Saturday, 13 November 2010

Guest Blogger - Ann Nonymous

Hi folks! Today we have one hilarious woman joining us for the weekend. I discovered her blog by accident, browsing, as you do, and got hooked right away because of the humour. Since then, she’s on my “go to” list of blogs for when I’m in need of a damn good laugh. Her name is Ann Nonymous, and she’s been writing a diary of sorts about the dates she’s been on in her quest to find a partner. I was just rude enough to email her and ask if she’d like to join us, and thankfully, she said yes! Her blog title alone cracked me up—Shit My Date Does—so right there she’s onto a winner with me. Ann gives her dates names, and they are tied in with the weird shit these blokes do. Honestly, it's too funny.

Please put your loving hands together several times in a clapping motion and welcome Ann Nonymous!

Sarah: Whoo! Hi, Ann. I’m stupidly excited that you agreed to an interview. In fact, I have that giddy feeling in my belly. How insane is that? So let’s get on with the quezzies, you groovy gal, you.

What was the worst date you've been on?

Ann: Oh, it has to be with Toes. I nicknamed him that because he embarrassed me at dinner by acting like a 12-year-old boy (including cramming chopsticks in his mouth and doing his very sexy impression of a walrus, as well as screaming "Yarrrrr!" when ordering a huge beer). And after that, he stuck his bare foot in my face and proclaimed that I couldn't smell his feet because they didn't stink, even though he wore his shoes all day. Boy, I'm thrilled to know that--my life is all the better now!

Sarah: TOES! AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A FRIKKING FREAK! I have no idea how you didn't puke or punch his weirdo face in.

Talking of weirdoes... Who was the weirdest man?

Ann: The weirdest? Even though Toes was weird, probably the most odd was the freakshow who was talking about how hot it would be for me to put him in a headlock with my thighs. I didn't know how to respond to that, honestly, except to flat-out go invisible on him.

Sarah: OMG. Umm, I don't quite know what to say about that. I'd have had visions of him being a murderer or something.

Which guy gave you the serious willies? I'm not talking about slipping you any passion either...

Ann: Ohhhhhh serious willies. Let me see. I don't remember any guys who were seriously creepy. The closest was the guy who wouldn't stop talking about his ex. And by talking, I mean RANTING--to the point of saying he'd gotten to the point where he wanted to kill her. Yeah, that disturbed me.

Sarah: Oh Lord. Kind of makes you think: So if we got together and I became the ex...

Which date had the most what-the-fuckery?

Ann: Oh, DEFINITELY the golf course douchebag. That jerkface ignored me the entire time, instead spending his time talking to his sluttily dressed coworker. Also making sure to point out to me how verrrrrry super-hot she was, and that she was his trophy female. Gosh, buddy--thanks. I made it through around a half-hour of misery before jumping ship.

Sarah: Oh, I read that post. I'll paste it below for our readers because one part of it had me laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

Would you recommend joining a date site?

Ann: Overall? Yes I would. Just realize that someone may seem awesome in profile, in email, on the phone...but turn out to be a total turd in person. Be prepared to date a lot of frogs before finding your prince; patience is the name of the game. Or maybe you'll be the lucky person who finds Prince or Princess Charming early which case, I'll seriously hate you for life. haha

Sarah: Ahahaha! Well, thank you for joining us today, Ann. I'm just glad I don't have to do any of this dating business. Please don't hate me!

Ann Nonymous and the Golf Guy

Okay, so there are free dating websites out there, in case you didn't know. One is called Plentyoffish, which is filled with precious gems. And by precious gems, I totally mean unbelievably stupid men. Here's one such guy I'm going to call Douchenozzle. For a douche by any other name would still stink like hell.

So, Douchenozzle connected with me on PoF and seemed really sweet at first! We had a lot of fun IMing each other, and he made me laugh. We set up a date, and he seemed super excited about meeting me.

