Saturday, 14 March 2009

Killer Birds, Insane Cats, and a Flying Dog



After today I am nuts.

About three nights a week I work at a local mom-and-pop carryout and closing time is 1 A.M. I'm constantly moving, lifting heavy boxes of glass beer bottles, slinging pizzas, etc. When I get home, I'm beat, but I'm usually too wired to go right to bed so often it's often 3 A.M. and I sleep in, especially if I have back-to-back shifts.

Only someone ALWAYS must call me at 8 A.M. or so and wake me up. I'm serious. It never fails. So, the hubby unplugged the phone because he had to work today and said for me to sleep in.

And so I'm snoozing away....

BAM! CRASH! BANG!

Thump, thump, thump, thump.... {sounded like a mini football team careening through the house.}

Eh...the three cats are playing. Rolls over and closes eyes.

CCCRRRRAASSSSSHHHH!

Shit!

I flung back the covers and leapt out of bed. Oh, wait. Must find robe. I padded out into the living room and kitchen, looked around, saw nothing. Cussing, I crawled back into bed.

BANG! CRASH! Flap-flap!

My eyes popped open. Flap-flap? Oh, shit that means only one thing!

I leapt out of bed--remembering my robe this time since I knew I was about to go into battle--and as I stumbled out into the living room again, something big and black dived at my head.

Hit the deck!

Swoosh! Flap-flap, flappity-flap!

A big blackbird was in the house. I finally cornered the darn thing in the kitchen window where it was bashing its wings like mad and beating it's head on the Plexiglass until it saw li'l Tweety birds encircling its skull. Finally getting it wrapped in a towel, I took it to the mudroom door and let it out.

On my way back into the kitchen--in coming! {Insert the sound of a fast and low flying airplane} Faith hit the deck again.

The cats roared their approval and gave chase. Buzz, my brown tabby, raced like a cheetah on crack. I could almost hear him shouting, "Gang way, get the hell out of my way. It's a bird! A big, fat bird and it's all mine! Mine I say! Move it or lose it Jersey (that's our chocolate labrador), that chickie baby's got my name on it!"

Buzz leapt through the air and moments before he made contact with the bird, the bird moved and Buzz's nose smashed against the picture window where he spun and shot like a rocket from the chair back through the--

Oh, shit! I dived to the side, the bird swooped through, and Buzz flies by, his paws a blur. "Mine! My bird! Touch my bird and die! Mine...!"

Grabbing my towel, I corralled bird #2 against the kitchen window and let it out.

Meanwhile, Shades, the black brother kitty on the block who wears a pink bling-bling collar pads out of the shower room. "Bro, what the hell's--"

SWOOSH!

Shade leapts onto the curtain in the hallway that keeps the cold air out of the kitchen. "BIRD!!! Dude, look at the bird! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gotta have bird!"

Buzz: "OH HELL NO! Mom's got the last two. Dat bird's mine!"

Faith: Shit, oh, shit, shit, shit...!"

Finally, I managed to catch bird #3.

Sigh....

About an hour later I'm sitting at my desk typing away and...{Insert low flying plane noise}

AARRGGHHH!!! I pushed back from my chair and hit the deck.

The bird hid. My girls and I looked for it for over and hour. Later, after a quick trip uptown, I stepped into my office only to have my hair skimmed by the blackbird. It swooped into the living room where Jersey, the chocolate lab, saw it. Well, being the bird dog that she is....

Oh! Bird! My bird! Mine, mine I say.

By this time, Radar, the third cat was into the picture. I grabbed a broom. The bird grabbed one of my champagne flutes and pitched it off the top video shelf.

That did it.

"Jersey! Get the bird!"

Ever see a big dog pretend it's a cat trying to catch a bird? Lemme tell ya, it's not a pretty sight, especially with two girls screaming, my four year old shouting and tripping me, me falling over the coffee table, and the dog trying to fly so it can catch the bird that by this time is contemplating a suicide mission into the picture window just to end the horror and drama.

I caught the bird.

Four down and how many to go? Lord help me!

36 comments:

Kissa Starling said...

Hahahahaa this is funny. Not to you, I'm sure but funny to read about. You have the funniest stories about animals! I love animals but your kind I can do without!


Kissa

Lisa Griffin said...

Hilarious, Faith. Sounds like you had fun this morning. Wish someone had thought to use a camcorder. Hehe!

Faith said...

Heh...I'm exhausted. Haven't even had a nap today, but by the time I caught bird #4, I was ready to have a chicken dinner. Grr!

Paul McDermott said...

roflmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can just about imagine the scene!
If only I had a videocamera, I've just seen something outside in my garden...
WWE fans will no doubt be familiar with stars such as Shawn Michaels climbing ladders and diving on opponents from a great height...
A squirrel in the middle of the lawn has just been attacked by one of the feral cats who prowl my garden. This one (a BIIIG ginger tom) launched himself from the top of a garden shed and caught said squirrel a perfect "flying elbow" which would have won ANY Tables-Ladders-and-Chairs match WWE would have been proud of the move .....!

Faith said...

LOL, I can see that too. I've raised cats for years and they are quite the acrobats and daredevils!

Pat said...

