Back-to-School Shopping or Choking the Idiot in Aisle 5

What is it about holidays, big town events, sales, and back-to-school shopping that brings the worst out in people? How does a nice day of shopping as you say, “Wow, this is neat!” or “Honey, try this pretty dress on.” turn into a spat in the cereal aisle with the lady who has buns as wide as a two-lane highway? Or an argument of “Hey buddy! That backpack is mine! Drop it or lose some fingers!”

Cough-cough! My apologies (not!) for my sarcasm. One of the things about the back-to-school season I could do without is the crazy people running around. Besides, I’d rather spend my time writing in the quiet (Bwahaha! Forgot for a moment I have kids!) comfort of my home.

Once, while sorting through zippered binders for the style the teachers put on the list (I will not bitch about school supply lists, I will not bitch about school supply lists, I will not bitch about....), a shopper had the nerve to whisper to her dau, “I can’t get the pink binder because that woman his holding it and refuses to move.”

A)   I didn’t even know she was there until she spoke.

B)   Common courtesy goes a long way. Just say, “Excuse me, can I sort through those, too?”

C)   Throwing the pink binder at her like a projectile missile can clear an aisle in 2.2 seconds flat.

No, I didn’t really do that...well, I did do it to a math teacher once. If she hadn’t ducked she would’ve had the words ‘Math 101’ imprinted on her forehead.

Anyhoo, school-shopping craziness always fractures my muse. It has a big crack running down the middle of it. However, my hubby always says I’m naturally half-cracked but that’s beside the point.

Anyone have any Super Glue?

Ahem.

But as I grow older and the economy steadily turns to pure poo, I’ve been noticing my temper grows shorter and shorter as well as bigger and ‘holy hell, run! That woman’s loose again!’

I can’t help it. It just seems like people get nastier, ruder, and more inconsiderate each and every day. I suppose they’re stressed, too. And I suppose, just like me, they’re worrying about every penny they spend as they try to keep food in the house, gas in their vehicles, and all their monthly bills paid.

Still...that thought doesn’t prevent me from trying to choke the life out of the bastard in the men’s department. All I wanted was a pack of underwear for my hubby. If you try to take something out of my buggy that I intend to buy, you run the risk of having said buggy driven right up your back alley. When the store manager arrived to pull me off of him tightening a tie off the rack around his neck, I told him I was only trying to teach that poor, dear man how to fix the knot.

Then the manager pointed at the camera above us.

Damn.

No, no...I didn’t do that either, lamo, but I did get rather furious at some chick I discovered riffling through my buggy once for something she wanted because I’d gotten the last one off the shelf. These dark ol’ Indian eyes can get a message across faster than a text message.

Seriously, though, I seldom say anything to anyone who has balls enough to be exceedingly rude or even mean out in public. I get my point across with just a look. My two daughters tell me it goes right through a person and h/she doesn’t know whether to run or reach for the pepper spray.

I hate grocery shopping. I detest back-to-school shopping. Oh, and don’t even get me started on Christmas shopping.

There are major benefits to buying online and having it shipped to your home. Just make sure the idiots don’t get packaged with my purchases—or it’s on! ☺

Rude Isn’t the Word for It

Prepare yourselves. I’m about to cut loose with one of my famous rants.

Why?

I was stupid and went out on government check day which was also Good Friday.

Now, I truly realize why gov check days are so hectic. People on any sort of fixed income are out of everything by the time their next deposit or check arrives, so they rush out to buy what they need. They also pay bills that day, fill their cars up with gas, and so on. This is why I avoid doing my shopping during the first of each month. This particular time of the month turns everyone into raving lunatics—myself included when I have to deal with the anal behavior of said people.

All I had to do was go into Save A Lot and then Riesbecks, our local family-owned grocery chain.

Simple, right?

Wrong!

My two youngest were with me on Good Friday. I warned them that it would be busy and to stay close and not lollygag. They helped me in the store, and before I knew it, we were done with our shopping. I thought, wow, this didn’t take long and it wasn’t crowded at all.

That was until we started toward the front of the store to check out. People suddenly came out of the woodwork. It was like flipping on a light and watching cockroaches scatter in every direction. I stood there thinking, did someone shout “free money!” at the front of the store or what?

Worse, they were all elderly folks and another couple who were stupid like me and went out on the wrong day.

Steeling myself for the worst, I approached the check-out—and only one was open, of course. An elderly couple stood there finishing up their order. The conveyor belt was empty. Let me repeat: EMPTY.

I started putting my groceries on the counter halfway back from them so I wouldn’t disturb them or make them feel like I was trying to push them out of the queue. The old man shoved in between me and his wife who was paying for their stuff. He kept shooting me dirty looks.

