Thursday, 20 November 2008

You suffer perils of an overactive mind.

No, I didn't say imagination. I said mind. My mind will NOT shut off. I've often been asked about my muse. Is it male or female? What does she look like? Is she bossy? Lazy? Nagging?

She. Is. A. Bitch.

I dubbed her Lady Muse a.k.a. The Bitch. I don't mean just bitch. Oh, no...not this chickie. She wears black leather, high-heeled thigh-high boots, carries a bullwhip--and the wench uses it too! She cracks the whip while I wash dishes or clothes. Lady Muse cracks it whenever I'm at the desk or pick up my laptop. She screams at me as I drive to the library or the grocery store. And God help me if I want to just read or laze and watch TV.

"Get up and write!"

"I'm tired. I need to rest."

SNAP! "There is no rest for the weary!"

"Shut. Up."

"Get. Up."

"Fu** off."

"Oh, wonderful!" CRACK! "So you want to write an erotic romance?"

"NO! I want to read a book or watch TV."

"You have work to do!"

"You are on my last nerve." I try to shove her into the dark part of my mind.

{feet pound back up the stairs from my mind cellar}

"You have to write a novel about a woman who moves into--"

"You're seriously pissing me off, know that?"

CRACK! "I said up! Write! Write! Write!"

"Ah, hell with it. I'm going to bed." I climb under the covers and close my eyes.

"You forgot to flesh out that scene about--"

"Will you shut the hell up!"

KER-SNAP! "I can talk aaaaallllllll night if I have to."

"Okay, fine. You talk to Mr. Tylenol PM and then we'll discuss the novels tomorrow."

"No! We have to sort this out now. We have to achieve word count. You have to write that sex scene so I can...wait...where's my dildo? Oh, there it is. Never mind. You can write the sex scene tomorrow."

I get up and go to the kitchen to fetch a couple of Tylenol PMs and a cup of water.


"Wake up! It's 4 A.M.! You've slept long enough!"

Sigh...the bitch.


Anonymous said...

OH you are so bad!! Wow! I wish my muse would be like that!! Love the whip and boots can I have some?

a Pendragon said...

I hear that...happens to me all the time. My muse is a sexy hunk who demands I write at all hours of the day or night. 'Course, it isn't so bad, as long as I feed him every once in a while. ;D


Nina Pierce said...

What a great visual. Okay, not happy for you, but my laughing my butt off!

kirsten saell said...

Heh, mine has been a bitch, too--but the kind that gives you the silent treatment...

Faith said...

Hey, anyone who wants to borrow Lady Muse is more than welcome. I need the break, dammit! LOLOL!

M.E Ellis said...


Mine used to be like this, but now he's switched to being bossy with regards to my to-do list instead of writing books.



erotiwriter said...

Oh yeah! Been there! Although, once I'm asleep, forget it! Not even world war 3 outside my door could break through. Besides, my muse has to battle mister mind wanders aimlessly from chore to chore, lolol


Tempest Knight said...

*LOL* Your bitching muses sound like mine when they're totally inspired. Except mine tend to go on vacation without consulting with me first.

Jaime Samms said...

Mine has taken to snappipng at the children as we walk through the neighborhood on some errand or other.

"Shhhhhushhhh. Mommy's thinking. Go natter amoungst yourselves for a while."

At which point, he then runs after them to make sure they wait for me at the corner.

Faith said...

Another issue with such muses is that they make writers appear insane, LMAO!

M.E Ellis said...

*waves at Tempest*

Hiya, my lovely!


Rebecca said...

Hilarious. I'm still trying to figure out what my muse is made of. Some days, she's as bad as I am about being a slacker. Others, she's knocking on my skull asking me what the hell I'm waiting on.

Great post.

lastnerve said...

Too Funny!

Rae Lori said...

LOL sounds like mine. Especially when I'm trying to turn it all and go to sleep!

Tess MacKall said...

Do you ever rent her out? Mine likes her vacations.

Funny as hell, Faith. Never let her see you sweat!

Anthology Authors said...

LOLOL Wiped my eyes a few times here. LOL

Well, if I had a muse, she'd be an Amazonian angel in black, metal-studded leather and black, knee-high boots. Black wings, red hair, tanned skin and a sword.

I think she's too busy fighting battles to bug me. LOL


Kissa Starling said...

My muse is motivating at times and then there are days when she just wants to sleep. I give in every time! : )


Desirée Lee said...

Lately my Ms. Muse has been the opposite.

Me: "C'mon, let's write! I have plenty of time and nothing else to do! Let's crank out a couple thousand words!"

Muse: "Piss off."

Me: "Come on!"

Muse: "I'm not getting out of bed!"

Me: "Lazy ass!"

Muse: "Pfft! You should see who I'm in bed with!"

Me: *grumbles* "OK, but when you do come out of bed, you'd better be VERY inspired!"

Carpe Noctem,

Desirée Lee
Putting the Romance Back in Necromancy

Jackie said...

Hahahahaha! Oh yes. I know the Bitch quite well. She forced me to write a book in less than four weeks. And now she's forcing me to start another one while I'm in the middle of yet another book. Damn it. I hope I'll get some sleep next year...

dlgould said...

Desiree, I'm where you're at.
Faith can you send your muse bitch my way, lol.

Janice said...

Hi Faith,

Actually your muse sounds a lot like mine, and she won't hardly let me sleep at night either.

I seem to remember her being a lot nicer when I was younger, of course back then she was getting me into trouble with the teacher for daydreaming.


Faith said...

LOL! It's nice to know I'm not alone in this problem. Misery loves company, lmao!

Lisa Griffin said...

Sometimes I wish I had a muse like that...sometimes not. lol. Mine just drives me to write...that's about it. Hilarious Faith.

Adelle said...

As always, you have me in stitches LOL You're a nut! My muse is one of extremes. She's either relentless, or comatose. Thanks for the laughs.

Faith said...

LOL, I couldn't help myself, Adelle. I was in one of those moods....

Kim Smith said...

OMG! I thought this only happened to me!
Thanks for the giggle.

Gail said...

Thank goodness I don't have a muse!

Kealie Shay said...

WOW, she must be related to my inner editor! She's a cranky bitch without at off button and an opinion on every single thing I write.

My muse isn't that bad, she's just kind of mad at me right now... haven't had time to write. Every time I sit down to do so there's some sort of "emergency". I'll be lucky if she doesn't disappear and reappear drunk with more men attached to my brain.

Faith said...

ROFL! Maybe your muse and mine are sisters!

Shelley Munro said...

LOL - you get a whip and boots and I get a laid back guy who just wants to get laid. I've been threatening to start writing non-fiction. ;-)

My Writer's Attic said...

OMG! That sounds just like my muse. They must be sisters!!!!