuster deals for Christmas. No I don't do Black Friday shopping. Did it once and I swore never again. I DO have my Christmas gift list going which is very weird. Maybe all this 'in your face' advertising is working on me. Don't know.

Anthology Authors said...

Oh, my God, Tess! I had not seen that site, and I have to say those photos are disturbing. This one made me laugh the most:

Junk in a Box

If anyone has watched SNL, they will know that Dick in a Box skit. And he does look like the dude from it. My recommendation is to keep your hands away from any box that man might ever hold. (g)

Sarah Masters said...

AH HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHA @ It’s okay to walk to the beat of a different drummer, but shit, shouldn’t ya bring the sticks?

I can't effing BREATHE here!

:o)

Tess MacKall said...

Heck, I didn't see any Thanksgiving stuff. Just jack-o-lanterns and Christmas trees. Seemed really off to me too. LOL

I've only bought two things so far. And I think I'm going to order online right much this year. I really don't relish going into Wally World at all

Tess MacKall said...

I'm sorry. But I just can't share aisle space with someone like that. I guess that makes me judgmental. So be it. I'm judgmental. Dude--what's up with the hair?

I don't want to touch anything he's touched and that's a fact. The more pics you look at on that site the scarier it gets. Not joking.

Author Casey Sheridan said...

Great post! I laughed so hard my boss thought I had lost my marbles.

No, Tess, you are not alone. It's not just you. I hate it when people have their cart blocking the entrance to the aisle while they're down at the other end scratching their butt.

I was just at Wally World yesterday and there is a big X-mas tree right by the entrance along with other "holiday" paraphernalia. It's too early for this stuff. Halloween just ended and it's not even Thanksgiving yet.

Ugh! I am NOT looking forward to this so-called "holiday rush".

Tess MacKall said...

Oh God, Sarah you should hear my sis retell her Wally World tale. It would crack you up. I have to make her tell me every once in a while just to get a laugh. The expression on her face as she tells it is funnier than anything else.

But yeah...bring the damn sticks to go with the beat. Lots of people walking this earth are two bricks shy of a load--but I think they congregate at Wally World. Might be the Mother Ship.

Sarah Masters said...

ROFLMAO @ Mother Ship! Please stop making me laugh! My ribs hurt!

:o)

Tess MacKall said...

Thank you, Casey! You know I actually heard a man and a woman in the office supply aisle one Saturday afternoon planning a rendezvous. And I mean of the sexual nature--both of them talking about how they were going to get away from their spouses. Can you believe that? They didn't even TRY to lower their voices around me either. And no matter how much I tried looking between them, around them, or under them---did they ever get the hint to move out of the effing way so I could look at all the notebooks hiding behind them either.

I should have waited in the parking lot for them to come out, followed at least one of them home and reported what I knew to the spouse. Just sayin'. lol Yeah,
some people just need a cattle prod up their...

Tess MacKall said...

Hey, stop in at Wally World--you won't need me for entertainment anymore, Sarah. Trust me. Just sit on one of those park benches they have in there and watch. Scary stuff. If you sit there long enough you're bound to see something that will flip you right the eff out.

Nanny said...

Oh Man You just gave me another whole bunch of reasons to never go to Wally World ever again. And the only one in our family who hasn't started x-mas shopping is me. I hate it!

Dennis Hays said...

I don't freakin' care if it's Rite-Aid, Grocery, Wally-World, where ever, if someone is so rude as to leave the cart blocking the aisle, I don't say anything.

I push my cart through theirs, usually at the front and keep on walking. In ten years, I've never failed to have the 'owner' say excuse me.

Sheesh.

Tess MacKall said...

Nanny---shop online. I'm gonna do a lot of that this year. lol I don't think I can handle these stores this year at all.

Tess MacKall said...

Must be a man thing, Dennis. I can just imagine what would happen if I shoved my cart into someone else's to move it out of the way. It would be a blue-light special--and it's not even K-Mart. lol

Oh, nooooo...down South you just don't do that type of thing unless you can back it up. And I can't. lol I'd be afraid I'd become Wally World's latest MOP. lol

But I'd love to see someone do just that. Send video of you pushing through those carts--c'mon, Dennis---be like Nike--Just Do It!

Thanks for posting!

Elizabeth Black said...

I have known about the People Of Walmart site for ages. It's a scary thing to see.

All you need to end your rant Tess is to write "Get off my lawn!"

I don't do Christmas shopping but I do decorate and bake for the holidays. I'm going to make pizzelles and ginger snaps again very soon plus some pumpkin bread. I must admit I love this time of year. It helps if you don't go anywhere near a mall or store. I do all my shopping online when I shop but this year it's homemade gifts because money is tight. All my son wants is his World Of Warcraft expansion so that's his gift. Easy to please!

