Saturday, 30 May 2009

The Scare

Some of you know about the copperhead that my oldest dau and I discovered in the basement. Turns out that a tree we cut down for firewood and tossed into the basement must've had it in it.
Regardless, I have been terrified of going into the basement. Our shower cubicle is in the basement, so you can see what a dilemma this presents. I had the hubby sit on the stairs and watch the floor as I showered. Well...he said he was watching the floor, but somehow I don't believe him.

Even my kids will go downstairs and shower, but not me. Nope. Not unless someone perches on the stairs with a .22. I'd rather take a ricochet bullet than to deal with an accidental "tourist" snake in my basement, especially in my shower cubicle.

Finally, I got enough ass behind me {looks behind self...yup, there's enough there} to wash clothes. I took the oldest dau downstairs and we began the arduous task of fighting with the wringer washer. I looked over and spotted the biggest damn spider I've seen in a long, long time.

Color Splash Comic Pictures, Images and PhotosNow, mind you I'm not afraid of bugs...well, save for bees because I'm allergic to them, but spiders, freaky looking things with antenna and so on don't bother me (unless they look slithery, then I squeal). Jade, on the other hand will poke a snake but shoot to the moon over a spider. {heh, what can I say, we're a neurotic family} I point out the spider and she---

FREAKS!

Uhm, okay, I'll kill it.

So, I take off one of my hubby's big steel-toed boots... All right, wait a minute. I have to paint this picture for you: Daisy Duke shorts, oversized tee shirt, and huge black boots that lace up but aren't laced that feel like they weigh 20 pounds apiece. Hey, what can I say. I was prepared for something creepy-crawly on the floor, not something with eight legs with fuzz wearing a spiked collar that said: Don’t Mess with the Arachnid Bitch.

Anyway, I raise the boot, and as I do so, I take a closer look at the spider.

Hold the phone. That sucker's got a body. No, I mean a REAL body. One with meat and taters on its bones.

"Here, Jade. You kill it." And I walk away.

"WHAT???"

"I don't do meat and taters. That sucker might slap me back."

I gotta say the girl's got gonads. She takes my boot and aims...aims...aims again, hesitates, aims....

"Oh hell, Jade. Just whack the shit outta it."

She then starts laughing. "You're telling me to whack the shit out of it and you chickened out?"

"Damn straight. I'm a coward—and I admit it."

She hands me the boot, walks across the basement to the woodstove and picks up the ash shovel. She returns and whacks the hell out of the wall. Not the spider. The wall.

"You missed."

"I got it!"

"You missed that sucker."

"I saw legs go squish!"

I shook my head. "Nope. You missed."

"I didn't...I hit it!"

I crossed my arms. "Well, then wedge your ass in between the wall and the washer and produce a corpse."

She starts feeding clothes into the rinse tub, and I return to feeding clothes through the press, reaching into the water for more clothes, and produce a broken, wriggly rubber band.

I went apeshit.

After I stopped screeching, Jade looks at me and says, "Only you, Mom, and over a stupid rubber band."

"Hey, I'm still traumatized."

18 comments:

Kissa Starling said...

As usual you've got me laughing, Faith. hahaha

It was the ten pound workboots with Daisy dukes that did it! I can just tell how close you and your daughter are by reading this.

Why don't those darn critters stay outside?!

Kissa

Faith said...

Heh...if I could've found workboots that went to my hips I'd've been wearing those instead!

P.A.Brown said...

That's funny. Reminds me of when I lived in Hawaii and had a few run ins with the giant centipedes they have there. One bit me in bed and those suckers HURT let me tell you. When we saw one in the backyard that had to be a foot long I refused to sleep in bed anymore. I slept on the couch. I wouldn't shower either unless I first poured a pot of boiling water down the drain in case one was lurking there. Spiders, snakes, roaches, bees, don't bother me, but centipedes? Ask my brother how loud his sister can scream. His wife and him were visiting us. They got a hotel room the next day. LOL.

Cassie Exline said...