Then is wife takes out a check book. Lord have mercy and give me strength. I kid you not, it took her ten minutes—count ‘em, ten!—to write out a personal check, when, I might add, the register had the auto-print feature. All she had to do was sign her name, but no, she stood there ten minutes writing the check out. What took her so long? I have no idea unless she writes that slowly or she didn’t have her glasses.

The elderly gent then began pushing backwards, sticking his rear out slightly in an effort to force me back.

Okay. That did it. I’m all for respecting my elders, and I adore elderly people, I really do; however, blatant rudeness? Hell no! But what got me is my mouth. I controlled it…for once. I nearly killed me, but I did it!

However, the urge to snap, “Move it or lose it, Grandpa!” almost made my teeth explode.

I glanced at the cashier, and it must’ve been the look on her face but she in turn glanced at the old man, a strange expression of “Oh, sh**” on her face, and motioned for him to move. Surprisingly, he did.

And because they took so long to write a check and refused to move so the line could advance, said line was backed into the food aisle! They had to open two more registers.

Okay, deep breath. I can do this. I can buy my groceries, pack them, load them in my Blazer, and get the hell out of Dodge before I lose my ever lovin’ mind.

Well, it wasn’t quite so easy. Save A Lot doesn’t carry our brand of coffee, so I had to drive a few yards up the strip to Riesbeck’s. The kids waited in the Blazer for me. After all, I was just running in for coffee, right?

Fifteen minutes later, I staggered out of the store and fell into the driver’s seat.

“What took you so long, Mommy?” Wee Man asked.

One woman was having a fit at the 8 Items or Less register because she was told she had to buy four of the sale items she wanted to get two free. So the stock boy drove to freaking Alaska to check the shelf and got lost on the way back!

Pant-pant!

So I move to the 10 Items or Less register, where another woman’s total came to $37.06. No, no! Don’t do it! Woman, I command you to hand her another dollar bill—but no! She digs in her wallet for five wonderful hair-pulling minutes for a nickel and a dime!

Pant-pant! Oh, but it gets better!

Since Wendy’s is at the end of the parking lot, I buzzed through the drive-through and got the kids sandwiches. On the way out, the one entrance farthest away was busy, so I went back through the entrance that leads into Riesbeck’s lot to exit that way. It’s a three-way stop with two stop signs within ten yards of each other, followed by either turning left to go out the proper exit where there’s a right-hand turning lane, or go straight into the parking lot. I stopped at the one sign, then stopped at the next, and sat there to make my left-hand turn to the third sign…and sat there…and sat there….

Elderly people were leaving the lot and would not let me out. Hello? Does right of way mean nothing to anyone? It has been my turn to go next for five minutes now. Hey, lady! Do you know what the brake is? You jerk! You don’t get in the damn right-hand turning lane to turn left! Finally, my turn! I edge out beyond the sign and—WHOOSH! This old woman with blue hair and who could barely see over the steering wheel, driving an SUV worth every bit $40K, left a trail of fire behind her to cut EVERYONE off and make it to the exit.

After I sat there for minutes on end, I let loose with a string of expletives and mashed the gas peddle, weaving and bobbing, baby! Weaving and bobbing!

Oh, and the air over the parking lot was a lovely shade of sapphire blue.

But I had to cross the entire lot and exit through the service entrance because no one would let me out at the stop sign so I could exit the normal route.

By the time I got home, I stuffed groceries wherever I could find room and then crashed into my chair utterly frazzled.

I’m buying a taser to use in the stores AND a big monster truck with a cattle catcher on the front of it for those rude-beyond-comprehension ijits in parking lots.

Anyone else enjoy a day out on Friday? Hmm?

The Last Loaf of Bread

I guess everyone here knows that I had to deal with a major winter storm these past few days. Still dealing with it actually. My yard looks like an ice rink and the trees are absolutely gorgeous in all their crystalline glory. It’s definitely a winter wonderland—a fairy world.

But it has its drawbacks for sure.

The kids were out of school Mon, Tues, and Wed. Went back today on a two-hour delay for the middle school kid. And for the college kid—she had to brave the early morning black ice for an 8 a.m. class.

My middle schooler kept fussing and basically trashing the school district saying the roads weren’t safe—what’s wrong with these people?—don’t they want us to be safe? Etc etc etc. LOL Of course, we all know he didn’t really give a rat’s ass; school was simply interfering with him sleeping late and then getting on X Box. Secretly, I truly enjoyed this morning. I’d been dealing with him since Friday in this house and it hasn’t been an absolute joy.

