~An Editor's Erotic Tale of Really Awful Lines and Actions Deserving of a Snarky Blog~

by Valerie Mann & Kate Richards

Editors see some of the greatest writing—stories that make us swoon, or cry, or laugh. Other times, and especially late at night when we’re tired, punchy and instant messaging a fellow editor also in the midst of edits…well, then we just roll our eyes, make snarky remarks, and tell each other to “write this shit down because it’s too good to forget.”

Info dumping, going off on tangents that have no place being there, purple prose, eyes-hands-heads independently moving, euphemisms, misplaced and dangling modifiers, POV issues, silly metaphors and analogies, overuse of names (see POV issues), perfect bodies that don't exist except on the point zero zero one percent of the population, but run rampant in every romance. And more. Sometimes us editors have to poke fun, or we really will cry, and I don't mean with joy.

Every author makes those silly mistakes that are pointed out in edits and they have that head-slapping reaction like, “I did not really write that, did I?” Other times…well, we just aren’t sure what the hell these authors were thinking, but they were dead serious when they wrote it.

Disclaimer: nothing in this blog represents any author’s work in particular. The hero and heroine’s names have been changed to protect their identities. The plot is completely ridiculous and entirely fabricated.

Well, sort of.

The Tale begins...

The bar was smoky and dark. Tatiana (because she can’t have a normal name like Mary) sat at the bar. Searching for her hot date, Tatiana’s eyes roamed the room. No matter how many times she told them not to roam, or flit, or rake things without permission, the little orbs had a mind of their own. Tatiana sighed, her large, creamy white, D-cup breasts pushing up above the neckline of her low cut, red silk designer dress, the one Tatiana had gotten at Macy’s on clearance. Regretfully, Tatiana remembered how she should have bought the matching purse and shoes, but the mean girl at the cosmetics counter had talked Tatiana out of it. Tatiana shook herself like a wet dog, telling herself, “Self, this is no time for regrets!”

The cute bartender, the one who reminded Tatiana of the guy who’d stolen her virginity in high school, what was his name, something like Hamilton Maxwell the Fourth (because she’d never let a guy with a stupid name like Tom come anywhere near her nether folds), grinned at her. Tatiana told herself to get a grip. Now is not the time to be thinking about Hamilton Maxwell the Fourth! He was so not worth it! I should never even order another drink from Mr. Bartender Who Looks Like Hamilton! And why are my thoughts full of exclamations! Stop it!

Tatiana sighed again with long suffering, until her creamy white breasts nearly popped out of her clearance dress. Her hands fluttered weakly and blushed to the tips of her long, blonde hair! Hamilton the Bartender’s eyes roamed over her luscious globes of desire. Evidently, his eyes don’t behave any better than mine, Tatiana thought with a frown.

As usual, Tatiana’s date, the angel Gabriel (because everyone knows a male angel can’t have a name other than Gabriel unless he's gay, in which case his name was Rafael) was late.

“Hello, my lovely Tatiana.” Warm, steamy breath that smelled like coffee and mint and other odd combinations of scents, caressed her neck. “I’m sorry I’m late. I had to save humanity again on my way here. And I bruised my huge, white lustrous wings.” Nobody in the bar noticed as he folded them neatly behind his back until they disappeared. A whiff of sandalwood wrapped itself around her like the bark on a tree. She hated sandalwood, but everyone knows all hot men smell like it.

Her eyes rolled without permission. “You smell funny.”

He grinned, showing his gorgeous, dazzling, pearly-white teeth. “I know I can't compete with you. You smell even better! I love the eclectic mix of strawberries, cinnamon, fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies that is your natural scent!” He inhaled Tatiana’s intoxicating, personal scent into his aquiline nose, so perfectly proportioned in the middle of his face, with slashing cheekbones on each side and a strong, chiseled jaw accentuating crystal clear blue eyes that could make any human swoon. And maybe even some angels named Rafael!! Gabriel’s broad shoulders, the biggest Tatiana had ever seen, stretched the fabric of his white button-down cotton designer shirt to perfection. Gabriel had gorgeous tanned skin (because what woman would date a pale, scrawny milquetoast) and he filled out his well-worn, sexy jeans so well, his muscled thighs indicating he worked hard, probably had a ranch or something up in heaven, or maybe there was a Gold’s Gym up there because he was buff.

Tatiana’s eyes traveled to his groin area (and this time, she let her eyes have their way) to the enormous, raging manhood pressing earnestly against the fly. She had no idea how that zipper was taming such a thick rod of desire. Her mouth watered. Tatiana decided right then that she was going to let Gabriel have his heavenly way with her that very night! She soaked her panties just thinking about him thrusting and plunging in her slick nether regions as she clenched his hot member with her inner muscles. She just knew she'd have multiple orgasms! She got even wetter down there just thinking about it.

“Let’s get out of here!” Tatiana exclaimed and clutched his arm with manicured fingers, the thick, ropy muscles prominent under the white cotton broadcloth shirt he wore. Tatiana slid off the bar stool, onto her expensive, Fuck Me stilettos, the same shoes that stupid girl at Macy's hadn't talked her out of. Tatiana flipped her pretty hair over one shoulder and smiled invitingly.

A frown marred Gabriel’s perfect, chiseled features as he pointed with one long, masculine finger at the seat Tatiana had just vacated. “Why is your chair all wet?

She blushed to the tips of her long flowing blonde hair, the red flush creeping down prettily to cover her chest in a rosy glow, just above her creamy white double D breasts. “I’m so aroused by you. I’ve been soaking the expensive lacy panties I'd been saving for this occasion since you walked in. Oh! There I go again!”

To be continued... here...