Friday, 19 November 2010

Falling on my rubbery behind or laugh, baby, laugh

Today, I'd like to welcome Cassie Exline, a fabulous author of many genres and overall entertaining woman. Her newest release, Ruby's Deadly Secret, is the second in her Sheryl Locke Holmes mystery short story series available at Wild Child Publishing. Think "Murder She Wrote," but with a younger, hot woman, a hot--fanning self--boyfriend, and a splash of humor.

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Ever laugh at the wrong moment? I'm warning you now, don't ever trip and fall in front of me. It's a sickness. I have to laugh and I'll continue until the tears roll and my sides hurt. Oh, I'll help you up, but I'll laugh even if I slip and fall on my butt beside you.

A few years ago, back in the dark ages when we still rented VHS movies. Well, my husband pulled up to the video store, I hopped out of the truck and down under the truck, I went. True story! I'm stretched out on my back, my head even with the passenger door, still open by the way, when I hear my husband ask our daughter, "Where did your mother go?"

To which she said, "She was here a minute ago."

I'm staring up at the sky, praying to God that DH doesn't move the truck and a new customer doesn't pull into the lot. The next thing I see are two faces peering down at me. Now you know what they said, "What are you doing down there?"

Okay, that wasn't funny to me, but they thought it was hilarious. Damn slippy shoes.

But it wasn't long after that the tables were turned. DH loves his cowboy boots. Don't ask me why he'd ever wear them in the wintertime, but he did. His legs shot in all directions and I laughed my ass off. Down he went and shot me a dirty look. I couldn't stop laughing. It's a sickness I have. He got up and went right back down. By this time, I was doubled over and could hardly breathe. More dirty looks darted my direction. He decided to walk in the snow and every third step he would slip. I couldn't move from the car for twenty minutes and I peed my pants.

When I started the job I have now, I discovered that my behind is made of rubber or else I'm magical. I can fall on it and I'm instantly on my feet. Amazing. Seriously. It was winter, I had good winter shoes on this time, no slippy ones, and strutted out of the police station. No, I wasn't arrested, but getting the police report for the newspaper. Out I went and twenty feet later, down I went. Like magic, I was on my feet. One of the Borough employees watched the whole horrible incident and asked if I was alright, in between snickering. Jackass. Oh, I assured him I was fine. No big deal. Did I mention this occurred on Main Street? Down the sidewalk I pranced like a pony, waving at people, chatting to this person and that, up the steps into the building where I work, on to my office. I closed the door and dropped like a rock on my chair. My God, I hurt. Everything hurt. If someone had yelled fire, I'd really had to think what I wanted to do.

My next "trip" was in the spring. I was off to the Library for a photo op, across the street and not far from the office, so I walked. No big deal (notice the pattern?). Let me tell you, don't ever get drunk in my town and walk down the sidewalk on those freaking bricks. Stupid lopsided pieces of crap. It was pitiful. I'm a country child, I know to watch where I put my feet, except I didn't and I did--fall that is. Down I went and up I popped. Like magic. I'm a good employee or just lucky, I didn't break the camera, but I thought I'd broke something else. On I went to the library, smiling, ever the trouper. This time I could feel the blood sticking to my pants and the palm of my hand burned like fire, but I pasted that blasted smile on my face, took the photo, asked the questions, and sauntered back to my office. I had bruises for weeks.

Don't get me wrong, bricks are beautiful as sidewalks, but also dangerous, even if straight and even. The area where I work in is part of the historic district. So, we also have a brick sidewalk. My hand to God, I have stood on those damn bricks and slid downward to the square. There's a slope. It was a slow go and I had time to think about how to escape with dignity. Don't forget, I work on Main Street. When I got close enough to grab on to a porch railing, I latched on like it was a life preserver. For a while I thought I was going to have to crawl on my hands and knees back to the office. A good Samaritan came along and put down salt so I could hobble back.

Golly gee, what wonders I have to look forward to with winter just around the corner. Rubber unite! Never mind, just pass me the Ben Gay and put on the coffee.

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Excerpt from Ruby's Deadly Secret

by C.L. Exline


Sheryl gazed into Jake's eyes and caressed his cheek. "I'm sorry for overreacting. For a brief moment, I thought I had lost you. I know better, but I'd just been with Mrs. Wallace and listened to how much her husband's betrayal had hurt her. I wasn't thinking, not with my head. Forgive me."

"Take your hands off of me!" yelled a voice in the distance.

