Saturday, 14 March 2009

Killer Birds, Insane Cats, and a Flying Dog

After today I am nuts.

About three nights a week I work at a local mom-and-pop carryout and closing time is 1 A.M. I'm constantly moving, lifting heavy boxes of glass beer bottles, slinging pizzas, etc. When I get home, I'm beat, but I'm usually too wired to go right to bed so often it's often 3 A.M. and I sleep in, especially if I have back-to-back shifts.

Only someone ALWAYS must call me at 8 A.M. or so and wake me up. I'm serious. It never fails. So, the hubby unplugged the phone because he had to work today and said for me to sleep in.

And so I'm snoozing away....


Thump, thump, thump, thump.... {sounded like a mini football team careening through the house.}

Eh...the three cats are playing. Rolls over and closes eyes.



I flung back the covers and leapt out of bed. Oh, wait. Must find robe. I padded out into the living room and kitchen, looked around, saw nothing. Cussing, I crawled back into bed.

BANG! CRASH! Flap-flap!

My eyes popped open. Flap-flap? Oh, shit that means only one thing!

I leapt out of bed--remembering my robe this time since I knew I was about to go into battle--and as I stumbled out into the living room again, something big and black dived at my head.

Hit the deck!

Swoosh! Flap-flap, flappity-flap!

A big blackbird was in the house. I finally cornered the darn thing in the kitchen window where it was bashing its wings like mad and beating it's head on the Plexiglass until it saw li'l Tweety birds encircling its skull. Finally getting it wrapped in a towel, I took it to the mudroom door and let it out.

On my way back into the kitchen--in coming! {Insert the sound of a fast and low flying airplane} Faith hit the deck again.

The cats roared their approval and gave chase. Buzz, my brown tabby, raced like a cheetah on crack. I could almost hear him shouting, "Gang way, get the hell out of my way. It's a bird! A big, fat bird and it's all mine! Mine I say! Move it or lose it Jersey (that's our chocolate labrador), that chickie baby's got my name on it!"

Buzz leapt through the air and moments before he made contact with the bird, the bird moved and Buzz's nose smashed against the picture window where he spun and shot like a rocket from the chair back through the--

Oh, shit! I dived to the side, the bird swooped through, and Buzz flies by, his paws a blur. "Mine! My bird! Touch my bird and die! Mine...!"

Grabbing my towel, I corralled bird #2 against the kitchen window and let it out.

Meanwhile, Shades, the black brother kitty on the block who wears a pink bling-bling collar pads out of the shower room. "Bro, what the hell's--"


Shade leapts onto the curtain in the hallway that keeps the cold air out of the kitchen. "BIRD!!! Dude, look at the bird! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gotta have bird!"

Buzz: "OH HELL NO! Mom's got the last two. Dat bird's mine!"

Faith: Shit, oh, shit, shit, shit...!"

Finally, I managed to catch bird #3.


About an hour later I'm sitting at my desk typing away and...{Insert low flying plane noise}

AARRGGHHH!!! I pushed back from my chair and hit the deck.

The bird hid. My girls and I looked for it for over and hour. Later, after a quick trip uptown, I stepped into my office only to have my hair skimmed by the blackbird. It swooped into the living room where Jersey, the chocolate lab, saw it. Well, being the bird dog that she is....

Oh! Bird! My bird! Mine, mine I say.

By this time, Radar, the third cat was into the picture. I grabbed a broom. The bird grabbed one of my champagne flutes and pitched it off the top video shelf.

That did it.

"Jersey! Get the bird!"

Ever see a big dog pretend it's a cat trying to catch a bird? Lemme tell ya, it's not a pretty sight, especially with two girls screaming, my four year old shouting and tripping me, me falling over the coffee table, and the dog trying to fly so it can catch the bird that by this time is contemplating a suicide mission into the picture window just to end the horror and drama.

I caught the bird.

Four down and how many to go? Lord help me!