Monday, 13 December 2010

Sex that Makes You Go, Bwahahaha!

sexy and funny stuff Pictures, Images and Photos

As one of my dear friends is prone to saying when I get on a role, "Faith, you are so bad!" I'm dedicating this blog post to her to make her laugh so she'll feel better. Trin, honey, we've both been down similar roads. Things will get better, hon.

Okay, 4SW Groupies, onward to sex that makes you go, bwahahaha! LOL!

One thing that makes me groan in disbelief is some of the unrealistic sex scenes I’ve read in romance books. Years ago, my mother passed a romance novel to me that had me laughing my ass off. It’s been too long to recall the title or author, but what made me laugh so hard was the hero scooping the heroine up onto his horse and making love to her as it galloped around a paddock.

Now, bear in mind that although the positions wouldn’t be that comfortable it is possible, but (big but so what? Dunno why I put that in there, but it’s something my kids have always said) the reason I cracked up laughing was due to two things. A) the author forgot that the woman wore layers of clothing and that the man had on breeches. Somehow, during the bee-bopping going on between hunky He-Man and La-La-Lovely Lady, their clothes suddenly poofed into the ether. And B) the guy was riding bareback--no, not THAT kind of bareback! The horse had no saddle. Sheesh!--so that in itself would make the sex scene virtually impossible. Anyone who has ever ridden a horse without a saddle can verify that it’s quite a feat to hang on and you really have to use the leg muscles to do so.

Besides, imagine doing it on a galloping horse! All together now… “OUCH!”

I’ve written sex scenes such as sex on an idling motorcycle, on a washing machine as it’s washing, a candy cane used as a dildo as she’s on the subway and even one where the hero bangs the girl so hard he scoots her across the living room carpet and she ends up with carpet burn on her ass.

That’s the key to writing a good sex scene: make it real.

Sex isn’t perfect. Sex can be painful.

“Oh! Oh! Oh!” she screamed.

“Yeah, baby,” he replied. “Is it as good for you as it is for me?”

“No!” she yelled louder. “You’re on my damn hair!”

Ever have something come down off a headboard and hit you? I have. It was a flashlight, and I had the black eye for over a week!

WHAP! “Oh, wow. Look at the pretty stars!”

Sex scenes in romantic fiction needs to be romantic, but make it real. And not every man’s pecker is the size of a battering ram. Seriously, if I saw something like that twitching and bobbing around as it came toward me, I’d scream, “Back! Back to the depths of Hell from which thou camest!” And then I’d toss holy water at it and brandish a bottle of saltpeter in a menacing manner.

Sheesh, who the hell has room in their box for a schlong that’s sixteen inches long? Don’t answer that!!!

And for the men who are like that, they’re few and far between. Most are normal-sized guys or slightly bigger, and yeah, as much as we all hate to talk about it, there are the ones who smack theirs around and plead with it to grow up asap.

Sex can be hilarious.

Seriously, we’re all human (well, unless you’re the dude with the sixteen-inch schlong), and we all have bodily functions that cannot always be controlled.

“Oh! Oh! Yeah, baby. Give me more. Harder.” Moan, moan, whimper, moan. “That’s it! Yeah! Yeah…!”


“What the hell?”

“Uhm, sorry, honey.”

“Air! I need air! I don’t give a rat’s ass if it is only two degrees outside, open the effing window!”

And if you have candles lit for your special rendezvous and one of you chooses that inopportune time to have a foghorn boom from your ass, make sure you have a fire extinguisher nearby. The resulting backlash of flames can run into some expensive medical bills.

Or worse, you’re going at it and hear something that sounds like a goose being strangled. What can I say? I have a warped sense of humor.

How about a partner whose breath could strip the varnish right off the coffee table and he or she keeps trying to lay one on you? What do you do? Hand over a Tic Tac? Or maybe politely ask that they go brush their teeth? I vote for pulling the blanket over his head (or her if it’s reversed) and subjecting him to some of his toxic, green haze too.

When I write romance, I incorporate those special sexual moments that every woman or man dreams about, but I also try to keep it real. And yes, I tend to throw in humor, but I refrain from writing farts during sex—so don’t worry.

How about you? Do you hate to read sex scenes that aren’t really believable or do you throw your beliefs to the wind (Prrrfffttt!) and enjoy the improbability of unrealistic sex?


anny cook said...

Hehheheheheh. Love it. Yep, I always laughed at those bareback riding scenes.

