Friday, 15 June 2012

The queen who wished for non-creeping panties--a silly story

Once upon a time, there lived a queen in a far away, or not so far away, land who was happy with her life. She had a loving family, a roof over her head (although she did wish for a maid, a personal chef, and a masseuse), loving cats (or as loving as cats can be), and food on the table. Only one thing truly marred her happiness: she yearned for her younger days when panties stayed put, were cheaper, and lasted longer than it took her to wash her hands. Alas, her current panties crept up her buttocks and into her crack multiple times a day. This, of course, happened at the the most inopportune times (eg. in a crowded aisle of a grocery store, walking down a busy street, while in line at the DMV, etc.) How could she pick them out in such places? She could not without looking gauche. And this really burned her buns (although not literally.)

So, she turned first to one of her subjects her male cat Ebony and said, “Ebony, I command you to go out into the world and find me panties that do not creep.”

Ebony looked up at her from his all important task of cleaning himself and blinked his big golden eyes as if to say, “Who do you think you are to command me, wench?”

The queen knew when he was in one of those moods, there was no talking to him. So, she tried her sweet female kitty Patches and said, “Patches, I command you to go out into the world and find me panties that do not creep.”

Patches purred at the sound of her name, but did not move. Matter of fact, she yawned and closed her eyes, settling into one of her many naps.

The queen sighed in frustration. What good was being queen of her little spot of land if she could not get her subjects to obey her? Asking her daughter would not work. Her daughter was too young and still enjoyed the benefits of panties that did not creep because whoever made princess underwear knew what they were doing. Their panties stayed where they were supposed to. Asking the king to find panties that did not creep would result in him buying butt floss. She did not want butt floss. She wanted panties that did not creep. Now, technically, butt floss did not creep because it was already where she didn’t want it to be! (g)

So, out into the world, the queen went. Everywhere she looked, she found creeping panties. They crawled across butts, sidewalks, buildings, and up stairs. They flew through the sky. They floated on the water. It was a nightmare of creeping panties. Finally, she walked into a store and found some panties that claimed to stay put and never creep for the duration of the panties' lifetime.

“Hallelujah!” the queen sang and proceeded to buy 20 pairs in her size.

Hurrying home, she rushed to wash and dry them. As she waited, she threw her old, creeping panties into the trash. And the new panties did not creep, but they cut into her legs until she thought they would fall off. Yet now she no longer had her old panties she had to wear the new ones. Sighing in defeat, she bowed to the inevitable and wore the uncomfortable, stay put panties.

A few months passed, and contrary to the claim, the panties began to creep. The queen did not know whether to weep for joy or weep in frustration. Her legs were much happier, but her butt was not.

With resignation, she realized this was one of the many conundrums of the Universe, one that might never be solved… at least not in the current try-to-convert-all-women-to-wear-butt-floss-by-wearing-them-down-with-creeping-panties climate.

Being the contrary person that she was, the queen refused. Some day, she would find truly comfortable panties that did not creep. Until that time, she’d wear what she had.

And thus ends our story... for now, anyway. (g)

12 comments:

daintress said...

I tried on some panties that swore they wouldn't creep at Soma. They had some sort of rubber around the leg holes. I'm guessing that these are the very ones you purchased, as I'd only taken three steps around a dressing room in them before they HURT, and I had to pass on those.

I mostly buy the bikini version of VS's "Lacy" now. As far as panties go, they seem the least creepy. Lol!

Anthology Authors said...

They are the Hanes, Brandy. What I don't understand is show they managed to make affordable, non-creeping panties 20 years ago, but can't seem to make any type that don't creep now regardless of price.

Oooo... VS. I have some of theirs, but they creep too. Of course, the ones I have are nearly 10 years old. I don't remember if they crept when I first bought them. (They do now. Of course, my butt is bigger than it was when I bought them. That might have something to do with it. LOL)

Fiona McGier said...

My 18 year old daughter insists that those tiny pieces of lace in her laundry that are smaller than a handkerchief are her panties. I told her I'd rather go commando and risk getting hair caught in jeans zippers, than wear butt floss. She laughs and says they are so comfortable...maybe I'm just too old? Sigh.

Like you, I remember when Hanes made the most comfortable cotton panties that were not designed to be erotic, but to be comfortable. I already HAVE lacy ones for "those moments"...what I need are comfy ones that I can forget about while I have them on, while I deal with the myriad of crises that make up my life!

If women ruled the world, men would have to wear butt floss and comfortable panties would be a birthright!

D. Sullivan said...

Amen, Fiona!! Men wearing dental floss...I will giggle over that all weekend.

Ladies, comfortable panties I HAVE found, but when did those become the white flagged banners that waved long ago on our grandmother's clothes lines? *sigh* Sad that in order to have non-creeping drawers we are forced into old-lady bloomers. Amd, as a soon-to-be 54 year old, I resent that happenstance.

I am NOT old!

I just want comfy underwear!

Anthology Authors said...

Fiona,

Like you, I have a few tiny pieces of lace, but they aren't for daily wear. I tried once to convert to butt floss because Charlie liked them. Unfortunately for him, I'm too into comfort to do it successfully.

Women should rule the world. The world would make a lot more sense if we did. I have to admit, though, not all men should wear butt floss. (g)

Debi,

I know. I don't want to wear my mother's panties. Not to mention the fact that pants are cut much lower now than they were in our grandmas' days. So, even if I like my pants at my waist, that doesn't mean I will be able to find any that fit me and look good. So, if my pants are cut to hit my hips, that means my panties will show. I will look like one of those stupid kids purposefully walking around showing off their skivvies. Yeah, I really want to do that.

Marci

Fiona McGier said...

Hey Marci, my husband used to buy me butt floss and couldn't understand why I wasn't happy to wear them all of the time, so he could imagine me in them while we were visiting family, out to dinner, etc. So I bought HIM a pair and told him that it would be REALLY sexy if he wore them out to dinner with me! All night long he was shifting around in his seat, uncomfortable as hell! That was the end of him buying me butt floss! Grin!

Anthology Authors said...

HAHAHAHAHA, Fiona! Charlie would never do that. I wish he would because he would change his tune very quickly. (g)

Faith said...

I don't care what companies claim, there are no non-wedgie panties on the market. I wear boy shorts and even those creep where the sun doesn't shine.

Cheryl Norman said...

As far as I can determine, there is no such thing as panties that don't creep. Too bad.

CJ England said...

Why so many go commando. The curse of the creeping panties...

Anthology Authors said...

Faith,

I've never seen creeping panties on men, unless they were given a Melvin. Now, I've seen saggy panties on men where Mr. Hoohaw is dangling with his pals outside instead of in, but never the other way. (This is not including banana holders. (g)

It is too bad, Cheryl. I'm not ready for granny panties (may never be), nor am I young enough to like the floss. Maybe we women need to band together and design our own panties. (g)

Oh, CJ, I've only gone commando when I've inadvertently left them at home when I've gone to swim (or occasionally to bed... for obviously reasons. grin) Commando is jeans is just icky for me. LOL Besides which, I don't have enough pants to do it. I'd be washing them every day after each wear. (g) Maybe I'm just lazy. LOL

Marci

Anonymous said...

Let me place my vote for NO PANTIES. Why trouble yourself with those troublesome issues. You have enough to worry about. I certainly done need you to trouble yourself. jonathon