He let me know a few days before he completely forgot, but he'd already made plans to grill out for a group's annual golf outing that day. But if I was interested, maybe I could come hang out, have a beer or two and walk around the golf course with him, and then when his shift was over, we could go out.

The day before, I text him to confirm. He doesn't reply. So I call him, and he's all distracted and weird on the phone. Whatever--I figured he's busy. The morning of, I send Douchenozzle a text confirming that we're meeting at 11:30. I get a brisque reply of, "Make it noon. I'm grilling."

Well, this kind of pissed me off. I replied that if he was busy, we could just reschedule. He writes back some blathering kind of "no, no, let's still meet" bullshit. Against my better judgment, I go.

I arrive at the golf course and introduce myself to him. He's standing there with a woman in a tiny tank top and even tinier shorts, whom he introduces to me as his "trophy girl." Uh, ok--whatever. Maybe they have some kind of quirky relationship.

I then proceed to spend the next 10 minutes being COMPLETELY IGNORED while he talks to trophy girl. I can't emphasize to you enough how it was like I was invisible. I could have stripped down to my underpants and smacked my ass on top of the table, and he wouldn't have noticed me. What the crap?

Eventually, Douchenozzle finally deigns to spend some "alone" time with me. We walk along the cart trail on the golf course, spending 5 minutes of agonizingly painful conversation. And by conversation, I mean I talk a lot, and he gives gruff answers.

Then he gets a call from a buddy and says, "Okay, I'll head back then." Apparently, he's waiting on a dude to show up, which trumps talking to me. Oh, goody!! I just love feeling not-at-all special!

We wait another few awkward minutes, during which time he and trophy girl reconnect, and they spend the entire time wondering where that dude is. Douchenozzle decides he wants to find someplace for us to sit down--me, him...and trophy girl.

At this point, I'm fed up and say I need to go, that I have errands to run. Douchenozzle has the effing nerve to look completely surprised, saying he's disappointed tht I'm going to leave. I bluntly inform him I'm disappointed too.

Ugh. Okay, I ignored my gut instinct and went on this horrible date anyway. Why did I do that? I had a feeling it was going to suck ass. Assity ass ass. During one point in the "date", I actually went to the bathroom and debated sneaking out a window. But I felt like I owed it to whatever the crap it was we "had" to give him a chance.

Douchenozzle, you taught me an important lesson: if a guy isn't showing enthusiasm about being with me before our date, he sure as hell ain't gonna muster it up when we're actually together. Frankly, it wasn't worth the 45 minutes of agony--I hadn't realized anything could be worse than having a guy cling desperately to me.

But being completely ignored in favor of some hot-piece-of-ass coworker illuminated a whoooole new level of suck.



Faith said...

What nightmares! Honey, you need to hit the lottery and then go on a tropical vacation where you can stroll down the beach and pick every hunky cabana boy you can find to wait on your every need and desire.

I really didn't date anyone who turned into a dating nightmare (psycho ex-husband yes, dating nightmare, no) except for toward the end of a date when the guy would turn into Mr. Oversexed or Mr. Octopus.

And lemme tell ya there are some REALLY BAD kissers out there! UGH!

Anthology Authors said...

I did a bit of internet dating. Matter of fact, that's how I met my husband. But don't hate me, I went on a lot of bad dates before meeting him. One of them was with a guy I'll call the Face Only a Mother Could Love. Call me shallow, but while the guy was very nice, if you've ever watched Just Shoot Me with David Spade, you'll remember that creepy big, blond fellow who I think was either the mail person or janitor or something like that. he was really creepy and had a crush on the daughter of the owner of the magazine. Yeah, my date looked like him. On top of that, he was nerdy beyond nerdy. Sweet, but nerdy.

I am so glad I am out of the dating pool. (g)

Faith said...

Don't feel bad about the nerdy look, Marci.