I am not crazy enough to shop on Black Friday but I did go to the mall once just to watch the nutcases fight over overpriced junk. I had already finished my shopping so I could gloat. :)

I agree with you about the parents who can't control their little no neck monsters. Get a lease for God's sake or keep the kiddies at home if you can't control them!

Sarah Masters said...

I love that idea of pushing their cart with mine. And I could just hear that "Excuse me?" there, as though THEY weren't in the wrong.

:o)

Lusha Lovelace said...

Tess, I feel exactly the same way about Adventures in Wally World. Yet we keep going back there. Why? Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Are our mental marbles really worth the $1.56 we scored on the giant package of toilet tissue?

I'm a freaking addict and you can't stop me hahhahahaha!

My all time favorite people of Wal-Mart is the guy wearing camouflage shirt and pants and cap playing deer hunter in the arcade. The caption reads "You know the deer can't see you, right?"

anny cook said...

The simplest solution to dealing with the Christmas rush is to not shop until your designated date. In our family it's December 2. And most of our gifts are hand-produced OR if they live across the country, they're a gift card because I refuse to give the post office money I could give my family members instead.

Now... about that Wal-Mart story. Except for the Wal-Mart closest to us, the rest in our immediate area are joys to shop at. Yep, I know I'm goin' against the grain here, but that's the truth.

I want to give the Wal-Mart in Olean, Cattaraugust Co., NY a shout out. A few years ago the house hunk had a grand mal seizure in the main aisle there...you know the one by the entrance? They were prompt in summoning assistance and then something happened I've never seen anywhere else. Some code was announced over the loud speaker.

Associates came running from all over the store. The formed a circle around my husband with their backs to us to shield us from people standing around and staring. We were there on our vacation. Didn't know anyone in town. And the people of Olean were fabulous.

So yeah. There's some real strange stuff going on out there. Just wanted to speak up for the good stuff!

Dennis Hays said...

Tess, it's not a "man thing," it's attitude and determination. I used to live in the south and traveled regularly: Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Alabama.

Sarah, yes, they know they're in the wrong, they know what they did.

And I don't bang their carts, although sometimes I want to, I slow a little, and gently push them aside. There is no reason to ask them to move it; you could say being polite means you should, but their rudeness in blocking the aisle requires some operant conditioning.

Nanny said...

Oh I forgot I wanted to add if someone blocks the isle at a store around here I move their cart for them. Ya know just being helpful. :)

Lily Harlem said...

OMG! The people of Walmart link - being a Brit who has never been to Walmart I almost fell off my chair! UK equivalent - my best guess would be Netto (feel free to contradict me). Where are my skuddy pj's and hair rollers we'll soon have a 'people of Netto' site!!

Scarlett Knight said...

The last time I went to Wal-Mart, I grabbed a one of those baskets with the crooked wheel--you know, the kind that you just want to just straight, but it wants to turn right at a 90-degree angle? I figured I could put up with it, but after about 5 aisles, I was so pissed I was picking the back end of it and slamming it down straight every few seconds. Did I get a new basket? No. Because then it would have won.

KarennaC said...

Holiday shopping has gotten ridiculous. The rudeness, along with the stores starting earlier and earlier each year, makes me want to hibernate from Halloween until New Year's Day.

I told my 12-year-old the other day that Santa Claus was already set up at our local mall, and asked if she wanted to go see. (She probably won't actually talk to him, but she still believes... it's a long story.) She looked at me with utter disdain and said, "Why would I want to see Santa in NOVEMBER? He doesn't belong at the mall till December. Don't they know that?"

I think she's got the right idea...

Tess MacKall said...

Hiya Lizzie,

Yeah, Jess showed me that site a long time ago, but it's always good for kicks. I just have issues with ANY shopping these days and the one place that gets my feathers ruffled more so than any other is Wally World. It's odd, but people do have a different sort of attitude in that place. Good manners just roll down the aisle and out the back door it seems.

I envy your no shopping for Christmas deal. I've still got a small one at home. And he expects right much. lol Only one item from Wally World this year, though. lol

Tess MacKall said...

Oh I can just see you pushing a cart into someone else's, Sarah. BAM! That would be a real hoot.

Tess MacKall said...

Hi Lusha,

I agree. We meet the definition of insanity precisely with some left over probably.

I will say, though, I've cut back on Wally World right much. At least by half. Why? Cause I just cannot handle the rudeness or the size of the store any longer. It's just overwhelming. I much prefer my little shopping centers and strip malls where I can walk up the sidewalk and go into one little shop and then another.

