Wednesday, 4 April 2012

~An Editor's Erotic Tale of Really Awful Lines and Actions Deserving of a Snarky Blog~

by Valerie Mann & Kate Richards

Editors see some of the greatest writing—stories that make us swoon, or cry, or laugh. Other times, and especially late at night when we’re tired, punchy and instant messaging a fellow editor also in the midst of edits…well, then we just roll our eyes, make snarky remarks, and tell each other to “write this shit down because it’s too good to forget.”

Info dumping, going off on tangents that have no place being there, purple prose, eyes-hands-heads independently moving, euphemisms, misplaced and dangling modifiers, POV issues, silly metaphors and analogies, overuse of names (see POV issues), perfect bodies that don't exist except on the point zero zero one percent of the population, but run rampant in every romance. And more. Sometimes us editors have to poke fun, or we really will cry, and I don't mean with joy.
Every author makes those silly mistakes that are pointed out in edits and they have that head-slapping reaction like, “I did not really write that, did I?” Other times…well, we just aren’t sure what the hell these authors were thinking, but they were dead serious when they wrote it.

Disclaimer: nothing in this blog represents any author’s work in particular. The hero and heroine’s names have been changed to protect their identities. The plot is completely ridiculous and entirely fabricated.
Well, sort of.

The Tale begins...
The bar was smoky and dark. Tatiana (because she can’t have a normal name like Mary) sat at the bar. Searching for her hot date, Tatiana’s eyes roamed the room. No matter how many times she told them not to roam, or flit, or rake things without permission, the little orbs had a mind of their own. Tatiana sighed, her large, creamy white, D-cup breasts pushing up above the neckline of her low cut, red silk designer dress, the one Tatiana had gotten at Macy’s on clearance. Regretfully, Tatiana remembered how she should have bought the matching purse and shoes, but the mean girl at the cosmetics counter had talked Tatiana out of it. Tatiana shook herself like a wet dog, telling herself, “Self, this is no time for regrets!”

The cute bartender, the one who reminded Tatiana of the guy who’d stolen her virginity in high school, what was his name, something like Hamilton Maxwell the Fourth (because she’d never let a guy with a stupid name like Tom come anywhere near her nether folds), grinned at her. Tatiana told herself to get a grip. Now is not the time to be thinking about Hamilton Maxwell the Fourth! He was so not worth it! I should never even order another drink from Mr. Bartender Who Looks Like Hamilton! And why are my thoughts full of exclamations! Stop it!

Tatiana sighed again with long suffering, until her creamy white breasts nearly popped out of her clearance dress. Her hands fluttered weakly and blushed to the tips of her long, blonde hair! Hamilton the Bartender’s eyes roamed over her luscious globes of desire. Evidently, his eyes don’t behave any better than mine, Tatiana thought with a frown.

As usual, Tatiana’s date, the angel Gabriel (because everyone knows a male angel can’t have a name other than Gabriel unless he's gay, in which case his name was Rafael) was late.

“Hello, my lovely Tatiana.” Warm, steamy breath that smelled like coffee and mint and other odd combinations of scents, caressed her neck. “I’m sorry I’m late. I had to save humanity again on my way here. And I bruised my huge, white lustrous wings.” Nobody in the bar noticed as he folded them neatly behind his back until they disappeared. A whiff of sandalwood wrapped itself around her like the bark on a tree. She hated sandalwood, but everyone knows all hot men smell like it.

Her eyes rolled without permission. “You smell funny.”

He grinned, showing his gorgeous, dazzling, pearly-white teeth. “I know I can't compete with you. You smell even better! I love the eclectic mix of strawberries, cinnamon, fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies that is your natural scent!” He inhaled Tatiana’s intoxicating, personal scent into his aquiline nose, so perfectly proportioned in the middle of his face, with slashing cheekbones on each side and a strong, chiseled jaw accentuating crystal clear blue eyes that could make any human swoon. And maybe even some angels named Rafael!! Gabriel’s broad shoulders, the biggest Tatiana had ever seen, stretched the fabric of his white button-down cotton designer shirt to perfection. Gabriel had gorgeous tanned skin (because what woman would date a pale, scrawny milquetoast) and he filled out his well-worn, sexy jeans so well, his muscled thighs indicating he worked hard, probably had a ranch or something up in heaven, or maybe there was a Gold’s Gym up there because he was buff.

Tatiana’s eyes traveled to his groin area (and this time, she let her eyes have their way) to the enormous, raging manhood pressing earnestly against the fly. She had no idea how that zipper was taming such a thick rod of desire. Her mouth watered. Tatiana decided right then that she was going to let Gabriel have his heavenly way with her that very night! She soaked her panties just thinking about him thrusting and plunging in her slick nether regions as she clenched his hot member with her inner muscles. She just knew she'd have multiple orgasms! She got even wetter down there just thinking about it.

“Let’s get out of here!” Tatiana exclaimed and clutched his arm with manicured fingers, the thick, ropy muscles prominent under the white cotton broadcloth shirt he wore. Tatiana slid off the bar stool, onto her expensive, Fuck Me stilettos, the same shoes that stupid girl at Macy's hadn't talked her out of. Tatiana flipped her pretty hair over one shoulder and smiled invitingly.

