Sex Advice For Animals

From resident animal sexpert, BarbaraElsborg

 Dear Sexpert,

I’m a honey bee. What’s my best chance of beating off the opposition and ensuring I father the Queen’s offspring?   

Yours,

Drone

Dear Drone,

Get in quick. Then you win by plugging her up after sex. The bad news is the plug is part of your genitals which snap off inside her. The good news is, you won’t survive to worry about it.

Dear Sexpert,

Am I normal? I’m a female but I’m the one with the balls in my relationship. I’m bigger, stronger and fiercer than my mate. I appear to have a pseudopenis I can make erect. Should I be sticking it in him?

Yours,

Hyena

Dear Hyena,

Don’t worry. What you have is just a massive clit. Give the little guy a chance—he’ll work it out—or in, if you’re lucky.

Dear Sexpert,

I’m a cichlid fish. I can’t get pregnant. What am I doing wrong?   

Yours,

Confused

Dear Confused,

Oral sex is the answer. Your eggs are fertilized by the male while they're being carried in your mouth. See! He wasn’t lying to you. Think of a blowfish and don’t swallow.

Dear Sexpert,

I’m such a whore. Last night I was at the center of a writhing ball of more than 100 red-side male garter snakes, all trying to have sex with me. And I loved it. Trouble is I’m a male.  Does it mean I’m gay?

Yours, 

Red

Dear Red,

No, it means you were weak, slow and cold. You’ve just come out of hibernation. You pretended to be female to warm up away from predators. Smart move! However if you do it again, you’re gay.

Dear Sexpert,

I’m a panda and I’m addicted to porn. I blame the keepers taking care of me and my woman. They have us watching panda porn and my mate won’t leave me alone. What shall I do?

Yours,

Panda

Dear Panda.

Stop complaining. Female Pandas only usually want sex on 1-3 days a year. Make the most of her interest and get her pregnant. No wonder you’re endangered. Switch onto sports for the other 362 days.

Dear Sexpert,

I’m a very small duck from Argentina with a very large problem. I’m 17 inches from nose to tail and my corkscrew shaped penis is also 17 inches long. I might have the longest penis in the bird world but it freaks out the ladies. What can I do?

Yours,

Argentinean Lake Duck

Dear Big Head,

Use it as a lasso, pin her down and screw away. A glass of Malbec afterwards would be lovely if you’ve the energy to uncork the bottle.

Dear Sexpert,

My mate must have missed sex-ed. He keeps jabbing me in the abdomen with his penis and squirting into me. I don’t like to say anything. What can I do?

Yours,

Bed bug

Dear Bed bug,

Pay attention. That’s the way you mate.  It’s called traumatic insemination. Sadly my ex thought he was a bed bug.

Dear Sexpert,

My Giraffe mate has a disgusting habit. He nudges my backside to make me wee and then he tastes it. Oh, yuk. He thinks that puts me in the mood for sex. Mind you, it’s even worse for my friend the porcupine. Her mate squirts high pressure jets of urine on her before he mates. What is it with these guys?

Yours,

Disgusted

Dear Disgusted,

Mating for giraffes isn’t easy. He just wants to make sure you’re receptive. He can taste whether you are or not in your wee. As far as the porcupine is concerned, he’s just showing off. But to save confusion, try to ensure you don’t pee on the porcupine.

Dear Sexpert,

I’m a banana slug, a hermaphrodite and I’m worried. I’m 6 inches long and the banana slug approaching me has a penis 8 inches long. It’s going to get stuck. What can I do?

Yours,

Petrified

Dear Petrified,

It’ll go in but if it gets stuck, just bite it off. And stop eating my plants.

Dear Sexpert,

As a silverback gorilla, I have a band of 30 females that I service on a regular basis, but I’m a little worried about the size of my penis. Is one and half inches normal?

Yours,

Worried

Dear Worried,

Yes. Perfectly normal. Sorry for sniggering. Try to distract her with a banana. It might work.

Dear Sexpert,

I’m an Australian marsupial mouse and I’ve been trying to work out why there seem to be so few males around at the end of the mating season. This is going to be my first time as an adult and I want to survive the experience. It sounds such fun. Sex with as many females as possible for up to 12 hours at a time? What’s the catch?

Yours,

Suspicious

Dear Suspicious,

Enjoy it while you can. You’re so exhausted after your orgy, you die. But what a way to go!

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