Thursday, 12 January 2012

MOOBS

By Olivia Starke


Today I want to blog on Moobs.Urban dictionary defines Moobs as Man boobs, or disgustingly large titties on a man.
(Think of moobs as the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of this.)

Apparently small towns breed men who have an inherent predisposition to moobliness (or at least the small town where I live.) And I’m not talking about those sweet, wonderful, cuddly guys we know and love who have good jobs and basic common decency—no I’m talking about those other type of, ahem, men. The ones who’ve managed to beer drink (among other things) their way to a nice sized rack.

First off, we have the thin guys with worn Budweiser t-shirts expertly cut out to expose their perky As and giant man nipples. Usually accompanied by homemade tats and a questionable smell you can’t quite place, they seem to think they are God’s gift to women and will be quick to wink and call you “Babe” or “Honey.” The fact you can’t stop staring at their freaky nips only confirms in their mind your interest, and they will be quick to shed that Bud Light shirt at the first opportunity to give you the whole show. Of course, this is about the same time you feel your uterus shrivel completely away, leaving you sterile for life.

 Next, we’ll jump straight to the gentleman who can give my own Ds a run for the money. These are the proud carriers of a matching “toolshed” or huge gut that hangs below their belts, attesting to their years of hard drinkin’ and hard livin’ Larry the Cable Guy style. For the most part not as cocksure as the boys mentioned above, they often reek of beer and lost dreams. Walking around with a button up shirt three fourths the way unbuttoned, you’ll wonder, Why, for the love of God, can’t they just spare us and hit those last few buttons! But no, they really can’t be bothered since they are much too busy finding reasons to cuss vehemently about everything.

Unfortunately, every summer we are subjected to these men and you have to ponder why it’s legal that they can show it all, but a woman with a decent set can’t? I personally know which I’d prefer to see as a straight woman desperately trying to avoid the asexual life.

(Comment with an email for your chance to win Sweets & Swag! US only, sorry, it’s a customs thing.)

~ Olivia Starke 

“Adding a Little Kink to Your Bedtime Story”


Blurb: Ashley Adams signed up with the 1Night Stand service in hopes of stirring up some cougar passion in her lackluster life. When she meets tall, dark, and oh-so-sexy Justin, the sparks fly. But something deeper lies in their magical connection, something she isn’t prepared for. Will a casual one-night stand change her life forever?

Excerpt
“You’re more beautiful than your picture.” He reached past her shoulder and hit the emergency stop. Her breath caught in her throat when the elevator jolted to a halt.

“What are you doing?” She darted a glance up at the security camera.

The way his mouth curved at the corners made her knees knock. “Your profile said you liked to be adventurous.” The tip of his tongue stroked over his bottom lip as he watched her through heavy-lidded eyes.

“I—I meant trekking through the wilds of Africa, sky diving, that sort of thing.” Her heart beat so loudly, surely he had to hear it. He stepped forward—his finger traced her jaw line before he tipped her chin up. She swallowed.

“Skydiving?Can’t say I’d have the guts to try that, though I’d love the chance to kiss a pretty girl in an elevator.”

A corny come-on line if she’d ever heard one, but spoken with a whiskey-smooth Kentucky drawl—damn, it works for me. That’s what she’d come for, to have an unforgettable night with a hot hunk to stir up her humdrum life. After all, she’d dished out the funds for the flight, half the price of the hotel room, and the 1Night Stand fee.

He moved in close, and a wonderful, heady mix of musk and spice filled her nose. Her insides somersaulted in anticipation, wicked intent written all over his perfectly chiseled face. They could be kicked out of the hotel, or worse—arrested and appear on one of those dumbest criminals shows. The elevator wall pressed into her back, but when he leaned forward and touched his lips to hers, all the reasons they shouldn’t be doing this in the elevator evaporated. 

16 comments:

Valerie Mann said...

Man titties - ewww. And usually accompanied by a lawn of back hair that needs manscaping on a regular basis. I know many women have a body image problem, and so often undeservedly so. So why don't these guys feel some of the same angst?

Olivia Starke said...

Oh these are the same men who crack off about women not measuring up to their high expectations.

And yes, it's supposed to be inherent not inherit at the beginning lol

Kate Richards said...

I believe most laws as to who can show what are very old and made by men. Why show useful, baby feeding nipples...which are clearly indecent when you can show the guy kind to the general public! I don't care who doesn't wear a shirt, but I have been to the nude beach which only confirmed my opinion that the less attractive a person the more likely they are to bare it all

Barbara Elsborg said...

I have a think about not liking over-muscular men. There's a point at which muscles move from - ooh that's rather nice to oh yuck - well, for me anyway. My husband is thrilled to bits I feel that way! LOL

steph beck said...

Bahahaha, moobs. Just like in women, I don't think the moobs make or break the man, but the attitudes you discribe can. A jackhole with a pair of little man tits? That's just way too classy for this girl. Fun post!
s.becken@yahoo.com

Stephanie Beck :)

Kristina's Books & More said...

Moobs. Such a funny word! This is the most creative topic I've ever seen. Made me giggle, although it's completely true. Out here I mostly see the beer gut guys.

kristinaleigh1@hotmail.com

Faith said...

I'm not sure which is worse: moobs or Donelap Disease.

Donelap Disease is when the belly done lapped over the belt.

Olivia Starke said...

I agree Faith, that toolshed is something to behold all of itself!

Valerie Mann said...

My biggest beef, even bigger than Moobs? Muffin Top. Seriously, girls. Don't make me look at how you squeezed your size 14 body into a size 6 pair of pants. I don't want to see how you tried to defy the laws of physics. Those rolls of belly fat have to go somewhere. Just because you can still button your pants from middle school doesn't mean you should wear them.

Decadent Publishing said...

AMEN VALERIE!!

Olivia, I grew up in a small town. I think you might be right. For some reason, they expect the women to be svelt, but don't trim their facial hair (let along their back hair), wear crappy jeans and hole-y jackets, and think chicks should flock to them. Oohh, yeah baby.

Kate, good point. Spot on.

Valerie Mann said...

Here's a great example of a muffin top. Beware, it's not for the faint of heart!
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=1532453666308&id=893de07f1d769c5c28692e31f26920db

Blue Shedevil said...

I really wish this was mandatory reading before men go to the beach. I always leave shuddering when men of a certain cup size strut their less than masculine assets.

Robyn M Speed said...

Okay...so...paused and was silently impressed when you said you're a D !!

However, getting back to the topic, I think the market should begin producing man-bras. Some of those puppies need to be strapped up. And as for summer and the exposing of it all .... I think I will just stay away from the beaches!

Great blog!

Anthology Authors said...

I saw some of these swaggering beer gut men in college. Well, they were frat boys and had already drank enough to look pregnant. What I loved was how they stood at the edge of the pool in just their trunks and critiqued the women in bathing suits. Um, the women looked a hell of a lot better than they did. I was swimming, and when they jumped in, I wanted to drown them for the male chauvinistic remarks.

It's hard not to have muffin tops even for slim women when you can't find any jeans but those stupid hip huggers. (Not that I am, but I'm just saying.) And the women who wear the pants so tight to get them often have camel toes. Ew!

Marci

Olivia Starke said...

LMAO Val omgosh that muffin top photo is horrid! I can't believe you were brave enough to post it here!

Olivia Starke said...

Thanks everyone for your great comments btw :) lol I love them!