Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Hair We Go Again!


Since I'm going to be gone for most of today, I thought I'd post something that makes me laugh so hard I'm wiping tears away.

This came to me in email about three or four years ago. I kept it, and whenever I'm having a really bad day full of tears and anger, I pull this little comedy piece up and laugh.

Some of you may have already read it, but even if you have, it's still good for a belly laugh. I have no idea who the author of this is, so I'm posting it by anonymous.

~~~

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home,
fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the
waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my
demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they
get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever
else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can
it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to
figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
”Cold wax," ( yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best
feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer
eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair
and maker of smooth skin extraordinary. With my next wax strip I move
north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship. Idrop my panties and place one foot
on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) Iinhale
deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
the strip.

CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do
I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want
to revelin the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that
used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold
wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had
convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
-"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or
who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on
the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone
else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping
the waxoff with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in superhot
water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, my dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. To my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

10 comments:

Cassie Exline said...

This is an oldie but a goodie. Thanks for the wonderful laugh.

Margaret West said...

OMG I am crying with laughter....so funny.

Faith said...

Was telling a friend of mine this morning that whoever wrote that hair story is hilarious. What an amazing sense of humor, lmao!

trinity said...

I'd go for the hair color too, but with my luck my hair would turn out blue or green like it did one time.
Trinity

Faith said...

LOL, Trin, my mother colored Ivory's hair one time because she was complaining how pool chlorine had left green tints in it that summer. Well, whatever was in the hair color turned those green tints a bizarre shade of orange. Ivory 'bout flipped, lol. We got it straightened out, but I told her from now on when she swims in a pool, she has to wear a swimmer's cap!

Kate Richards said...

And I thought the feeing of millions of biting fire ants known as the Epilady was bad. I'm laughing so hard I've got tears in my eyes. I think it's time we got to be gorillas and our beloved men take over the hair removal on their own sacred bods! But then we'd probably have to rush to emergency every time!

Faith said...

I think part of what cracks me about this person's story is that I recall my mother doing something similar years ago. I laughed so hard even then, poor woman!

Anthology Authors said...

Oh, I've seen this one, too. From my own experience of having a professional rip the hair off of my legs (and once off a small portion of an armpit.), I will never--and I mean never--allow wax any where near my who-ha. (g)

Marci

Richard said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Janice said...

I read this a while back. Funny.

I hate to say it but something very similar happened to me. But luckily, I just tried it on my lower leg.

Janice~