Things

by D.L. Jackson

So I got up the other morning, after my husband left for work, and turned on the television on my way by to the kitchen to make oatmeal. As I stirred my blueberries and cream, I hear the narrator on the television, which I intended to switch to the news once I came back through. I’ve gotten used to finding it on “The Hunting Channel” when I turn it on. It’s pretty much a given.  When he falls asleep on the couch, that station is usually on.

Continuing on here....

To get the full effect of this next bit, you need to read it out loud, like you are narrating an episode of the Dukes of Hazard.

“This couple first meant in the woods while out hunting, it was love at first sight. Now, years later they hunt together, with their two boys, Walker, and Walker Jr.”

Blink.

“Walker and Walker Jr. are too young to go on this big hunt, so they’re back at the spread, doing a little predator hunting, while mom and dad stalk the big game.”

Okay...really? You can’t be more creative than that? I guess it will save her voice when she calls them in from their hunting for vittles. As for me, I changed the channel to the news and moved on to starting my day. Routine.

My twenty-second anniversary is today, and I’m reflecting on the things I’ve seen and learned over the years about men and marriage. Now, not all our guys are into “The Hunting Channel,” but I’ll bet there are a few behaviors you’ll recognize in this post. 

So without further delay, here are the things I’ve learned in the last twenty-two years of marriage.

1.  If you want something done, fire up his power saw or chain saw, and then act like you haven't got a clue. This goes for rotatillers, screw guns and any other thing that makes noise and is used to dismantle or build.

2.   If you want him to pick up his dirty underwear from the bathroom floor, don't put a hamper in there.

3.   Men will leave a teaspoon of milk in the jug or a spoonful of ice cream in the carton, just so they can say they didn't take the last bit, or have to throw it away. This is a battle you will never win, so just finish it off and toss it.

4.  The Lifetime Movie network is helpful if you want him to leave the room.

5.  Spiders and mice are amusing, especially if they make you scream, or tree you on the kitchen table.

6.  Don't buy a vehicle that has window locks on the driver's side. He will take advantage of this feature, giving gas chamber a whole new meaning.

7.  No matter how bad a cook his mother is, she is always better than you.

8.  If you want your sink drain cleaned...never mind, no way have I can say this, is going to come out right.

9.  What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours, except for the tools, the riding lawnmower, guns and snowmobiles, and then those are just his, but he's pretty sure the shovel, wheelbarrow and rake are jointly owned.

10.  Homemade bread will get you out of just about anything.

11.  Thou shalt not hide the keys to his gun cabinet in your box of tampons, it angers the hunting gods. One should however, leave them hanging in the open gun safe door, because that is why you have it.

12.  Speaking of hunting.... A buck is a buck, not his little deer, and if he kills one with a rack, it’s going to end up hanging on your wall.

 13.  Let sleeping men lie. Don't try to confiscate the remote while he naps on the couch. Get your own, or better yet, use that app on your cell phone. They always wake up barking they were watching it, even if it is an infomercial, and they will leave it on that infomercial to prove their point, even if it's for a bra or male enhancement.

14.  He snores. I snore louder.

15.  Couch = Sleep. See 14.

16.  He’s a better driver. No matter what you say, or that he’s had more tickets than you. He is a better driver. Why yes, I think this interstate goes around Washington DC. I’m pretty sure that’s the third time we’ve seen the Monument.

17. “You never listen to anything I ever say.” “That’s not true, honey. I listen to everything you say and then do what I’m going to do anyway.”

18.  The best time to ask for something is while he is watching football.

19. Left over canned whip cream is not for a sexy night, it’s for spraying into your mouth from the can and stopping short of emptying it, leaving  one squirt. When asked where the whip cream went, you shrug your shoulders and look at the (insert one of these) kids, cat,  or dog. Note:  He also finds this technique handy when he has gas, except for when you are in the rolling gas chamber, your knowing what is coming is half the fun.

20.  Men don’t show their love for you with flowers, not unless you hint at it multiple times or they’ve been a bad boy, they fix your toilet.  I’m more likely to gush, “Awh, you love me,” when the toilet flushes, than when he shows up with flowers, which make me wonder what he did.

21.  He kisses me every day before he leaves for work and tells me he loves me. He does this because, if it’s the last time he saw me, he wants me to know how he feels. In his heart he’s really a romantic. Just don’t tell him I said that. By the way, I’ve never needed a handy man. Every toilet flushes in my house and every drain is clean. Sometimes they don’t always show it with big romantic gestures, but if you look, they show it many other ways. My house has always been full of love.

Well, thanks for stopping by. Tell me some of the things you’ve learned relationships over the years, the odd quirks, the aww things he or she does.

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