Sex that Makes You Go, Bwahahaha!

As one of my dear friends is prone to saying when I get on a role, "Faith, you are so bad!" I'm dedicating this blog post to her to make her laugh so she'll feel better. Trin, honey, we've both been down similar roads. Things will get better, hon.

Okay, 4SW Groupies, onward to sex that makes you go, bwahahaha! LOL!

One thing that makes me groan in disbelief is some of the unrealistic sex scenes I’ve read in romance books. Years ago, my mother passed a romance novel to me that had me laughing my ass off. It’s been too long to recall the title or author, but what made me laugh so hard was the hero scooping the heroine up onto his horse and making love to her as it galloped around a paddock.

Now, bear in mind that although the positions wouldn’t be that comfortable it is possible, but (big but so what? Dunno why I put that in there, but it’s something my kids have always said) the reason I cracked up laughing was due to two things. A) the author forgot that the woman wore layers of clothing and that the man had on breeches. Somehow, during the bee-bopping going on between hunky He-Man and La-La-Lovely Lady, their clothes suddenly poofed into the ether. And B) the guy was riding bareback--no, not THAT kind of bareback! The horse had no saddle. Sheesh!--so that in itself would make the sex scene virtually impossible. Anyone who has ever ridden a horse without a saddle can verify that it’s quite a feat to hang on and you really have to use the leg muscles to do so.

Besides, imagine doing it on a galloping horse! All together now… “OUCH!”

I’ve written sex scenes such as sex on an idling motorcycle, on a washing machine as it’s washing, a candy cane used as a dildo as she’s on the subway and even one where the hero bangs the girl so hard he scoots her across the living room carpet and she ends up with carpet burn on her ass.

That’s the key to writing a good sex scene: make it real.

Sex isn’t perfect. Sex can be painful.

“Oh! Oh! Oh!” she screamed.

“Yeah, baby,” he replied. “Is it as good for you as it is for me?”

“No!” she yelled louder. “You’re on my damn hair!”

Ever have something come down off a headboard and hit you? I have. It was a flashlight, and I had the black eye for over a week!

WHAP! “Oh, wow. Look at the pretty stars!”

Sex scenes in romantic fiction needs to be romantic, but make it real. And not every man’s pecker is the size of a battering ram. Seriously, if I saw something like that twitching and bobbing around as it came toward me, I’d scream, “Back! Back to the depths of Hell from which thou camest!” And then I’d toss holy water at it and brandish a bottle of saltpeter in a menacing manner.

Sheesh, who the hell has room in their box for a schlong that’s sixteen inches long? Don’t answer that!!!

And for the men who are like that, they’re few and far between. Most are normal-sized guys or slightly bigger, and yeah, as much as we all hate to talk about it, there are the ones who smack theirs around and plead with it to grow up asap.

Sex can be hilarious.

Seriously, we’re all human (well, unless you’re the dude with the sixteen-inch schlong), and we all have bodily functions that cannot always be controlled.

“Oh! Oh! Yeah, baby. Give me more. Harder.” Moan, moan, whimper, moan. “That’s it! Yeah! Yeah…!”

Prrrfffffttt!

“What the hell?”

“Uhm, sorry, honey.”

“Air! I need air! I don’t give a rat’s ass if it is only two degrees outside, open the effing window!”

And if you have candles lit for your special rendezvous and one of you chooses that inopportune time to have a foghorn boom from your ass, make sure you have a fire extinguisher nearby. The resulting backlash of flames can run into some expensive medical bills.

Or worse, you’re going at it and hear something that sounds like a goose being strangled. What can I say? I have a warped sense of humor.

How about a partner whose breath could strip the varnish right off the coffee table and he or she keeps trying to lay one on you? What do you do? Hand over a Tic Tac? Or maybe politely ask that they go brush their teeth? I vote for pulling the blanket over his head (or her if it’s reversed) and subjecting him to some of his toxic, green haze too.

When I write romance, I incorporate those special sexual moments that every woman or man dreams about, but I also try to keep it real. And yes, I tend to throw in humor, but I refrain from writing farts during sex—so don’t worry.

How about you? Do you hate to read sex scenes that aren’t really believable or do you throw your beliefs to the wind (Prrrfffttt!) and enjoy the improbability of unrealistic sex?