Sheryl and Jake looked over to see Dot being physically escorted out of the restaurant.

"Madam!"

"Look, you little toad, take your hands off of me."

"I better intercede before Dot gets physical." Jake hurried to smooth things over. "Lawrence, it'll be okay. I'll take over."

Lawrence let go of Dot, but glared at her before facing Jake. "She and that blonde friend of hers are not welcome in our establishment. Both are troublemakers. We run a reputable business and cannot have altercations disrupting our patrons."

"Like I care to go back in! I wouldn't go in that rat hole if my life depended on it," Dot said and rubbed her arm. "You better hope I don't get bruises from your manhandling me."

The man snorted before stomping back into the restaurant.

"You didn't hit Lisa, did you?" Jake asked.

"Lawrence wouldn't let me."

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19 comments:

Faith said...

LOL at the image of your hubby slipping in his boots. I instantly saw Tom from Tom and Jerry trying to get a grip on ice and using his claws to get stopped!

I fall all the time. I don't need a slick surface to do it either, nor do I need to trip over something. My mother said I'm about the least graceful person she's ever seen, but how I manage to keep from breaking my neck is always what shocked her. I've fallen UP stairs, sprawled out in the middle of the mall, and many more embarrassing moments. I have weak ankles and trick knees.

Cassie Exline said...

Oh, bless your heart, Faith. There are times I wonder how I've survived. If you ever fell and I was there, I'd help you up. I promise. Other than that, I can't help but to giggle or teh hee. LOL

Anthology Authors said...

I used to do all kinds of stupid things. Once, in high school, I was walking on the armrests of the auditorium seats because the girls in front of me where taking their own sweet time and wouldn't move. (I was one of those kids who wanted to get back to class ASAP.) I slipped, my foot got stuck in a seat, and they had to call the custodian to take the seat apart so I could get my leg out. (g) For all my intelligence, that was pretty stupid. (g)

Sarah Masters said...

AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA @ when I hear my husband ask our daughter, "Where did your mother go?"

At this point, I'm laughing so loud, and Hubby asked, "What are you laughing at?"

"Oh, a blog post."

Then...prancing like a pony appeared, and I laughed so hard I lost my breath.

"What are you laughing at?"

"This...bloody...funny...blog..." GASP! "Post!"

Oh my word. That was damn funny.

Thanks for the very big laughs, my dear.

:o)

Cassie Exline said...

LOL Marci, I never had the nerve to try that.

Sommer Marsden said...

I remember the one fall. Eesh. Glad you are made of rubber. I am with you on the laughter sickness. If someone falls down, well, I'll be the one standing next to you laughing. Possibly also peeing my pants. ;)

XOXO
Sommer

Cassie Exline said...

Oh Sarah, so glad I made your day and you laugh. I was under that damn truck so fast, I couldn't even react.

Fun times.

Cassie Exline said...

Oh Sommer, dear friend, who knows about my clumsiness. You can laugh, I will be too.

Abigail-Madison Chase said...

I am on the floor...too funny!

Cassie Exline said...

Thank you, Abigail, I am woman, hear me fall — then laugh.

Tess MacKall said...

I think I'll take out some insurance on you and hubs, Cassie. You two are an accident waiting to happen. lol

Better than the damn lottery. lol

Cute stories, hon. Come back and visit with us again.

Hugs...

Cassie Exline said...

Thanks, Tess. Good advice about the insurance. lol

Cassie Exline said...

You ladies rock. I wanted to thank you all for allowing me to putter on your playground. LOL

C. Zampa said...

Cassie, you and my daughter must have gone to the same School of Laughs. Twice I've slipped and fallen, only to look up from the ground into her hysterical, laughing face. She just can't help it.

I guess, on the up side of it, it at least makes me laugh to and not focus on the excruciating pain! LOL.

Enjoyed your post!

Cassie Exline said...

Glad you enjoyed the post, Carol. We don't mean any harm when we laugh, we just can't help ourselves. lol

Anthology Authors said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anthology Authors said...

Hi C.,

My daughter will laugh, too, but I try not to or she gets upset. At six, I suppose that's par for the course. (g)

Maggi Andersen said...

Coming from Australia I can't imagine having to deal with so much ice and snow. And I always thought it looked so pretty. Maybe you should try a little padding, lol.

Cassie Exline said...

You're so right, Maggi, I need padding or something. Snow is pretty, if only it wouldn't fall on the roads or sidewalks. Of course when I fall, I do help to melt some of the white crap. lol