You Googled What?

by Valerie Mann

As an author and editor, I always thank the Great Geek Gods for inventing the internet. You can find anything you want. For crying out loud, “googling” is an actual verb now.

With that in mind, and without telling what it was for, I asked some Facebook friends to post any wacky, random thing that popped into their heads. I had to know if Google really is my friend. Verdict?  You’d better believe it - put Google on your BFF list. Stat!

Here’s are the search results for some of the random thoughts floating around in my Facebook friends’ heads:

Peanut Butter, Jelly and Doritos sandwich or officially, “the PBJD” (Kelly Harrell) – okay, not only does it exist, there’s an Ode to it on  YouTube. Watch carefully, this is important. Cue the 2001 Space Odyssey theme (seriously).

Doing laundry in the nude (Liz Crowe) – needless to say, this Google search popped up lots of porn videos. Which my porn-blocking software effectively blocked. Sigh.  But it reminds me of the time (no, not at band camp) when I was little and we were vacationing in a remote part of Canada. I went to the Laundromat with my mom and a man came in, disrobed down to bucknakedness and threw all of his clothes in the washer. I was fascinated. Mom was, too.

Liz Crowe's idea of housework

Buttons (Stephanie Beck) – Oh, our Steph is a crafty one. She wanted to know the difference between four-hole, two-hole and shank buttons. For us button-challenged people: four-hole buttons and two-hole buttons have four holes and two holes, respectively (surprise). 

On the other hand, Shank buttons have that loopy-thing on the back. You know, the kind of button that loves to get snagged on stuff because it sticks out and then you lose the little bast**d and can’t find a replacement that ever matches the original. Yeah, that’s the shank button. Google says the shank button “usually looks more elegant”.  Not when you lose the little bast**d, it doesn’t.

Two-hole button vs. Shank button.
Stop the ignorance!

Tobacco Enema (Virginia Nelson) – I know…that made me pause, too. Talk about random. Anywhoo…it was more common to blow smoke up someone’s arse back in the nineteenth century than it is now. Supposedly, it treated everything from headaches, drowsiness, and respiratory failure, to drowning resuscitation. Okay then…do you ever wonder how some of this crap ever got thought up in the first place? Like: 

     “Hey, we just pulled this guy out of the lake. He's not breathing! Wait, I have a great idea...let’s blow smoke up his arse!”
     “Dude, that is an awesome idea!”

"We received a report that you're having trouble breathing, ma'am."

 Best Place to have Sex in an Airport (Mahalia Levey) – You know you want to know the answer to this. Well, according to a reputable travel site, here’s the top ten airports to have sex in. No suggestion for a specific location, so it appears it's up to you to determine the exact spot to hook up, but keep this handy list in your carry-on, because you just never know:

(1)Newark                            (6) San Francisco

(2) JFK                                 (7) Paris

(3) Philadelphia                   (8)O’Hare (Chicago)

(4) Dallas/Ft. Worth            (9)Heathrow

(5) Minneapolis/St. Paul    (10) Rome

 What if Spiders could jump like fleas? (Virginia Nelson) – well actually, Virginia, they do. There IS a Jumping Spider. Here’s a video of our friend, the Phiddipus apachanus. Queue the Neil Young accompaniment (seriously). And man, this guy’s face is something to behold (the spider’s, not Neil’s).

Oh, and BTW...I googled Geek Gods just for giggles (you know, the guys I'm thankful to)...of course they exist! Google says so! 

Now you know. Don't ever say you don't believe