Friday, 16 September 2011

Where Do You Carry Your Wallet?

**Welcome today's guest, Stephy Smith.**

I had to break down and buy new underwear the other day. I made my choice, walked to the checkout stand and stood in line. I couldn't wait to get home and slip into one of the pretty little tuffs of material. Just something about new panties makes you feel all fresh and clean.

Piling my hair on the top of my head, I jumped in the tub and slathered up with baby oil. What a delight. I dried off and slipped into a pair of new black bikini panties. Soft, expandable little numbers I might add. My droopy ass was now in tight firm rolls instead of knee knockers. So what's a few lumps? I wear jeans anyway that will flatten the hills.

Long spaghetti tits swung just above the waistline as if they were Vanna White pointing out the correct letter. I pranced around the bathroom admiring the view for a few moments then dressed. I couldn't wait for the next need to pee! I drank tons of water, tea and coffee to forward the process... nothing!

Hours later, the need finally hit! Yes, oh yes I thought to myself. I perched on the thrown like a queen. All done and time to pull them up to experience the comfort of these little critters climbing across the hills and sinking into crevices excited me. The feel of the material of my new bloomers sliding up my legs, tantalized and molded cellulite as I tugged upward.

The pliable band clenched in my hands, sent tingles down my spine.

What the hell... my ring caught in the crotch.

Who put a pocket there and why? I re-read the package. It doesn't say anything about a frigging pocket! And it sure doesn't say what you are suppose to put in it. Am I wearing these things wrong side out? Were the panties made for a pole dancer? Is this where the men stuff the money?

Holy shit, are they for a cross dresser to stuff his dangling parts inside the pocket to hide them? Should I roll up the saggy lips and tuck them in to make a camel toe to be envious of? Do you braid the pubic hair before swimming and tuck the braids neatly inside so you don't have to rip that shit out before entering the pool?

Is there some kind of little vibrator you stuff in it to give you an all day orgasm? Do you carry extra Kotex in there? I don't have to worry about that any more, cancer cured that problem over twenty years ago. Is this a new place to hide your wallet for gravity possessed women? What the f***? Oh, hell! Has it been twenty years since I bought new underwear?

Blurb: Shawnee Turner left her home, family and friends to start a new life on a Colorado ranch. When the ranch sold, she was forced to return to her Texas hometown and the job she left behind. Emory Creek owned the sale barn. Anxious for his one true love to return he had to come up with a plan to convince her, he was the man for her.

Short excerpt:
Pool balls clanked together, Alan Jackson bellowed to be propped against the jukebox, while whoops and hollers filtered through the wooden door.
Shawnee and Cheyenne entered the dimness of the Lonely Steer Bar and Grill. They stepped to one side of the door and let their eyes adjust to the darkness then zigzagged through the crowded room to the bar.
“Two cola’s, hot wings, and an order of fries, if you got ‘em,” Shawnee called to the bartender. Shawnee slid a cola in front of Cheyenne.
Food in hand, they wove their way past pool tables, pinball games, and a dartboard to an empty table near the dance floor. A woman escorted her man in their direction, leaning one way and then the other toward them.
“Pick up,” Shawnee reached for her drink and food. Cheyenne followed suit until the intoxicated couple slithered past.
Cheyenne swiveled the straw in the glass. “I’m getting butterflies about tomorrow, Shaw.”
“If it makes things any better, I’m kinda nervous, too. At least we’ll be working together. It’s not like we haven’t been to a sale barn before,” Shawnee tilted her head to the couple shuffling their way to the dance floor.
“I know, just the thought of strange people, good-looking cowboys; you know I’m not comfortable around them anymore.” Cheyenne’s eyes scanned the room. Her last job consisted of working as an unsupervised vet tech.
Shawnee followed her gaze. “You know, most of these guys are wanna-be cowboys and not real ones. They’re gonna be different than the ones you’ll work around.”
“They’re still men. I haven’t been around men in so long they just make me a little jumpy.” Cheyenne glanced as the dance floor filled with couples.
Shawnee twisted to face the bar. A tall, dark-haired man headed in their direction. His slow, easy saunter and broad, muscled chest sent a strange quiver down her spine.
“Yeah, all these guys in here just want to rub belt buckles and have a good time.” She stared as the man’s back pockets tightened across his hips until he took a seat. Leaning across the table, she lowered her voice, “I wouldn’t mind unpacking his saddlebags.”