Everyone thinks my hubby is this scary dude because he hates to shave. He looks like someone who could've stepped out of the movie Deliverance. And what's so sad about his hatred of shaving is that when he does shave, he has this very sweet, very handsome face. If he keeps a trimmed goatee he has a handsome, devilish look (not to mention everyone says a clean shaven face takes 10 or 12 years off of him). I hate his beard, but he hates shaving even more. {{{SIGH}}}

Tess MacKall said...

Thanks for being here, Ann Nonymous.

I had an odd experience with a guy once that left me feeling really creepy.

His wife had died in a car accident and I knew this. He was a really nice guy and we'd been introduced by mutual friends--co workers of his as he'd only transferred to the area a few weeks before hand--so they didn't really know him, just a bit about him. So at the party where we'd been introduced, he asked me out for that weekend.

To make a long story short, he was very entertaining, great sense of humor, I liked him. Although, I didn't feel a spark. There was something a bit sad, off, about him. And I figured he wasn't over his wife.

After our fifth or sixth date--we'd been to a club and we'd both been drinking with friends--he's talking to me about his wife--yeah, what I had suspected was coming out. Well, he whips out this picture of his wife. And I swear---

I looked enough like his wife that we could have been sisters for sure. Needless to say, we didn't go out again. And he and I both had been drinking a bit--although I sobered up pretty damn quick I can tell ya that for sure.

But the next day I called him and explained WHY I could not see him anymore. He, oddly enough, said he didn't see the resemblance at all and wanted to continue. UHHH, nope. Looking for dead wife and blind too. No thanks.

I've read some of your posts on your blog, Ann. Sarah pointed the blog out to me when she found it. Pretty cool. Keep 'em coming. We don't feel so alone out here now. LOL

C. Zampa said...

Nice to meet you, Ann!

Ugh, I hate to say it, but Douchenozzle sounded so familiar to me. The jerk with the unexpected other woman on the date who ends up making YOU feel like the unexpected other woman. I'd have left much earlier, wouldn't even have announced I was leaving. Just bye-bye to go home and do something much more a movie alone. LOL.

I love your stories. Don't know if it's more because of how humorous they are or because they all seem so ungodly familiar!

Thanks for sharing! I SO enjoyed the blog!

Brindle Chase said...

Okay... took me a bit, but I've stopped laughing. Because, its not really that funny. These people are out there somewhere!!!!

On behalf of real men, I would apologize, but I fear lumping myself into this legion of stupidity (what if they are the real men and I'm just a fluke?)

The sad thing is, having had to endure the male species in the locker room, these guys are more common than they should be. The crap guys talk about girls is unbelievable and some of the "moves" or "lines" they trade would shame the guys on Jackass. Stupidity! Sheer stupidty.

I think I realize now, why I was so successful with women, despite my looks and that I was a bad boy. I am a gentleman. A drake, a rogue, yes. But a gentleman too. That I didn't stick my feet in their faces must have be a huge sigh of relief for them!

Brindle Chase

James L. Hatch said...

I have a son in law you'd hate. Treats women like dirt, then wonders why they leave him. He destroyed a really nice girl last, but left us with two great grandkids. I'd like to kill him, but that would mean I'd have to get closed enough to do it. I keep my distance, believing my relationship with my wife is more important than killing him.

On the up side, I met my wife shortly after my divorce (after 27 years of marriage). She was really the only woman I dated as an adult. She also didn't like men much, and asked straight out, "Are you one of those assholes?" Of course, who says "yes" to a question like that? Anyway, we dated for 11 years and finally married 7 years ago. I guess she finally figured out the answer to her question.

Tess MacKall said...'re killing me here. you mean to tell me you've never asked a date to...


Brindle Chase said...

*lol*@ Tess... never! My wife still to this day (19 years later) laughs at me because I excuse myself to the bathroom or go outside to pass wind. Obviously its a bodily function that we wish we never had to do... but I don't lift a leg and let 'er rip right there as I've seen other guys do.