Something about that relaxes me.

Tess MacKall said...

Well, I've got plenty of attitude, Dennis. Maybe my technique needs work is all. LOL

I swear--you need to video it and let us see how you go about it. lol

I see what you're saying--but see to me--and those people that I see doing this? Well, that's just asking for trouble. I'm only 5'1" tall. I'm scrappy---but not THAT scrappy. lol

Seriously, I think it would get me into trouble.

Tess MacKall said...

Awww...such a nice story, Anny. I love that. Gives me hope--but you see, my complaints aren't really so much about the employees at the place. Usually, I don't really have that much of a problem--it's the other shoppers.

Although I will say that a couple of weeks ago I had to wait nine people deep in a twenty items or less line while the cashier checked out her friend who had not one but TWO shopping carts loaded down with groceries---and yes, they were friends cause all they did was laugh and talk through the entire thing.

But I love your story. Backs to you to maintain your privacy. That was an incredibly nice gesture. Thanks for sharing.

Tess MacKall said...

You're a sly one, Nanny.Now I've done that before too. Except when some woman has her handbag in the cart. I won't go near it then.

Tess MacKall said...

Oh, Lily...you need to start one of those sites and let's see who wins. lol

My sis saw a dude in Wally World one time walking around in his whitey tighties. Why no one made him leave is beyond me.See, when someone is baring too much skin---I think that's offensive and the police should be called--albeit they need to bring the dudes with the nets too.

Tess MacKall said...

Go Scarlet! Wrestle that cart, girlie! Funny, but I've done the same damn thing. I think Lusha had it right--we're the definition of insanity. lol

Tess MacKall said...

Howdy K! I'm with your kid. Santa does not belong at the mall until the day after Thanksgiving at least. There is something just not right about it otherwise.

Cassie Exline said...

Oh your poor sister. I did Black Friday once. There's not a thing in this world I want that bad to go through that hell again. Maybe I missed it, but did your sister get a computer? That pregnant woman was a good ploy. Love the WalMart link, I think I know a couple of those people. lol

Tess MacKall said...

Yep, Cassie, she got the computer. The store managers apparently put back one or two of just about everything from what I understand for all those customers who are ready to rip their throats out over the stupid mess that goes on. So she got hers.

And I pray I don't know any of those people on that site. I worry whenever I turn down an aisle in that place that I'm going to meet someone like that and lose it for good. I would not even have the presence of mind to whip out my trusty cell phone and take a pic and submit it to the damn site. I'd simply lose it and not be able to do a thing.

C. Zampa said...

I got sidetracked on the People of Walmart site. It's addictive. I forced myself to stop, though, in fear that if I went too far, I'd eventually see myself in one of those 474 pages.

Funny blog!

Tess MacKall said...

Oh Lord. If I saw myself on there somewhere I'd go crawl in a hole and cover it up behind me. No way. No damn way.

Faith said...

I've been offline for a couple days, so I'm just now getting to this. LOL, tho...Tess you have the same attitude that I do about Christmas shopping. It's why I've always ordered 90% of my gifts, bu this year it looks like I'll have to go out in that madness.

I detest Christmas and have since I was about 20. If I could, I'd skip Thanksgiving and Christmas and go straigh to New Years.

Tess MacKall said...

Christmas shopping doesn't appeal to me either, Faith. I've got kids who simply expect a big haul at Christmas and the fact is, I always buy for them. It's Christmas year round at my house.

My fourteen-year-old had a hundred and fifty dollar game purchased last night. And he's looking forward to Christmas? What for? He's got it all.

Christmas really needs to be toned down at my house this year. I think I'm going to have a long talk with everyone about it too.

Kate Richards said...

I always swear NO Black Friday! And then someone makes me go with them! It's never my idea and still ends up costing me a fortune and a day of my life I'll never get back. Okay...recently at wall mart it was Dominatrix's in charge. Horrifying looking women - dressed as Tess described - followed by gorgeous hubands and kids who do their bidding. Fetch my oreos! Get me my poptarts! If anyone can explain this phenomenon, I am listening. I'm pretty sure nobody is making me go this Black Friday. I plan to shop online exclusively...please!

Tess MacKall said...

Yes, Kate...stay home with the rest of us sane people--do not go into the darkness. LOL

Oh God, I swear, I love a sale just like anyone else but I won't fight someone over it. And you KNOW we're going to see on the news about fights breaking out over something somewhere.

I've seen the Dominatrix...saw her just a few days ago. She had like five kids doing her bidding. What a mess.