Friday, 20 January 2012

Excuse Me...Would You Like to Borrow My Lawn Mower?

by Valerie Mann

Since we seem to be having a run of blogs lately about body grossness, I wanted to jump in and discuss one of my pet peeves: hairy backs.

MEN: Hairy backs belong on primates in the wild or behind a restraining fence at the zoo. They do not belong on someone who shares my bed or the seat next to me on public transportation. And for crying out loud, the last thing I want to see is your hairy back for my viewing pleasure on a public beach.
While we’re at it, let’s add a big N-O to hair sticking out of nostrils and ears. Seriously, there are grooming appliances for such nastiness. Email me privately and I’ll hook you up with a buy link.

Hair on human males belongs on heads, chests, groins and legs. Some hair on fingers and toes is optional and, in moderation, can enhance manliness. Moderation being the key word here, guys.

Hirsutism can be the result of an illness. If you go from smooth to Magilla overnight, get thee to the doctor. I’m not talking about King-Kong-itis here. I’m talking puberty-induced hairyness, treatable with a sharp razor, copious amounts of shaving cream and a willing volunteer to wield these items behind you. Preferably out of doors where you can hose off afterward.

Guys, do you honestly think pubic hair on a your back will attract the chicks? It won't. Really. Trust me on this. If you still think so after reading this, there is no hope for you. If you're having an epiphany at this moment, I have the solution...

Manscaping. Landscaping for the male body. Once primarily confined to porn stars, it's now common for many men to manscape their entire bodies. In some cases, it's downright essential if the guy ever wants to get laid. But if you can't stand the thought of waxing your chest or shaving your junk, at least 'scape the back! 

Examples of manscaping

Don't do this
Manscaping is not the time to demonstrate 
either razor sharp artistic ability, or your team allegiance.

Do this...
Not a back hair in sight. I'll bet the girl fishies jump right into that net!

So tell me, ladies ~ is it just me or do you not mind the Magilla Gorilla look? 

Disclaimer: All manner of manscaping should be done by a trained professional under proper hygienic conditions. 


Faith said...

My grandfather told my mother once that he always wondered if the men with hairy backs or women with hair growing in strange places had Neanderthal genes somewhere in their lineage. His theory was that man and Neanderthals lived at the same time regardless of what science says (and now science is finding out there were many other races of people who did co-habitate at the same time) and that they had to have taken mates from one another. It certainly makes me wonder, yanno?

However, there are also other things that cause an over abundance of hair growth.

Anthology Authors said...

HAHAHAHA, Valerie. You and I are on the same page. I wrote a blog on this, too, but I think I did include discussion on my hairy legs. (g) Wednesday, I had a guy at the pool look at me. His gaze traveled from my very hairy legs up to my face. He was expressionless, but I could almost read his mind. HAHAHAHAHA Good thing I don't care, huh?

Seriously, though, I think hairy backs are worse than hairy legs on a women, but that's just me. (g)

Valerie Mann said...

Faith - your grandfather thinks like my mother.

Marci - hairy legs ain't the same as hairy backs. Hair belongs on legs. Backs should not be covered with fur.

Liz said...

of COURSE a Notre Dame fan did that. who else? maybe Ohio State ....
great post chick.

Jenna said...

Too Funny! We have a friend who needs manscaping, but I'd never tell him. I guess his wife doesn't mind. I know I would. :)

Jessica Subject said...

LOL I'm not a fan of the hairy back either. Thank goodness I don't have to worry about that with my hubby. *grins* But there are some in my neighborhood...

Anthology Authors said...

Many years ago, Valerie, I was at Laguna Seca watching the races. There was a guy there with fiery red hair and skin so pale it had a blue undertone. Well, what I could see of his skin. You see, a pelt of that fiery red hair literally covered his entire body, including the Buddha belly. How do I know? It was the 80s and the era of those tiny shorts. So, picture, if you will, a man looking 9 months gone into pregnancy covered in fiery red hair (back and front) and blue white skin gleaming through it. By the end of the day, the blue white skin became lobster red. O.o It was not attractive. At. All.

Katie Harper said...

LOL!!! My man manscapes....everything except his legs. At first I thought it was a bit odd. Now, I'm really digging it. Silky smooth is where it's at ladies. No more hairballs!! (TMI?)