I chew with my mouth closed, I wipe my mouth. I stand up when a lady enters the room. I open doors, (despite the glares I get sometimes). If there are no seats left on the bus and a woman or elderly man is left standing, I give them my seat. I walk to the outside of a sidewalk, so others won't get splashed by cars. I've never laid my coat across a mud puddle, but I have carried a woman from a car so she didn't have to step into a bog! I say 'please', I say 'thank you' and I even say 'you're welcome'...etc... etc...

But to look at me, you wouldn't expect me to be a gentleman. *lol*

Tess MacKall said...

Sir Walter Raleigh is alive and

Lucky wife.

Question: Do you find that your actions--the way you present yourself as a gentleman, the chivalry, treating a lady like a lady--spills over into your relationship with your wife and makes her in turn more feminine? Does it play into your interaction with one another and help to balance your relationship in general?

I've often thought that in society today, that men receive mixed signals from women. We want to be super women it seems and with that, men have been somewhat emasculated. And that the whole Venus vs. Mars issue has been thrown even further out into space.

My fix? If we could, at least in our personal lives, take on more of a traditional role as Man the Protector and Woman as the Nurturer--go back somewhat, at least, to being masculine and feminine, that a better balance would be achieved.

Speaking strictly from a woman's perspective, of course, I feel that if I let a man be a man--let him kill the spiders and hold the door for me, I'm giving him back some of his power--power lost through those mixed signals.

Brindle Chase said...

I think so Tess. I really do feel there are roles that are for men and some for women. Now, I also do not believe there is anything a woman can't do. But let me open the door. Let me kill the spider. Let me fight the war. I don't mean to sound sexist... It's not that I don't think its a woman's place or anything archaic as that. I would love to see some traditional values reinstated. But not necessarily divided by gender. I'd like to see courtesy make a comeback. I'd like to see politeness return. I'd like to see the phrase neighborly mean something once more. I'd really love to see an asshole free society, but I know that's pushing it. *lol* Anywho... I digress...

As for my wife. Sadly, while I was always a gentleman and she very much appreciates that... I hadn't clue about romance for a long time. By the time I figured it out, it was too late. She'd fallen out of love with me. We're still best friends, still married and always will be... but that aspect died for her. My gentlemanly ways do allow her to be as feminine as she wishes, but she's a tomboy at heart, and I don't impose against that either. I'm a free spirit and so I don't impede her freedom either.

Tess MacKall said...

Nicely said.

And since you now so obviously know where you went wrong and are an enlightened man...

"Second chances" is a great plotline within the romance genre. So is "falling in love with a friend".

Sounds like you have a strong relationship that is worth saving.

Brindle Chase said...

Thanks Tess. We do... I'm just biding my time. There really is only one thing blockading me from winning back her love... she has to forgive or forget the past. Right now, every time I make any gesture of romance or intimacy, she gets very defensive and starts dredging up the past and lambasting me with it. Blah, it's a long and complicated situation, but I still have hope.

Anyway... the point being, us men are clueless at times. Romance does not come to us naturally. While I would never act like these guys she's dated, nor defend them... I know enough guys like them to concur that they exist, sadly. *lol*

Shoshanna Evers said...

Great post! I wanted to chime in here because I actually met my husband on an online dating site! I had been on over 100 coffee dates (um, some of those men might have been the same ones Ann's been blogging about, lol) By the time I met my DH, I had been doing the online dating thing for a year and was about ready to call it quits. As for DH, I was the very first person he had met online. :)

Sarah Masters said...

I know many couples who started out online and have stayed together for years. Relationships starting online are more usual than not these days.


Cassie Exline said...

Oh does this bring back a horrible memory. Many years ago in a galaxy far, far away, I was dating a man I thought was the love of my life. Until he said, "What does your dad say about me since you've learned to walk and talk at the same time?" Blond I may be, stupid I'm not. And people wonder why I write about murder. lol

Adelle Laudan said...

Thank for re-affirming WHY I'm allergic to men. Shudders. Kudos to you for handling the situation with such class. I can't say I would have, given the circumstances. Best of luck in your search for Mr. Right.