Monday, 25 June 2012

Bathroom Etiquette


by Olivia Starke

As I’ve mentioned before in past rants, I work in retail. A job that requires nerves of steel, the patience of a saint, and a cast iron stomach.An iron stomach?you wonder in confusion. What could folding T-shirts and straightening cans on shelves have to do with being able to keep breakfast down? One word the BATHROOM.
Kneel before the Porcelain Goddess 

The majority of us (not all, but most) were potty trained by kindergarten at the very least. And basic potty training involves us being able to hit the toilet. Sure, an easy job for us gals, a little trickier for men, but we master it. Until we walk into a public restroom, then all bets are off and it’s a free for all.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there are some men in town who believe touching their penis to aim is a sin against God. After all, they ARE only a few wanks away from masturbation, and I imagine the temptation would be nearly irresistible in a stark bathroom barely bigger than a closet. The result:  pee on the toilet, pee on the walls, pee on the floor.

Maybe we should throw a Cheerio into the toilet, make hitting it a game and distract them from their lascivious thoughts….

And this isn’t relegated to men, I’ve had to clean up after women who’ve accomplished the same feat.
Then there are those in town who fear going number two in their own homes, lest their entire family die from the noxious fumes. Therefore, they come to the store solely to use the bathroom. Mind you, we provide a can of Lysol spray, and the overhead light has a fan installed, both of which they refuse to use. And if we’re really lucky, they leave us a special surprise.
C.H.U.D. II was filmed entirely in our bathroom. Or it could’ve been.

Needless to say, I spray bleach cleaner over the toilet seat and scrub the hell out of it every time I use the bathroom.
I’m particularly impressed with those who believe flushing the toilet will result in a catastrophic vortex of doom.
Ninety percent of all tornadoes are caused by irresponsible flushing….

And don’t get me started on the few times we’ve had to close the bathroom to the public.
There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

The moral of this story is when using a public restroom facility be courteous of others and above all, the poor sad souls who have to clean up after you. If your bathroom habits are akin to an unhousebroken puppy who’s eaten a bowl of laxatives PLEASE DO YOUR BUSINESS AT HOME.

Olivia Starke


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5 comments:

Stephanie said...

I worked in retail for many years, but luckily it was a flower shop and rarely did anyone ask to use our bathroom. But going into Target or Walmart or any other store.....really makes me wonder what kind of manners people were taught...if any at all. Disgusting. What happened to "clean up after yourself?"

Today I was al the gym and someone spilled powder all over one of the exercise mats that I use for stretching. They just left it. It was ten feet away from a table with gym towels and cleaning solution. I just don't get it.

Olivia Starke said...

I always wonder what these folk's homes look like.

Valerie Mann said...

I knew a man who worked for the health department and his job was to inspect restaurants. He told me that you can tell how clean a restaurant's kitchen is by how clean their public restrooms are. When I go in a nasty restaurant bathroom now, I cringe, LOL!

Olivia Starke said...

I've worked in restaurants with decent bathrooms, but questionable kitchens so you never know.

Did you ever see that old school SNL where they turn on the black light and everyone/thing is smeared with glowing fecal matter? That's what I imagine in public facilities.

Jessica Subject said...

I hate bathrooms, period. If I can avoid using a public bathroom, I will, but my kids love to explore new bathrooms when we're out of the house. Urgh!