Thursday, 5 April 2012

Part II of An Editor's Erotic Tale of Really Awful Lines and Actions Deserving of a Snarky Blog~

by Evil Editors Kate Richards & Valerie Mann

(continued from yesterday)... 
A frown marred Gabriel's perfectly-chiseled, golden features and lips as he eyed the puddle of arousal in the seat Tatiana’s exotic rear end had just vacated. Her nether folds pressed enticingly against her lacey white panties under her calf-length, straight, faded, long denim skirt. Her desire was evident in the way her eyes kept roaming all over his erection, leaving a trail of eye-slime behind. He tossed his mane of hair over his shoulders.
But he didn’t mind. The bar reminded him of one he went to two millennia before in Jerusalem where this guy came in and told me about a sale on loincloths down at the agora. So Tatiana’s double D’s pressed enticingly against the folds of her erotic skirt and I took her hand in my hand and hand in hand we left the bar.
I’d only come in to ask directions to the nearest church, because in all my three hundred years of immortal life I’d never had a lurid sexual encounter, but I thought why not?
I felt that I realized what I noticed about her nether folds.
He inhaled on a breath. He thought he knew it was time to lose his virginity to Teresa, who gripped his arm and tugged him down the shadowed, anxious street. Nervous fingers smudged his blue T-shirt that clung to his defined chest.
He turned into a hotel.
He walked through the glass door.
Elegant chandeliers led the way to the elevator.
Tatiana grinned. “I never dreamed I’d be spending the night locked in lurid erotic poses with an angel named Gabriel.
“My name is Sam.” He was afraid she would reject him once she knew the true facts about him. Nervous wings fluttered in his back.
“No it’s not.” She licked her lips in anticipation.  Tatiana unbuttoned the top button on her own blouse with cheerful hands. “All angels are named Gabriel except the female ones and I don’t care what they’re named.”
His erection made the decision for him, bursting through a weak spot in his faded jeans to bob enticingly in the cool air. His manhood’s excitement transmitted itself to her and she was happy.
“Wow what a beautiful penis and I particularly am enticed by the amount of pre-cum on the tip, sparkling in the ambient lighting. But, I like all male organs, and compare them whenever possible on a list of features including whether they are shaved, how many veins stick out and what shade of purple their mushroom head is.”
“Okay, I’m Gabriel, then,” he nodded, confused. “But you have to let me tie you to the bedposts and have my way with you.”
“But I thought you said it was your first time?”
“I didn’t, I only told the reader.”
“And isn’t it odd that a virginal angel would tie me to the bedpost on his first time out of the block?”
He frowned, lines creasing his smooth white skin as the jasmine aroma of her arousal rose to his nose. It clashed with his own nutmeg pheromones.
“Yes, but that doesn’t matter.” He grasped her nervous fingers with freaked out hands and tied her to the bedposts of the queen sized bed, covered with shiny, expensive black satin comforter and black lace pillows.
“No, Gabriel,” she shrieked. “I had no idea we were here to have sex. And the condoms are in my pocket. I bought the extra jumbo size to accommodate the massive manhood I knew you'd have.”
He pulled the condoms out of her pocket and ripped the package open with his teeth while he yanked off his jeans and silk boxers. Shoving her skirt to her waist, he grabbed her new lacey white panties and tore them away. He wrung them out over the bed.
“Is all this for me?”
“You know it, handsome. Now come and get me!?”
He frowned, surprised that she could upset him so much with bad punctuation. “I am not sure. I will be condemned forever to the fiery pits if I roll this condom on and have my way with you,” he growled, using his teeth to do so.
“I’m worth it,” she screamed, and reached the peak of excitement, falling into an abyss of glorious orgasm at the very thought.

To be continued....

30 comments:

Jennifer Labelle said...

Thanks for the laugh. :-)

Liz said...

hey, you stole my book...I'm telling. but thanks for the free promo anyways! lol

Kate Richards said...

