I’ve heard about people doing the dirty dance in hallways, the backseats of cars and the bed of pickups. There’s countless stories about the bathroom of jets for those who joined the Mile-High Club. I’ve heard about couples shagging in the surf or in their parents’ bed–another EEW!—and there are many tales about boinking on the hood of a car or in haylofts.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer a soft bed. Here’s why…
Hayloft – poked in the ass with hay, allergies go rampant, and there are rodents and bees/wasps in the barn. If you have ample booty, the last thing you want is to be stung and have more swelling.
Hood of car – that car better be parked in the shade because I’m not frying my buns for anyone. And digging a spatula out of your purse is not very romantic.
Parents’ bed – Seriously? Again, eew!
The bathroom in a jet – no discussion there because it would take a fifth of Jack and a Valium to get me on board anything that flies higher than a piñata.
In a lake – not gonna happen because I’m more concerned about what’s in the water that I can’t see. Seriously, vagina dentata is nothing in comparison to finding a snapping turtle on the end of his pecker.
In the ocean surf – honestly, what woman wants sand stuck in her hoo haw? It's bad enough when you spend the day on the beach to relax let along having it stuffed up there. Finding sand in your panties three weeks later is mortifying. And with my luck, I’d roll over on a jellyfish or stare eye to eye with a very hungry Orca or shark.
Consider Olivia of Making Love in the Rain. She can't help herself when she meets Ben. Love can make us do some crazy things we wouldn't ordinarily do, but when she gets caught scratching an itchin the elevator with Ben, the repercussions are surprising.
Nope, safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you consider what’s out there beyond the bedroom.
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