Visit Stephy's site to buy Shawnee's Creek and check out her other titles too.

Stephy Smith
www.stephyjsmith.webs.com

26 comments:

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

Morning, Steph! :)

You had me rolling with your comments on the new panties. LOL! What I wanna know is...did you figure out what the pocket was for? ;) Loved the excerpt of Shawnee's Creek!

Faith said...

LOL, I agree, Lisa. This is an adorably funny post!

Stephy Smith said...

Good Morning Lisa and Faith! No I still haven't found out what it is for. Someone needs to write a book on 101 Reason for a crotch pocket!

Faith said...

LMAO!

Anthology Authors said...

A crotch rocket makes sense, but a crotch pocket? What the he'll would we put in there?

Hilarious, Stephy!

Marci

Cassie Exline said...

Hilarious! Love this post. Perhaps it's a place to tuck mad money? I've love to watch the bystanders when you reach into your pantie pocket for your mad money. lol

Stephy Smith said...

Morning Marci! I'm still baffled over why the damn thing is in there. I thought it was the double crotch thing like in all panties until my ring caught on it. All six pairs have it! lol

Stephy Smith said...

Good morning Cassie! Glad you enjoyed it. I know some money would be pretty mad if it were tucked there on some of the people I have met! LMAO That stuff don't just wash off with ajax!

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

I'm still thinking it's a little pocket for your--darn! Don't know what to call it. lol. The little vibrating thingy that made the woman pass out in the grocery store..in the UK, I think. ROFL!

Stephy Smith said...

Oh hell Lisa! LOL I can hear the intercom now... "Woman attacked by her bloomer blaster on isle three."

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

LOL! I think if the article was for real, paramedics were called. haha!

Stephy Smith said...

That would be worse Lisa! I know and have worked with all of our EMS! "If the hot flashes get to unbearable, Stephy just stuff a few Ice cubes in there and call me in the morning!"

Jean said...

What a hoot! Good thing I had finished my tea. GREAT post!! Too much and I love a cowboy story so I will definitely be buying this book.

Lindsay said...

ROFLMAO. That's the best post on the subject I've read in a long time

Lynn Spangler said...

Stephy,

That was hilarious! Always good to start the day with a laugh. Have a great weekend!

Stephy Smith said...

Thank you Jean, Lindsay and Lynn for visiting this morning! Glad I could help start everyones day with a good laugh! Have a terrific weekend!

Fabian Black said...

Maybe it's a place to keep a spare housekey in case you lock yourself out!

Very funny blog post, thanks for the laugh and the excerpt is great too.

Best,

Libby :)

Stephy Smith said...

Thank you Libby for taking time to stop by! That is one possibility that never entered my mind!

Adriana Ryan said...

Hilarious! What a great writing style!

Stephy Smith said...

Thank you Adriana. Nice of you to stop by!

Bri Clark said...

Damn funny. You obviously don't shop at Adam and Eve. Where romance began. Cause that's where I got and there's all kinds of creative stuff there.

Stephy Smith said...

Hi Bri! Nice you could drop in. No I have never heard of Adam and Eve. Sounds interesting though. The nearest Wal-mart is 75 miles away and the nearest mall is 125 miles.

Stephy Smith said...

Thank you Faith, Marci, Tess and Jaime for allowing me to guest blog here at Four Strong Women. I had a blast. Stephy

Patricia said...

Too funny. Great way to start my Saturday!
Patti

Robyn M Speed said...

Freakin hilarious!

Stephy Smith said...

Thank you Patricia and Robyn. Glad you enjoyed it!