Wednesday, 15 December 2010

The Empty Toilet Roll Issue





Dear Empty Toilet Roll,

Much as I understand and appreciate your existence, the need for you to be around, once you can be seen, I do not wish to see you. I don’t mind seeing your grey circular end when you’re tightly wrapped in toilet paper, because then you have a purpose. Then you belong in my bathroom. However, when I can see the whole of your cardboard, cylindrical, hateful piggish body, my immense hatred for you kicks in.

When you’re naked, showing yourself in all your need-to-be-in-the-bin glory, I want to take you in my hands and squeeze you so hard you become a crumpled shadow of your former self. The rage inside me is so bad that I’ve even envisaged murdering you. Yes, many a time I’ve let the scenario run through my mind, where I sneak up on you, lift you gently from wherever your unwanted arse is at the time, and rip you to effing shreds.

I do not wish to see you sitting smugly on my toilet roll holder. I do not wish to see you on top of the cistern. I do not wish to see you lounging—yes, lounging, you lazy shit!—on my bathroom floor. And I particularly do not want to see you on my windowsill. Let me tell you this, and listen to me well: You do not belong in my house when you’re in the buff.

You belong in the bin. If you’re unsure where that is, it’s beside the toilet. Inside the bin is a yellow, lemon-scented bin bag, and you’ll be most welcomed by the empty toothpaste box, the old slither of dried up soap, and the empty shower gel bottles. They will become your friends, and once the bin is full, you will be transported off to find many other such friends, where you will live happily ever after.

Please be aware that next time I see you without your clothes on, you’d better roll away pretty damn fast, because if you don’t, I’m going to self-combust and rage through the house until I find out just WHO ISN’T PUTTING YOU IN THE EFFING BIN!

Yours hatefully,

Sarah Masters

23 comments:

C. Zampa said...

Oh, is it healthy to laugh SO damn hard this early in the morning? Your bare toilet roll's evil twin resides in MY bathroom. He will hopefully take heed, reading your ode to YOUR empty roll!

How hilarious! I laughed SO hard!

Sarah Masters said...

Ohhhh, CZ, I hate the little effers. Really do. I'm avoiding cleaning the bathroom right this minute because I know I will have to commit that murder.

:o)

Anny Cook said...

ORRRRR... just an idea... you could have a chat with the person who used the last of the toilet paper without replacing it!

Heh. And those empty toilet rolls? They're wonderful if you happen to have a hamster or gerbil. Or need to make a rocket. Or if your little one needs a "pretend" spyglass...

Melissa Bradley said...

ROTFLOL!! The little shit is my bathroom all the time. I think he and the male residents here have a bond or something

Sarah Masters said...

Yeah, they're good for some things, Anny. Thing is, my house is so full of people I never know who left the roll out. And if I ask, all I get is: Wasn't me!

WELL IT BLOODY WASN'T ME EITHER!

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

You know, Melissa, you're right. Men and toilet rolls just can't be seperated. I wonder if they go into mourning when they see we've put the little shits in the bin?

:o)

Anthology Authors said...

Oh, no, Sarah, what I hate is a toilet roll with maybe two squares left on it. Whoever last used the toilet left just enough for them to not feel guilty about it. Except you can't wipe with two squares, at least not without getting your fingers wet/dirty. You can't even do it successfully with four squares, but don't tell that to the bugger who left it that way. Could be the daughter. Could be the husband. Inevitably I am the one to change the roll...even if I put an extra roll on the back of the toilet because the current one is low. Do you know where it stays? Does it migrate to where it belongs once the other roll is done? No. Oh, no. It can't. The naked roll stays and the full one is just opened and left on the back of the toilet...until I put it where it belongs.

The same thing happens with the shower soap.

Sarah Masters said...

Same here, Marci. We need to scream loudly about this. It's a terrible thing, to be sure.

I'd forgotten about those pesky two squares. Little gits!

:o)

Brindle Chase said...

*lmfao* ... wow!

Hehehe... I feel better though, because at my house, its the opposite. My wife and oldest daughter are the culprits. I take them and put them in the recycling.

Sarah Masters said...

Really, Brindle? Gawd, I've never known a woman yet who doesn't get pissed off about that toilet roll issue.

:o)

Lusha Lovelace said...

If I died, the members of my household would be swimming in these little buggers, since I seem to be the only one capable of removing the old roll, throwing it away and putting a nice fresh roll in its place.

Do they sell insurance for death by drowning in empty roll holders?

Faith said...

Sarah, although the empty toilet roll is a huge beef (and I laughed throughout your post), I will raise you an empty wipes box and say, "Ha! Beat that!

Nothing like doing your business or being a gal who's on her cycle to reach over for the wipes box and ta-da! Find the damn thing empty AGAIN!

I'm always screaming through the bathroom door, "Dammit, the wipes are gone again! Who used the last one and didn't put a refill pack in the box?"

And then I hear a chorus of "Not me!"

Yeah, that really burns my biscuits!

HeWhoMustObey said...

Seems like a cry for help! :)

Cassie Exline said...

Hilarious post and I'm with you. It does no good for me to ignore the nasty empty paper rolls and let them multiply, no one seems to care except me.

Anthology Authors said...

Screaming only injures the throat, Sarah. The best thing to do is run into the bathroom before they do and remove all of the TP and refuse to give it back until they pinkie vow never to do it to you again. (g)

Yeah, it won't work, but it's nice to dream about them having to drip dry. (evil laugh)

Sarah Masters said...

LMAO Lusha! Same here.

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

Ok, Faith, I'm with you on the wipes, but at least you have a wet wipes box. I still haven't bought one since the last time I complained online about how THEY NEVER CLOSE THE TAB, SO THE WET WIPES ARE NO LONGER WET!

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

HeWhoMustObey...oh, I think it is!

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

Cassie, it's time to get tough.

MURDER THEM!

:o)

Sarah Masters said...

HAHAHAHA, Marci. Drip dry.

You are truly evil! (But I like it.)

:o)

Tess MacKall said...

Looks like someone has issues with others using up the TP. Same here. It's always empty. And for some reason, when it's empty it's the last roll that was empty too. And I guy that stuff by the truckloads too.

Sarah Masters said...

Yep, we're always running out. Amazing how quickly it goes. I don't think they're made as well as they used to be. I swear a roll lasted longer years ago.

:o)

Faith said...

I buy Dollar General's and Scott's Brand tp. It's like the kind you usually find in a public restroom. Yeah, it's thinner and you have to use more, but for some reason despite being thin tp, it lasts ten times longer than Charmin or any of the super thick brands do.

My girls grouse about it, but when I can put a roll of Charmin on the dispenser in the morn and it's empty by late afternoon, but put a roll of the DG or Scott's on and it lasts four days, I'm going with the generic tp to save money.

As for the wipes, I have a motto regarding that: touch the wipes and die!

But they still don't listen.