Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Safe Sex isn’t Always about Condoms


 I’ll never forget when I was about eighteen and I swam out into the area of the lake where the li’l kids couldn’t reach. I passed a couple in their early twenties who were doing the deed. It disgusted me and disturbed me. Eew! It’s bad enough when people whiz in the water but sex?

I’ve heard about people doing the dirty dance in hallways, the backseats of cars and the bed of pickups. There’s countless stories about the bathroom of jets for those who joined the Mile-High Club. I’ve heard about couples shagging in the surf or in their parents’ bed–another EEW!—and there are many tales about boinking on the hood of a car or in haylofts.

Call me old fashioned but I prefer a soft bed. Here’s why…

Hayloft – poked in the ass with hay, allergies go rampant, and there are rodents and bees/wasps in the barn. If you have ample booty, the last thing you want is to be stung and have more swelling.

Hood of car – that car better be parked in the shade because I’m not frying my buns for anyone. And digging a spatula out of your purse is not very romantic.

Parents’ bed – Seriously? Again, eew!

The bathroom in a jet – no discussion there because it would take a fifth of Jack and a Valium to get me on board anything that flies higher than a piñata.

In a lake – not gonna happen because I’m more concerned about what’s in the water that I can’t see. Seriously, vagina dentata is nothing in comparison to finding a snapping turtle on the end of his pecker.
 
In the ocean surf – honestly, what woman wants sand stuck in her hoo haw? It's bad enough when you spend the day on the beach to relax let along having it stuffed up there. Finding sand in your panties three weeks later is mortifying. And with my luck, I’d roll over on a jellyfish or stare eye to eye with a very hungry Orca or shark.

Din-din anyone?

Consider Olivia of Making Love in the Rain. She can't help herself when she meets Ben. Love can make us do some crazy things we wouldn't ordinarily do, but when she gets caught scratching an itch in the elevator with Ben, the repercussions are surprising. 

Nope, safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you consider what’s out there beyond the bedroom.

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16 comments:

Debbie Gould said...

LOL, I'm writing a sex scene on a gun range at the moment. Believe me, there will be a mishap...oh not with the gun, lol.

Faith said...

LOL, Debbie!

Jim Hartley said...

But you get into some of my stories ... I write Science Fiction ... and one of the partners isn't even human, how safe is that? A man and an alien female, trapped on a lifeboat after their spaceship explodes, and the alien pheromones have a major effect on both of them ... how safe is that?

Faith said...

LOL! Morning, Jim! Depends on the alien, I guess. Sounds like she needs a full-body condom that is also an explosion shield--pun intended! LMAO!

Savannah Chase said...

I love this post...I've got a scene that takes place in a car garage....Not the most romantic place but when you want to scratch, you scratch where you can..LOL

Anthology Authors said...

Where's your adventuresome spirit, Faith? (g)

And I seem to remember you writing one on the back of a motorcycle. It wasn't moving, from the motor at least. (g)

Faith said...

Sure, I write such scenes, Marci, but that doesn't mean I want to act them out, lmao!

Hey there, Savannah! Nice to "see" you here. Your garage scene reminds me of one I wrote where the couple gets jiggy with it on a workbench and the heroine ends up with the imprint of a wrench on her butt, lolol...

Ray said...

I have done it in the ocean, but on a calm day in Virginia Beach there isn't any surf. It was at a Navy beach club across from the Edgar Casey Enlightenment Center. Anyway beyond the surf in water up to your neck you don't get sand on a calm day.

Faith said...

That's good to know, Ray. However, with all the shark attacks I keep hearing about I'd be afraid to go out in the water above me knees.

Ray said...

Just don't go in the water for an hour before sunset of after sunrise. The sharks can't see well in subdued light. I kind of wonder about any time of day at the VA Beach boardwalk. The tall buildings cast a shadow in the water. I think it was stupid to build hotels where sunbathers don't get any sun.

Faith said...

I recently watched something on TV that gave that same advice. And your thoughts on tall building casting shadows makes perfect sense.

Margie Church said...

I had to laugh about the parent's bed comment. I won't say why. I just laughed. ;-)

Jessica Subject said...

LOL Okay, many of those I would not do, but in the parents's bed made me cringe. Yuck!

msspencerauthor said...

Totally agree on parents' bed. But I'd add to Ray's advice on sharks--it's not so much their poor sight--twilight is feeding time. Same with alligators.That said, fear of getting caught may lend a thrill; fear of getting et doesn't. M. S. Spencer

Faith said...

Now, Margie...LOL!

Jessica, at least I'm not the only one who cringes at that.

Yes, it could very well be the thrill, Spencer.

Condom Suppliers said...

Well, if you prefer it in the bedroom then why not? As long as you enjoy your fun and safe sex, right? =)