Tuesday, 9 October 2012

You Googled What?

by Valerie Mann

As an author and editor, I always thank the Great Geek Gods for inventing the internet. You can find anything you want. For crying out loud, “googling” is an actual verb now.

With that in mind, and without telling what it was for, I asked some Facebook friends to post any wacky, random thing that popped into their heads. I had to know if Google really is my friend. Verdict?  You’d better believe it - put Google on your BFF list. Stat!

Here’s are the search results for some of the random thoughts floating around in my Facebook friends’ heads:

Peanut Butter, Jelly and Doritos sandwich or officially, “the PBJD” (Kelly Harrell) – okay, not only does it exist, there’s an Ode to it on  YouTube. Watch carefully, this is important. Cue the 2001 Space Odyssey theme (seriously).

Doing laundry in the nude (Liz Crowe) – needless to say, this Google search popped up lots of porn videos. Which my porn-blocking software effectively blocked. Sigh.  But it reminds me of the time (no, not at band camp) when I was little and we were vacationing in a remote part of Canada. I went to the Laundromat with my mom and a man came in, disrobed down to bucknakedness and threw all of his clothes in the washer. I was fascinated. Mom was, too.
Liz Crowe's idea of housework
Buttons (Stephanie Beck) – Oh, our Steph is a crafty one. She wanted to know the difference between four-hole, two-hole and shank buttons. For us button-challenged people: four-hole buttons and two-hole buttons have four holes and two holes, respectively (surprise). 

On the other hand, Shank buttons have that loopy-thing on the back. You know, the kind of button that loves to get snagged on stuff because it sticks out and then you lose the little bast**d and can’t find a replacement that ever matches the original. Yeah, that’s the shank button. Google says the shank button “usually looks more elegant”.  Not when you lose the little bast**d, it doesn’t.
Two-hole button vs. Shank button.
Stop the ignorance!
Tobacco Enema (Virginia Nelson) – I know…that made me pause, too. Talk about random. Anywhoo…it was more common to blow smoke up someone’s arse back in the nineteenth century than it is now. Supposedly, it treated everything from headaches, drowsiness, and respiratory failure, to drowning resuscitation. Okay then…do you ever wonder how some of this crap ever got thought up in the first place? Like: 

     “Hey, we just pulled this guy out of the lake. He's not breathing! Wait, I have a great idea...let’s blow smoke up his arse!”
     “Dude, that is an awesome idea!”
"We received a report that you're having trouble breathing, ma'am."

 Best Place to have Sex in an Airport (Mahalia Levey) – You know you want to know the answer to this. Well, according to a reputable travel site, here’s the top ten airports to have sex in. No suggestion for a specific location, so it appears it's up to you to determine the exact spot to hook up, but keep this handy list in your carry-on, because you just never know:

(1)Newark                            (6) San Francisco
(2) JFK                                 (7) Paris
(3) Philadelphia                   (8)O’Hare (Chicago)
(4) Dallas/Ft. Worth            (9)Heathrow
(5) Minneapolis/St. Paul    (10) Rome

 What if Spiders could jump like fleas? (Virginia Nelson) – well actually, Virginia, they do. There IS a Jumping Spider. Here’s a video of our friend, the Phiddipus apachanus. Queue the Neil Young accompaniment (seriously). And man, this guy’s face is something to behold (the spider’s, not Neil’s).

Oh, and BTW...I googled Geek Gods just for giggles (you know, the guys I'm thankful to)...of course they exist! Google says so! 

Now you know. Don't ever say you don't believe


steph beck said...

Yay for buttons!!! Fun post, Val :)

Stephanie Beck

Faith said...

LOL! Thank you for a few good giggles this morning, Val!

Those jumping spiders are all over this area. I had one "attack" me at my desk once. I'm not usually afraid of spiders unless they're huge, but this li'l guy was so unexpected it actually make me scream and fly out of my chair, lol.

And buttons...grr, I hate sewing buttons back on things. Seemed like my kids were always losing buttons or breaking zippers.

Jessica Subject said...