A frown marred Gabriel’s perfect, chiseled features as he pointed with one long, masculine finger at the seat Tatiana had just vacated. “Why is your chair all wet?

She blushed to the tips of her long flowing blonde hair, the red flush creeping down prettily to cover her chest in a rosy glow, just above her creamy white double D breasts. “I’m so aroused by you. I’ve been soaking the expensive lacy panties I'd been saving for this occasion since you walked in. Oh! There I go again!”

To be continued... here...

30 comments:

Anthology Authors said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

This is hilarious!

Celina Summers said...

Wait a second--where did YOU get the manuscript I am currently editing????

Just kidding. If you need any more inspiration for this story, just let me know. I have a few sentient body part lines to die for.

Valerie Mann said...

I just had to go look up 'sentient'

Kate Richards said...

What's horrible is the only one that's a direct quote is one in part two...that was my own! I found it in a manuscript I was working on last year and laughed my beeeeehind off at ME

Anthology Authors said...

I like it when I see something like:

His eyes traveled the length of her body.

or

His eyes caressed her lips. O.O

I don't know about you, but I don't want eyes caressing my lips. Ew!

Valerie Mann said...

I had a neck thrashing with grief in a manuscript recently. But yeah, those eyes wandering over bodies and heads roaming around rooms...they make even the most staid story a paranormal, LOL

Jessica Subject said...

Umm...making notes. LOL

Hales said...

Giggles omg that was hilarious. Enormous manhood huh.

I want to read more needed a funny laugh. I had to look up sentinent too!

Cassandra Dean said...

Teehee, that's awesome! :D

Diane Dooley said...

Funny stuff! Glad you're all having fun with your work.

D L Jackson said...

Snickers.
What? He didn't lick her with his tongue? Oh wait, that's part II. Sorry my bad. I was really getting into this.
And wait. Where are the pretty man parts? He has to have those right, cause all heroes have pretty tackle. Right?
I know how much Kate likes the pretty man parts. Don't you, Kate?
OMG--this looks like my first story. I must dig it out and dust it off. Has to be good for a couple of laughs.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom, ladies.

ashlynn monroe said...

OMG! You must be telepatically editing my current WIP lol! This is so funny. I know I've learned how not to write like this now, but... ;)

Samantha Gail said...

Damn! Guess I'll throw that chapter out and start over:) LOL!

Maeve said...

OMG! *snort*

Fierce Dolan said...

It hurts. Make it stop.

Faith said...

Val, this reminds me a lot of the fun I poke in the AWH books. The stuff I've seen over the past 15 years of editing still makes me shake my head. Another thing that will set me off to cackling is unintentional alliteration that is hilarious.

Her big brown bouncing boobs...

What's funny, too, is that I think the brain latches on to these errors and won't let go. Even experienced authors and editors have such things creep into their prose, but thank God it doesn't happen often, lmao!

Jennifer James said...

I almost feel bad for you. Almost.

LOL. I'm snickering here in the atrium of the library and people are staring but I don't care.

You guys are hilarious. Can't wait for part 2.

Kate Richards said...

Part two is up because as we tell all the authors, everyone wants to hear the hero's POV!
http://fourstrongwomen.blogspot.com/2012/04/part-ii-of-editors-erotic-tale-of.html

Nickie Asher said...

Too freakin funny. I hate it when body parts escape and take off on their own.

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

ROFL! Good. Very good! *NOT!*

Thanks for the laugh. ;)I'm so rusty I may make all these mistakes in my next story. lol.

Toni V.S. said...

Love it, love it, love it! Epecially when you brought in the angel! Does anyone actually know there are others angels besides Gabriel and Rafael? I do, but I'm not telling. Is there really going to be a Part 2? Can't wait!

Kate Richards said...

Just go to the home page and you can find Part 2, but there's even going to be a Part 3! If you all can stand it lol

Anthology Authors said...

I do, Sue, but I'm not telling either.

Janice Seagraves said...

I got napped by my editor in my first edit about floating eyes, so I don't do it anymore.

However, I keep finding floating eye balls and other body parts in some of the critiques I do for my critique group. One lady's pages were full of her arm reached over and did this and her eyes saw that. *Shiver*

Margie Church said...

make sure you send this to publisher - a big one. If 50 shades of bullshit can make it - and it's almost this bad - you got it made sweethearts.

Karenna Colcroft said...

OMG... I needed this today! LOL

S.A. Garcia said...

The horror of the roaming, caressing eyes! Kate Atkinson's novel Emotionally Weird has an English professor who makes a snarky comment every time someone lets the eyes roam or caress or wander. Hilarious.

This is great. Thanks for the snickers!

anny cook said...

Ah...Kate. I'm so glad you were my editor... :-)

Kate Richards said...

Anny don't miss parts two and three, it gets sooo much worse lol.

Anya Khan said...

Sandlewood, Gabriel, bartender, all were hilarious. Bless y'all for this