Don't blame you a bit. If I see a mouse I can reach octaves that would impress opera singers. lol

Debra Kayn said...

Heh...I've got a pair of hip waders I use for fishing if you want to borrow them! lol I hate spiders. *shudders*

I smiled through your story though, mom and daughter bonding...pretty darn cool.

Ms. Heather said...

LOL. And here I was complaining about the three tiny spiders dancing on the wall above my computer last night. One of them liked to dash toward me, slow, wait until I whapped at it with my flip-flop, then dart around the rest of the loop he paced so he could brag to his buddies. Third time around he paused a moment, saw the shoe coming then darted out of the way. I swear if his face had been bigger I would have seen him sticking his tongue out at me. I can't even deal with the little ones. You can keep your big critters!

Adelle Laudan said...

Shakes head... only you, Faith...only you...

Jude Mason said...

So, is the snake still in residence?

ROFLMAO!

Hugs

Lisa Griffin said...

LOL...at least it wasn't a snake, Faith. Be thankful. :) And at least you had help. I got stuck planting the huge garden spot all by myself today. Two other people here...and all by myself?! :(

Try doing it while having hot flashes. I ain't no happy camper. Hubby's grocery bill just may shoot to the moon! He wants help cutting cost...well he can help to. Grrrr!!

laura said...

Faith-
OMG! I don't care for snakes or spiders. Snakes weird me out, but spiders...they give me the ookie feeling, that feeling where there's a million of 'em crawling all over my skin. Eeehheeeheeeheeee. I've whacked enough spikers in my day. But when hubby came home from the desert and told me about the spiders out on the sand dunes...they have freaking necks and turn their heads to look at you...and they're as big as a dinner plate. That ain't no spider, that critter falls under the animal category.
Now the tiny ones, ain't no big thing. But when they run when I lift my foot to hit them...that weirds me out. How do they KNOW that's what I'm doing. Ehhhehehehhehhh.
Okay. Now I gotta do the ookie spider dance and rub my arms and legs.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
LOL
Hugs,
Laura

Anthology Authors said...

I'd say copperhead would scare me too. Remember, I was freaked at the thought of cockroaches falling out of the vent above our shower when we had that infestation. However, a spider, not so much. I'd be more inclined to try to get it on a piece of paper and take it outside, but I used to hold tarantulas. LOL

However, sticking my hand into the water and coming up with something I didn't know what, possibly a rubber band would get me going. I am sure if it had been Jade, she'd be singing a different tune. (grin)

Marci

Janice said...

Hump, spiders, I use to do house cleaning. I looked up while I was vacuuming and saw what I first thought was a toy spider on the wall.

Then it moved.

The damn thing was the length of my hand.

I pointed it our to the lady of the house, and she told me to kill it with the bristles of a broom. I didn't think it would work, but hey she was paying me.

I tried it the way she wanted and it dropped down and started to run. I reversed the broom and killed it with the handle.

It was the first time I got paid to kill a bug.

Janice~

Rae Lori said...

"Hold the phone. That sucker's got a body. No, I mean a REAL body. One with meat and taters on its bones."

ROFL!! Oh man, I'd SO freak out. I nearly fell out of my chair reading you and Jade's comments.

Faith said...

LOL, well, although we were a li'l freaked, we were still laughing about it too.

JerryR said...

Hey Faith. Like Kissa said, 'you got me with the Daisy Dukes, boots & T'
I'd love to see all your experience in one novel length book. Have you thought about you experiences & putting them in a novel length book"

Faith said...

Actually, I have Jerry, but I haven't written it yet because I often secondguess myself and wonder if anyone would be interested in reading it. My mother tells me the same thing about writing my life experience down, but...we'll see, lol.

Kimi said...

Too funny, Faith! I'd have been okay with the spider but the snake would have kept me out of the basement for life. Who needs to shower anyway, right?

Faith said...

Well, we found a small blacksnake down there the other day. I refused to set foot in the basement ever again until the hubby did something about it. Looks like there's a hole in our cellar wall...eek.