*shivers* I don't like spiders. Eek! Daddy long legs are okay, because they don't run fast and don't jump when I try to kill them. But it seems every other type of spiders that shows up in the house likes to jump as I go to kill it. And of course, I have to shriek.

And yes, Valerie, you are the Queen of finding things on Google. :)

TK Anthony + www.scotianrealm.com said...

In the past 11 months, I've been a fairly frequent flyer through Newark, Philly, O'Hare, and DFW airports. I guess I'm just not hanging around the right gates. Also, very pleased to see Skippy as the foundation for the ultimate PBJD...luv me some Skippy!

Kate Richards said...

I had no idea you provided Internet Search Services...but since you do, there are a few things I've been wondering about, like whether freeze-dried ice cream is still available and if pop rocks and Coke really will make your had explode.

Louisa Bacio said...

Kate! When I was in Vegas earlier this year, I saw freeze-dried ice cream! It actually was packaged and said, "Just like the astronauts!"

Ah, Val -- tell me something. Did you clear your search history after this foray?

Valerie Mann said...

I saw freeze-dried ice cream recently, too. Geez, Kate! Send me something harder to look for!

Louisa - I did clear my search history recently, but only because I'd googled to find out if "little people" (i.e. the men)have certain appendages that are "normal" in size to men who aren't little. And before you get all disgusted, you know you've wondered this as well. Oh, stop denying it *snort*

Valerie Mann said...

BTW, the answer is yes.

Margie Church said...

I just want to say that if you have sex in the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport, that's fine, just don't tap your toe in the stall. :-) I worry about my internet tracks. Especially when I'm writing a suspense novel. Oh well, I suppose it's about time for the neighbors to show up at our house instead of the neighbors. LOL

Robyn M Speed said...

Ahhh, damn it, Kate!!! Why did you have to ask about pop rocks and coke ...now I REALLY want to know!!

And you can actually do freeze dried ice cream? Really?

Damn it...you people are all putting random shit in my head, and it's only 9 a.m. (By the way, my head is usually full of random shit anyway, but hey folks, there's a line...and I think, as a group, you have vigorously SHOVED me over that line!)

...might go and google "best song to have sex to"....

Arlene said...

Great post. I can't imagine life without googling, and good to put a name to those damn buttons. And no, not until now have I ever wondered the size of a little person's package. And yep, I'm thinking the lollipop guild would be a good group to survey.

Anthology Authors said...

I've googled some interesting things as well. However, we have a couple of different jumping spiders in our area that I've googled. One is the phidippus audax, aka daring jumping spider. It looks very similar to the one on the video. This little guys can jump up to 50x their size. We saw one with an abdomen about the size of my thumb. Well, actually, Charlie found it while working in the garden and pointed it out to me. When I told him how far it could jump, he decided not to work in the garden anymore. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA The other one is a phidippus johnsoni. The male has a solid red abdomen back. Very pretty. The female has a black stripe through the red. However, it looks as if all of these phidippus share a feature (beyond being jumpers). Their fangs. Did you see how pretty the little female's fangs were? That metallic green? Well, metallic green fangs equals female and metallic blue equals male. We see more females than males around our house... or we did until our bug control guy came and sprayed my spiders. I am not happy at all. As long as they aren't poisonous to me or mine, I don't mind spiders at all. Some people think I'm odd. LOL

Buttons. I know how to sew on back on if I have to. It won't look pretty, though. LOL

IM Cupnjava said...

My tech job is working with a search engine. You wouldn't believe some of things people search.

Taryn Kincaid said...

Oh, the amount of time I spend googling crazy crap. Oh, the time suck. Great post!

Valerie Mann said...

My husband made fun of my odd google searches until I reminded him that he'd done a search for Talking Cats videos to annoy the cat sitting on his laptop. And then ended up watching cat videos. Every man has his search downfall. I now know what his is. Question is: How can I use this against him?

Barbara Elsborg said...

I love Google - but I did worry my husband when I said - don't worry if we get a call from the police because I've been googling some wierd stuff - like how long it takes a fetus to decompose in damp conditions. My browsing history is positively dangerous!

Liza O'Connor said...