Scenes in the back car seat always give me a snicker, too. Not that they can't be done, but hey! Back when we're in our teens, maybe. Once you get a little older you don't bend the way you used to.

And those scenes on the beach? Ouch...

Thanks for the smiles!

trinity said...

Okay you are so right about that. God I love it and laughed thank you!
But the horse thing I read a story that had this in it, but it was done great! If it is done right it can happen um well fantasy here. Ha I'll never see it happen, but boy would I have fun!

Tess MacKall said...

I did a sex scene on a horse...ohhhh it was hot...but it wasn't actual penetration...just playing with...

Anyway, I remembered to put them on the horse naked in the first place. lol And I let the horse walk too. It was pretty cool, actually.

Hey, I'm worried about that candy cane. Was it one of those little skinny ones or one of the bigger ones? Hee hee hee

Never had painful sex before---well, the first time doesn't count, does it? But I've had sex that wasn't worth a damn.

Faith said...

I've been to the ocean several times, Anny, and as much sand that ends up in very...uhm...interesting places, I can't imagine trying to get it out of there after sex. Yikes!

Trin, I'm glad you got a good laugh.

Hey, Tess! My thought when I come across sex scenes on horseback is "What if they get bucked off?" HAHAHAHA!!!

Darla M Sands said...

I like to keep it real, too, if maybe not too real. :)

Nickie Asher said...

OMG Sex on horseback...think of the places you'd get horsehair. If you've ever ridden a horse nekked, you know, like on a dare or something, LOL, you would know about that. And yes, you need your legs to stay on the beast.

Faith said...

Darla, glad to hear it!

Nickie, I often wondered that about Lady Godiva, lol.

Molly Daniels said...

I kept it real in my latest release, when the 'back door' was attempted, hee hee....afterward, she says what's on her mind, and it's NOT, 'Oh baby, that felt wonderful!'

Faith said...

LOLOL, Molly!

Anthology Authors said...

I haven't had the misfortune of reading one of those scenes. (g) I am sure I would be laughing if I did.

Well, have you ever had to fart when they are, um, face first? Yeah, not the best of times. HAHAHAHAHA

I always wonder how the man, who is almost always 6-8" taller than the heroine, gets his mouth around her nipple while pumping. He must be some contortionist! (g)

Sarah Masters said...

Oh my LORD! That horse scene sounds painful as hell! I just kept wincing while reading, imagining how much it hurt.


Faith said...

LOL Marci and Sarah!

Margie Church said...

LOL I think the worst for me was the day my mom leaned over, pointed to a passage and asked, "Do people really do this stuff?" Fun post. Thx for the giggle.

Cassie Exline said...

A horse! That's hilarious. My imagination has never stretched that far.

Faith said...

Margie, my mother reads my work and her main question is: why does the sex have to be described in such detail? Do people not have imaginations anymore?

Hi Cassie. I tend to agree with you. The thought of sex on horseback seems painful to me. To each their own, I guess, lol.

JC Coy said...

It would be hilarious to write a sex scene on a horse and have them fall off.

Sorry about the name switch, lol. I have too many pen names. Half the time I don't know who I am any more. LOL

Faith said...

ROFL! I had to scan the pics to figure out who was posting!

Well, if you ever write a sex scene like that, make sure they fall in water so they have a softer landing, lol.

Janice said...

Hmm, seems like I remember a certain story of yours, Faith, that had a couple doing it on horse back. Of course the horse wasn't galloping around and the couple had clothes they had to wrestle with.


gaeDarkwriter said...

I like to think of myself as a serious erotic writer of paranormal romance. But I have read books through the years that would put the karma sutra out of business in positions. Impossible dickbreaking cunt ripping positions that no human let alone a vampire or werewolf could ever complete. Who thinks this stuff up anyway. If the sex isn't believeable the story is more humour than sensitizing or stimulating. You need to grip your reader into the scene like it was happening to them.Not his cock was so big he could tie it in knots and still make it wave at you or the pussy that was so large all you could do was fistfuck her to get her off, this is sick porn not erotic writing. Humour is good in erotica, but only if you have the talent to pull it off

Faith said...

Me? Write a story of a couple doing it on horseback? Nope. Not me. On a Harley while it was running, but not a horse.

Then again one might've slipped my mind. I've written so many darn stories I lose track, lol.

Jog my memory.

Fiona said...

