Once upon a time, there lived a queen in a far away, or not so far away, land who was happy with her life. She had a loving family, a roof over her head (although she did wish for a maid, a personal chef, and a masseuse), loving cats (or as loving as cats can be), and food on the table. Only one thing truly marred her happiness: she yearned for her younger days when panties stayed put, were cheaper, and lasted longer than it took her to wash her hands. Alas, her current panties crept up her buttocks and into her crack multiple times a day. This, of course, happened at the the most inopportune times (eg. in a crowded aisle of a grocery store, walking down a busy street, while in line at the DMV, etc.) How could she pick them out in such places? She could not without looking gauche. And this really burned her buns (although not literally.)
So, she turned first to one of her subjects her male cat Ebony and said, “Ebony, I command you to go out into the world and find me panties that do not creep.”
Ebony looked up at her from his all important task of cleaning himself and blinked his big golden eyes as if to say, “Who do you think you are to command me, wench?”
The queen knew when he was in one of those moods, there was no talking to him. So, she tried her sweet female kitty Patches and said, “Patches, I command you to go out into the world and find me panties that do not creep.”
Patches purred at the sound of her name, but did not move. Matter of fact, she yawned and closed her eyes, settling into one of her many naps.
The queen sighed in frustration. What good was being queen of her little spot of land if she could not get her subjects to obey her? Asking her daughter would not work. Her daughter was too young and still enjoyed the benefits of panties that did not creep because whoever made princess underwear knew what they were doing. Their panties stayed where they were supposed to. Asking the king to find panties that did not creep would result in him buying butt floss. She did not want butt floss. She wanted panties that did not creep. Now, technically, butt floss did not creep because it was already where she didn’t want it to be! (g)
So, out into the world, the queen went. Everywhere she looked, she found creeping panties. They crawled across butts, sidewalks, buildings, and up stairs. They flew through the sky. They floated on the water. It was a nightmare of creeping panties. Finally, she walked into a store and found some panties that claimed to stay put and never creep for the duration of the panties' lifetime.
“Hallelujah!” the queen sang and proceeded to buy 20 pairs in her size.
Hurrying home, she rushed to wash and dry them. As she waited, she threw her old, creeping panties into the trash. And the new panties did not creep, but they cut into her legs until she thought they would fall off. Yet now she no longer had her old panties she had to wear the new ones. Sighing in defeat, she bowed to the inevitable and wore the uncomfortable, stay put panties.
A few months passed, and contrary to the claim, the panties began to creep. The queen did not know whether to weep for joy or weep in frustration. Her legs were much happier, but her butt was not.
With resignation, she realized this was one of the many conundrums of the Universe, one that might never be solved… at least not in the current try-to-convert-all-women-to-wear-butt-floss-by-wearing-them-down-with-creeping-panties climate.
Being the contrary person that she was, the queen refused. Some day, she would find truly comfortable panties that did not creep. Until that time, she’d wear what she had.
And thus ends our story... for now, anyway. (g)