Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Hair, Hair, and More Hair

Yes, I know we've discussed this before, but I find tends to be a never ending battle of sorts. Unfortunately, hair often seems to win. O_o

A few Christmases ago, Charlie asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a buzzer for my legs, something to shave them with when they get hairy, which happens more frequently than he likes because, well, I just don't care to shave my legs often. You see, when I let the hair on my legs grow, because that few extra minutes to shave my legs is just too long, a bushwhacker would have a hard time mowing it down. Seriously, I have some hairy-ass legs. Poor Charlie has to put up with it probably about six months out of the year. Because once it grows, I'm going to need a buzzer just to get it down to stubble before I can use a razor on it for that silky smooth feeling. I learned that in high school. (Two hours and four or five quality blades later, the bottom half of my legs were bare. And, no, I'm not kidding.) I'm not quite as bad as Sasquatch, and Charlie still has hairier legs than me, but my legs are hairy.

So, I ask for a buzzer for Christmas. It's not an exciting present, but, hey, it's something I need. And now that I am, um, 29--again, I can find my excitement in other areas. (grin)

It'd been more than a few months since I'd shaved. The forest was thick. I couldn't wait to open that buzzer and start clear cutting. (And, no, I don't replant as that hair grows rather quickly. grin) Charlie handed me the gift, his eyes shining with anticipation, I ripped it open, and my mother, sister, and I laughed. The excitement in his eyes snuffed out. I didn't mean to laugh, but I couldn't help myself. Charlie hadn't taken me seriously when I'd said, "Buzzer." He'd bought me the Remington Smooth & Silky, always smooth, always silky. Uh-huh.

"You don't like it?" he asked.

"Well, honey, I asked you for a buzzer, not a lady's shaver. This thing won't even scratch the surface. I'd like it...if I used these things. They just don't work on my legs." (Nor does Nair, but that's another story.)

"Oh." He looked down. "Well, I guess you'll be buying yourself a buzzer."

I grinned. "Yup."

Fast forward nearly a year and three months later. I'm on my way to EPICon in Colonial Williamsburg. Razors aren't allowed in carryon on flights. (Because, you know, I might actually nick someone with it. Of course, when I think about some of the nicks I've done to myself...) I think, well, my leg hair is stubbly. I'll try this Smooth & Silky razor. I can use it in the shower. It might be pretty cool.


It's Saturday night. I have thirty minutes or so to get ready for the gala. I'm going to wear my gold-sequined dress. I want my legs smooth and silky. The razor has been charging for the past couple of days. It's ready; I'm ready; the hair is ready. Only one problem: it doesn't work. That's right. I run that stupid, ass shaver over my legs several times and not one single stubble falls. No little pieces of hair in the bottom of the tub. Nothing. My hair just laughs at the shaver (kind of like it did with the Nair some, um, ten, or so, years ago.)

Soaking wet, I leap out of the shower, wrap a towel around me, and dash across the hall to see if one of my fellow con goers has a razor. Any old razor (because the gift shop had nothing--I checked earlier just in case something like this happened). Would you believe one of those throw away razors worked better than this $30 (whatever it was) shaver? That's just sad.

Later, I find this little card included with the shaver instructions. (Yes, there is an entire pamphlet on how to use the shaver--because, apparently, I am too stupid to know how to use a shaver. Again, another blog for another time.) This card says:

"Your skin needs approximately 3 weeks to adjust to your new Remington shaver after using a blade.

"Once your skin adjusts, you'll get an incredibly close, comfortable shave GUARANTEED. For best results, clean your shaver after each use."

Okay, peeps, after reading about my leg hair, how do you think my legs will look after three weeks of use by this sad excuse of a shaver?

Eep! Time to bring out the buzzer!

I hate throwing things away, but who would want to use a piece of well-marketed crap like this? Maybe I'll find someone.

Next up on Thursday: Why can't hair just stay where it belongs?


Faith said...

LOL! Marci, you sound just like me! However, the best shaver I've found is something the hubby bought. It's a man's razor, has three blades and some sort of coating on it that keeps razor burn away and your legs, underarms are so smooth it's amazing! It works so well I had to hide it from the girls because they fell in love with that shaver too.