My biggest pet peeve? The heroine is a virgin, and for her very first time the man is so skilled he has her screaming in pleasure (not pain) within minutes, and then he tells her she's the best he's ever had. Puh-leeze! Can we have a dash of reality with that fantasy? Then there is the issue you mentioned of my experience, a man with a normal sized tool works harder to please. A man with a giant schlong expects you to have a big O just looking at the size of it! And then he acts as if it's normal sized, forgetting that as men are of variable size, so are women. Some of us are not built to handle that whopper! I once read a paranormal where the vampire's rampant rod was described as being the size of her arm from her fist to her elbow...and the first thing they did was explore her anal region! Eww and eww again! After I stopped laughing I put the book down. I find believing in vampires being sexy, what with their "cock-sicles", hard enough to accept, without adding other incredulous details that skip right over sexy to major "ick"!

Faith said...

gaeDarkwriter, you're right. The first story I ever read about fisting really wigged me out. And the hero had 3-inch talons on his hand too. It made me wanna cross my legs!

Faith said...

Fiona, your comment had me giggling, but the following made me crack up!

"I find believing in vampires being sexy, what with their "cock-sicles", hard enough to accept,"

JC Coy said...

That's why my vampires have normal sized, warm "cock-sicles" LOL.

Melissa Bradley said...

ROTFLOL...Now that I've caught my breath from laughing at this hilarious post and all the great comments.

I read a story where the hero and heroine go at it in the hold of a Dutch ship complete with animals, bilge water and other assorted nastiness. And this one...The tornado is coming toward them, they rush into the cellar and have mind-blowing sex as the twister passes right over them. Hell to the no.

I believe in trying to keep a healthy mix of reality and fantasy in my erotica.

Anthology Authors said...

Oh, I just remembered one that drives me nuts. The hero, or heroine, has just been injured. You know, a very painful injury, but despite the broken leg/rib/arm/bullet wound (and no painkiller because it's a historical), within a few hours, and sometimes a few minutes, the injury is forgotten, and he/she is ready to have mind blowing sex with their "one true love." While I've never had a broken bone or bullet wound, I did recently have a fractured rib. I didn't take any painkillers. Yeah, I didn't want anyone to touch me for a good week or two. I can't imagine what a broken bone would be like.

Faith said...

Melissa, all I have to say to your "Hell to the no." is HAHAHAHA!!! Too damn funny! I am, however, thrilled you got a good laugh from this post.

Marci, I just edited a story that had something similar in it. I see the injury and then sex scene a lot for some reason. It makes me wonder if people have any common sense or if they just get wrapped up in writing sex, lol.

Anonymous said...

OMG - Faith - LOL - it's those special effects you got going on there - green haze (I loved it), maybe because you're right - you make it real...and it can be knock your socks off funny.

Anonymous said... have no idea. The sex scenes I've edited...the sex scenes I've insisted the writer remove, or reblock (because people don't bend THAT way).
I wish I could tell you about them, but that would be unprofessional. (Damn.)

Let me just say--as an equestrian of sorts--sex+horseback=ouch x impossible.

Speaking of ouch--Do you think it would be considered gross to make the hero like a real man, who farts and then holds his partner's head under the covers until she screams?

Loved the post. Thanks for the laughs!

Faith said...

Morning, Kay Dee. I'm happy you got such a good giggle from the post!

Veronica, I dunno if it would work for romance per se, but I could see it in mainstream fiction. Then again, I'd be one to try writing it in romance any way and see what happens, lolol. Btw, we call that giving someone the dutch oven.

Anonymous said...

Faith, great post. Had me laughing, and the comments are spot on!

Now the question is....will the giant dong go the way of the fluttering virgin in romance? I have heard this lament a few times, but not seen a Mr. Tiny or even many Mr. Averages.

My bestie is short, 5'1", and she had a guy with a biggie once. She said that, even though she really liked him as a person, she knew she couldn't handle sex being somewhat painful for the rest of her life, so she broke up with him. How many times do you see THAT happen in romance? lol

Faith said...

Haha! OMG, too funny!

Kissa Starling said...

Hilarious! I love it. Sex can be painful, especially if the two are new partners!!! I have a sex scene with a candy cane too. How cool.

Robyn M Speed said...

And I quote:
"Yeah, baby,” he replied. “Is it as good for you as it is for me?”

“No!” she yelled louder. “You’re on my damn hair!”

Funnnnyyyyy!! They're either ON your hair, of pulling away becuase they've got your long hair in their mouth and are trying to spit it out.

THANK YOU for the laughs!