Bathroom Etiquette

by Olivia Starke

As I’ve mentioned before in past rants, I work in retail. A job that requires nerves of steel, the patience of a saint, and a cast iron stomach.An iron stomach?you wonder in confusion. What could folding T-shirts and straightening cans on shelves have to do with being able to keep breakfast down? One word the BATHROOM.

Kneel before the Porcelain Goddess 

The majority of us (not all, but most) were potty trained by kindergarten at the very least. And basic potty training involves us being able to hit the toilet. Sure, an easy job for us gals, a little trickier for men, but we master it. Until we walk into a public restroom, then all bets are off and it’s a free for all.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are some men in town who believe touching their penis to aim is a sin against God. After all, they ARE only a few wanks away from masturbation, and I imagine the temptation would be nearly irresistible in a stark bathroom barely bigger than a closet. The result:  pee on the toilet, pee on the walls, pee on the floor.

Maybe we should throw a Cheerio into the toilet, make hitting it a game and distract them from their lascivious thoughts….

And this isn’t relegated to men, I’ve had to clean up after women who’ve accomplished the same feat.

Then there are those in town who fear going number two in their own homes, lest their entire family die from the noxious fumes. Therefore, they come to the store solely to use the bathroom. Mind you, we provide a can of Lysol spray, and the overhead light has a fan installed, both of which they refuse to use. And if we’re really lucky, they leave us a special surprise.

C.H.U.D. II was filmed entirely in our bathroom. Or it could’ve been.

Needless to say, I spray bleach cleaner over the toilet seat and scrub the hell out of it every time I use the bathroom.

I’m particularly impressed with those who believe flushing the toilet will result in a catastrophic vortex of doom.

Ninety percent of all tornadoes are caused by irresponsible flushing….

And don’t get me started on the few times we’ve had to close the bathroom to the public.

There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

The moral of this story is when using a public restroom facility be courteous of others and above all, the poor sad souls who have to clean up after you. If your bathroom habits are akin to an unhousebroken puppy who’s eaten a bowl of laxatives PLEASE DO YOUR BUSINESS AT HOME.

Olivia Starke

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