We're happy to have with us today, Miss Havana. We met Miss Havana through her...uh...uh...agent, yeah, that's good...we met her through her agent, Mr. James Hatch. James knows Miss Havana intimately it would seem, and he's explained to us that she's quite a gal. She likes to give advice, and it appears that her experiences deem her top dawg when it comes to doling it all out.
For a closer look at books by James Hatch click HERE. You can find James and Miss Havana at these places:
TAKE IT AWAY, MISS HAVANA!!!!
The Amiable Miss Havana
So, you want to know my qualifications for giving advice? WTF? Did anyone ever ask Abby or Ann anything like that? So what makes me a target? Because I’m prettier? Asking me a question like that is like asking what makes the four women who own this site strong? I’m strong, but you’ll notice the name here isn’t Five Strong Women. Maybe they couldn’t find a fifth, or didn’t even look? I was certainly available.
But rather than point fingers, let’s just say I’ve been through Hell and that uniquely qualifies me. No. Really. I’ve been through Hell. Lucifer was my “man”, if you can call that shithead a man. Living in his lair didn’t get me a website, but it made me strong to survive...and gave me a daughter. You might get to meet her one day if you play your cards wrong, but that’s another story. Fact is, going to Hell isn’t recommended, and my time with Lucifer isn’t what got me there in the first place—it only gave me a new perspective, attitude being everything.
Mostly it was the life I led before that catastrophe that gives me the experience to enlighten others, at least in terms they can understand. That was when I actually liked men, or better, liked what they could do for me. Face it, the “other side” didn’t give me this beautiful exterior just to have me squander it working as a bank teller, did they?
Okay, so I ruffled a few feathers, and perhaps a drug deal or two went south. BFD. It could happen to anyone. I was a substitute teacher during the week, and a party girl on weekends. My students learned, or faced my whistling paddle. On weekends, Chicago pulled out all the stops—the Windy City was my playground. And play I did. It’s just unfortunate there were so many bad sports, or I’d still be racking up profits and destroying lives. Mine was a short life, but so chocked full of experience I can barely cram it all in the advice I offer now—advice you’ll never get from Ann or Miss Manners!
The Best Advice You’ll Ever Get
As you read my pearls of wisdom, there are only two rules. First, if you argue with the advice I give, you are wrong. Second, don't ever take me seriously. If you do, then we are one and the same.
Dear Miss Havana: My significant other lets his nose hairs grow to the point they look like bottle brushes. He refuses to trim them. What can I do? Sincerely, Frustrated Metrosexual.
Dear Frustrated: Yeeeuch! I can see why this might bother you, but here’s a quick and easy solution. Wait until he’s asleep, and then fire up your trusty butane cigarette lighter. Depending on nose hair density, a controlled burn could be tricky. You’ll need to be quick because the conflagration could crown, but it is possible to completely clear both nostrils before he’s fully awake. You can do the ears later.
Dear Miss Havana: My boyfriend uses the phrase “Let ‘er rip” before he farts. He believes that’s acceptable, but I believe it’s crude. Can you resolve this conflict? Yours truly, Curious in Quebec.
Dear Curious: Yes, I can. “Let ‘er rip” is a phrase used during the bikini waxing process, just ask any Brazilian. It’s a warning. That’s probably the reason your boyfriend uses it before he farts, kind of like “Fire in the hole!” As an aside, you might get control of this endearing aspect of his behavior by reminding him it’s much easier to blame others for the stench if he keeps his mouth shut.
Dear Miss Havana: How can I stop my husband from standing up to pee? He has a frigging ten-foot splatter pattern! Help! Yours, Chamber Maid to his Highness.
Dear Chamber Maid: I sense a little anger here, but you have the power. Grow a pair, so to speak, and demand he clean the damn crust from the walls himself. This problem is a macho thing, where the extent of the splatter and the amount of testosterone are directly proportional. Tell him his penis will friend him on MySpace if he doesn’t clean up his act—that this behavior is about to go on your top ten list…along with not screwing him.
Dear Miss Havana: My husband farts at night and I can hardly breathe. What can I do? Gasping in Georgia.
Dear Gasping: First, be prepared. Be sure to keep a flashlight handy to ensure he hasn’t shit the bed. If not, slither out and toss a match into the cloud from a distance.
Miss Havana, Lucifer, and their daughter, Lilith, are the main characters in “The Substitute,” James' latest novel that will soon be released by Solstice Publishing. The book is a side-splitting romp through the end of Miss Havana’s life, and her introduction to purgatory and Hell. “The Empress of Tridon” will also be released in the next week by xoxopublishing.com. Direct interaction with God is an interesting aspect of this Sci-Fi novel, especially when viewed from His point of view. The heroine, Eve, directly confronts God, and learns the fatal down side of doing so. The plot is extremely complex, but the reader will be delighted when he comes to grips with it.
If you’ve made it to the end of this blog, thank you for your time and interest. Thank you also Marci, Faith, Tess, and Sarah at Four Strong Women for hosting me today.
If any commenters would like to ask Miss Havana any questions--got a problem that needs solving--ask away. I'm sure she'd be more than happy to oblige!