And we did this sober! If you can believe it lol.

Faith said...

HAHAHAHA!!! That graphic of the purple mushroom is wrong on soooo many levels!

Kate Richards said...

AND they haven't even had sex yet! Despite the heroine's ability to climax for no apparent reason lol

Kerry said...

there are no words. or punctuation...

Valerie Mann said...

I always wonder why there is this compelling need to describe a man's thrusting love sword in such minute detail. It's a functional manroot, a tool of love, a throbbing member. Nothing more and it's not attractive. And comparing it to a venous purple fungi does not help matters. Just sayin'

Anthology Authors said...

Hey, I climax for no apparent reason at least once a day. It's a magical experience, but it doesn't include a golden, white, er tan angel. (What color is he?)

Hahahahahaha

Paula Martin said...

Fantastic - can't wait for the next episode - but give me chance to stop laughing helplessly at this one first!

Valerie Mann said...

Lucky you. Maybe you should write an epilady, er, I mean epilogue, to this tale. With lots of similes for added emphasis. *wink*

Margaret said...

Dying...

VS Morgan said...

Oh, wow! This even tops yesterday's post.

Kate Richards said...

Thanks! We aim to entertain!

Anthology Authors said...

That sounds like a wonderful idea, Valerie. I'm not sure if I will be able to top any of yours, but I am sure I can try. (g)

Nickie Asher said...

That was even better than the first part. And I agree, the purple shroom was just wrong. LOL

LJ Garland said...

"His erection made the decision for him, bursting through a weak spot in his faded jeans to bob enticingly in the cool air. His manhood’s excitement transmitted itself to her and she was happy."

Yes! I can so see this, just so prefectly clearly.

Beautimous, m'dear. And I enjoyed yesterdays episode as well. When is the climax...um, I mean next part coming?

Janice Seagraves said...

I had a good laugh at; he turned into a hotel (really? how disappointing for her), he walked through the glass door (that must have hurt), Elegant chandeliers showed the way (sounds like Disney's Beauty and the Beast).

Reminds me of a joke: two blonds walked into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Janice~

JM said...

Hilarious! Going back through my manuscripts just to make sure I didn't do anything like this. Ha!

Margie Church said...

Eww on the mushroom head. Ugh. Some people really don't think about whether their word choices are romantic. I must have used all of these phrases in my first book. It's in the drawer next to the matches. thanks for making me cringe and laugh at MYSELF!

Shiela Stewart said...

trail of eye-slime ..
Really? LMAO First thing hat comes to mind when I think of eye slime is pink eye. I sooo don't find it sexy or want it my book. Eye slime...Just can't get over that one. LOL

Karenna Colcroft said...

This is awesome! You're going on with it next week, right???

I shall be in a state of shuddery anticipation until then!

Kate Richards said...

Possibly sooner than that... :)

S.A. Garcia said...

What fabulous fun! I see there's a part three? Yeah, baby!

Jennifer James said...

Wringing out her panties..... LOL!

Ann Mayburn said...

Ha! I love the rhapsodizing about veins and purple heads. Sorry men, but it's hard to make your wang sound pretty.

Toni V.S. said...

Getting better and better. And that picture of the mushroom...! Reminds me of a true-life experience...no, it was about a REAL mushroom. Those kind grow wild here in Nebraska, and a friend of mine had half a dozen sprout together in her front yard. One day her four sisters and her mother were visiting and Mom called all the girls onto the porch, "OK, girls," she said,pointing to the mushrooms. "Which one of you buried your old boyfriends in the front yard?"

Can't wait for the rest of your story.

ashlynn monroe said...

Oh I think this would be my favorite book ever written...bad punctuation!? And all!,?!.

Jennifer Probst said...

This was the best post ever! And I know I used so many of them - sorry, Valerie - oops!!!

Rebecca Royce said...

Oh god. you're writing about me....I see my writing all over it. LOL. More please.

Angel said...

I'm speechless except for OMG, lol.