What's it called? No clue. The hubby through the pkg away before I had a chance to check it out, and he can't remember the name of it until he has to go buy replacement blades, lol. He recognizes it by the pkg.

That's another topic for ranting about. The price of replacement razor blades. OMG! Are they made out of gold???

Maeve said...

Just wait - as you get older, the hair on your legs grows thinner - mainly because it takes up residence on your chin. *sigh*

Kate Richards said...

It's impossible to shave and have silky smooth anything, isn't it? I bought one of those spinning wire things when they were popular, the ones that shred the hair out by the root and feels about like a millionfire ants chewing your leg off? They guaranted that after a couple of weeks the hair would thin and the pain would stop...but then apparently the hairs just grew under the skin and caused nasty bumps and well...how is it that these things are 'beauty' treatments?

Sharon Sullivan-Craver said...
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Sharon Sullivan-Craver said...

You have me rolling. I absolutely love reading your blog. Thanks for giving me a laugh on yet another rainy Tuesday.

Kenzie Michaels said...

I tried the electric shaver route in high school, and still prefer the disposable razor and shaving cream. Every couple of months in the winter; and maybe every two weeks in the summer works for me:)

Faith said...

ROFLMAO @ Maeve and Kenzie!

Anthology Authors said...

I use--what is that thing called--it's got a brown handle, it's for women, and you can replace the razors. They work great. I just have to be careful on my shins. I've taken huge chunks of skin out more times than I care to admit. (g)

Didn't you know, Faith? They are made out of gold. Fortunately for me, I don't go through too many. (g)

Anthology Authors said...

HAHAHAHAHA, Maeve. Well, that's another discussion. (g)

Anthology Authors said...

Oh, Kate, how awful! My smooth, silky shave lasts about a day, but I shave only once every three or four days.

Anthology Authors said...

My pleasure, Sharon. (g)

Anthology Authors said...

I am so jealous, Kenzie. My mother has very little hair on her legs. Unfortunately for me, I took after my father when it came to hairy legs. O_o

Anthology Authors said...

BTW, Faith, I thought you had quite a bit of NA blood in you. Your hair should be clinging to your head instead of migrating to your legs. (g) I've got lots of German and some Irish. It's the only reason I can figure I have so much friggin' hair. I've got a lot of hair on my head, too, but I wish it was relegated to my legs!

Anthology Authors said...
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Tami said...

Hey -- it's guaranteed, so send it back and tell them you want your money back. :) Too funny.

Anthology Authors said...

I would, Tammy, but it's been nearly 2 years and I've opened the package. I wonder if they will let me return it. Hm... Must think on it. It's in pristine condition, except for the manual. That fell in the bathtub. (g)

Janice said...

I use the Venus which works remarkably well, unfortunately the new blades for it are very expensive.

I can attest to hair migrating to places you rather it not go. I have to pluck my upper lip and few hairs on my chin.

If I let it grow, I could get a job in the circus or freak show as the mustached and goatee lady.

Anthology Authors said...

HAHAHAHAHA, Janice. I know all about migration, unfortunately. That's my next topic for Thursday. I just haven't written the blog yet. I'm still trying to shave all of the hair off of my legs. (g)

Faith said...

Yes, I do have a lot of NA in me, Marci, but I also have a lot of English, Scot and Irish. Yeah, I know, I'm a strange combination, lol.

Anthology Authors said...

Well, apparently, Faith, the other three hair genes were more dominant. LOL Not that there's anything wrong with being English, Irish, and Scottish (I am too), but it sure would have been nice if their hair genes (for legs) were recessive. (g)

Terri Talley Venters said...

Hysterical tale! I've used the pink disposal Daisy razors since junior high, just like my mother. But I can't last a day without shaving my legs or washing my hair. Even when I was nine months pregnant, I somehow managed the task blindly.

Love the gold dress, Marci!

Anthology Authors said...

That's impressive, Terri. When I was pregnant, I'm sure I didn't even bother. (g) If someone would've said something, I'm sure my response would have been something like:

Me: "They look fine to me."
Them: "But you can't see them."
Me: "I know. And they look fine."


I love that gold dress. It hardly ever comes out of the closet. If were up to my daughter, I'd wear it for every tea party we have. (g) It's fun to wear every so often, but not that often. (g)