With tears streaming down my face,
I have to say, you've made my day.
Sounds like Murphy of the famous Law is messing with you big time.
I'd be figuring out how they got in and repairing it so they never get in again. Years from now you'll look back on this and have a good laugh. Today I'm sure all you care about is your missed sleep.

Tami said...

I don't know how you did it and kept your sanity. I would have been throwing cast iron pans by the 3rd bird! :)

WTG!

Dakota Trace said...

Oh my god! I feel for you. Working the overnight shift I know how that goes with all the interruptions...god and to have a wild critter in your house can drive even a well rested person insane. Here's to hoping no more blackbirds

Faith said...

Thanks all! It is now nearly 8 PM the following evening and I have yet to get some sleep. I'm to the point now where I'm too tired to sleep. Ugh!

Leah Vaughn said...

LMAO!!!! How funny!! Sorry about your mishap, but it maks a wonderful story.

Tess MacKall said...

Read like a Disney screenplay to me. Ever tried one? Sounds like you've got the right menagerie in place for it.

And I'm curious...how the hell did the birds get in the house?

Faith said...

We still haven't figured out that part yet, Tess. This is a very old farmhouse, but there has to be a hole or crack in the shower room somewhere because all 4 birds came out of there.

Gail said...

hey there! Wixer here! Funny story. Made my morning! And when you get some sleep, you'll think it's funny, too. And well written. I can just see the cats..."MINE, MINE!"

Gail said...

oh, btw, couldn't get here from your link at your MySpace blog...got an error "link has been disabled, maybe spam". I just typed in the basic URL and got here.

Faith said...

Hi Wixer! Wonderful to see you here!!!

Anthology Authors said...

This is hilarious, Faith. Maybe not right now, but it will be in a week/month/year or so. Of course, you have such a great way of relating these stories.

Marci

Faith said...

I giggle about it a li'l bit, but right now I'm just trying to catch up on the sleep I've missed.

Robert J said...

Wow We! I must say, a job well done girl! How in the heck did them little birdies get in the house in the first place? It is fu---nny! I hope you find it a little more restful tonight.

Faith said...

We still haven't figured out how the birds got in. No birdies today, though, lol.

Myst Bloodstone said...

That was the funniest thing I've read in ages! I had the family standing around me asking "WTH is so funny?" All I could do was point and laugh harder. I know your pain. We have a cat & a pit bull, and they were after a mouse at the same time one day. Can you say chaos??

Amelia said...

Faith,
Love your story, when you're not sleep deprived you'll find it hilarious.
If your bathroom has a laundry chute, check to see if it is open to your attic, then check your attic to see where any openings are. We had a similiar problem, with other things.

M.E Ellis said...

Oh my goodness. I'd have pooped myself. I can't handle birds. The last time one flew through my house, I went screaming to a neighbour. She couldn't catch it either, so we both went screaming to another neighbour.

Thankfully, neighbour #3 is a major animal lover and could have dealt with the bird, but it went to fly out the closed back door, headbutted the glass, and fell on the floor. Dead.

I can't even pick them up like that.

The other week, my older male cat tried to errr, 'do the rudies' with my female kitten. In the living room, in full view of everyone. He got a smacked ass, and I sent him outside.

So, because he'd been naughty, he caught us a starling, killed it, and left it on the patio.

Nice.

Anyway, a couple of days later, bird still there, my younger boy kitten (the one who died) decided he'd quite like to fling the bird around for a bit.

Now, I have a stable door as my back door and I smoke with my arm out of the top half. Kitty is flinging the bird around, then decides I might like to have it, so he jumped, bird in mouth, up at the door.

I squealed, dropped my ciggy outside, and shuddered at the feel of wet, dead bird feathers on my arm. I called kitty a nasty name beginning with B and preceded by 'little', brought my arm back in, and shut the top half of the door.

Ugh. Can we say freaked? I like bird watching, but if any come near me, that's it. I'm fit for the funny farm.

:o)

Faith said...

Only you, Emmy, lolol...only you!

Maryann Miller said...

What a hoot, Faith. Your life is anything but dull. And here I was pissing and moaning because my cat woke me at 6:30 this AM by leaping on the headboard - bookcase style - and knocking books on my head. That is like soooo boring compared to what you and Emmy have experienced, but as much as I like my sleep, I think I'll take boring.

Faith said...

LOL, I'd love to get some decent sleep, but you're right. Too much chaos going on in this household!

Isis™ said...

ROFLOL!

You should have let the cats at em. Next time get the video recorder.

LaVerne

Maurya said...

Poor deprived kitties! They just wanted to have some fun...who do you think let the birds in? The kitties wanted some excitement-LOL!

Maurya

Faith said...

Hi Maurya. We never did find out how the birds got in the house. Still scratching our heads over that one.

Teresa D'Amario said...

I agree - next time just get the camera and let the dog and cats at 'em. OH, but make sure you have spare curtains and glass windows to replace the damage. But it's ok,,, you can enter funniest home videos and win a fortune. LOL.

Jaime Samms said...

Seriously. How the hell do you have four birds in your house? ON THE SAME DAY!!!???!!!

*Backs away from Faith's life* I'm guessing you're not an animal whisperer.

I love reading your stories. it always makes my life seem so...normal. Sane.

I hate to even think what this house would be like with three cats going after a bird. O.O

M.E Ellis said...

LMFAO @ Jaime's sane comment.

:O)

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