So this morning I took him to school and dealt with the long stretches of icy roads in order to drop him off so he could be counted present. You see, he won’t have any actual core classes today; he’ll be in all encore classes—meaning music and gym and piano, etc. They do that on short days. And while I think he needs those classes, he needs math, science, English, and social studies more.

There does seem to be some truth to part of his rant this morning. The school really isn’t that concerned about teaching as much as they are just getting them there. It’s got a lot to do with their contracts and when they run out each summer and such for sure. No one wants to go too much over the end of the year that is set on the calendar. Neither do I. And my kid thinks that the snow days are indeed an act of God and it's God telling everyone no one should be in school that day, and therefore no student should have to make them up. Yeah. He does.

Anyway, he’s in school. But I was sitting here this morning thinking about all of the issues I had to deal with in preparation for this storm. The first thing, of course, was to make sure we had ample food and an alternative heating source.

So I went to the grocery store and stocked up on everything we would need for a four or five day snow/ice siege. We weren’t expecting the icy mess until noonish on Monday so I thought I was getting a good jumpstart on things by going on Sunday instead of Monday morning when the forecast for what was actually coming our way would be more reliable. Boy was I wrong.

The grocery store was packed. But without any choice, I grabbed a cart and entered the hoard of shoppers. My first stop was produce and the area was well stocked. No problems there. So I got some oranges and white grapes that were on sale. The aisle you hit first after the produce is the bread aisle. Well, there were several people on the aisle and there seemed to be plenty of bread. I leaned in between these two ladies who were chatting and plucked two loaves from the shelf.

Uhhhh…bad move apparently. Those two ladies turned to me and one of them said, “You got the last two loaves.” I smiled and looked at the shelf and said, “No, there’s plenty more.” She said, “Not of that brand.” I said, “Well, guess someone will have to substitute with another brand. I’ve had to do that before.” She said, “But the other brands are more expensive.”

At that point I got the feeling I needed to move on. But I didn’t want to leave with someone feeling like I was a mean person or anything, so I said, “I’ll be happy to give you one of these loaves and take one of the more expensive brands if that would help.” To which she replied in an uppity tone and her nose in the air, hand on hip. “I can afford the more expensive loaf.”

At that point I blinked a couple of times. WTF? Her companion looked down at the floor when I looked at her. I just held up my hand and smiled and pushed my cart down the airle and away from those two. Something was definitely off there. Hmmm…

I got over to the meat section and thought, well, hell, we will be without power some of the time so don’t need a lot of meat to have to store in the freezer. But I decided to do hamburgers that night—something simple so I could get back to what I needed to do on the computer before my life went to hell and I had to be without any contact with the outside world. Actually, I had a roast in the roaster at that moment. Wanted to make sure I got a few things cooked and ready.

I reached for a pack of hamburger meat. Oh shit. A woman was dead on my six. “Hey, is that all they’ve got?” I turned and stared into two of the beadiest eyes that ever belonged to a woman. I swear.

“Looks like it,” I said. She said, “They ought to take into account that people are going to need more today. I had my heart set on hamburgers tonight. I’ve got so damn much to do.”
She looked down at me—yeah, she was a tall woman—I’m short. I handed the pack to her and said, “I can cook something else. Be my guest.” She smiled, said, “Thanks.” Took MY MEAT and hightailed it up the aisle. I pushed the button for the damn butcher. He came out and I asked him if he had more hamburger meat. He said, “Yes, ma’am. Just getting ready to put it out.” I waited about two minutes and low and behold the hamburger section was replenished. Hmmm…

Next I turned to go down the drink aisle. But I backed the eff up. Too many people on that aisle for sure. No way. Headed over to cereal. Picked up a couple of boxes, and then made my way to milk. Now on the way I’m thinking…”who am I gonna have to kill for milk?”

Well, got there and there were several people standing around. I reached over, grabbed a gallon of skim and set it down in my cart. It’s like this, I wasn’t going to give up my milk. No way. So a man speaks up and says, “Oh, that’s where the skim was. I can’t find anything in all of this milk.” I smiled and pushed my cart away, but heard him say to my backside, “And, of course, she’d get the last gallon of skim. My wife is going to kill me.”

Oh well…I’ll give up hamburger and bread, but not skim milk. Ya gotta draw the line somewhere people. And mine was drawn. Nice only goes so far. Good Samaritan status might gain me brownie points at the Pearly Gates, but damned if MY KID is gonna get water poured over his Frosted Flakes!

I finally got everything I needed, but during the course of my shopping, one thing just kept bugging me to no end. SLOW PEOPLE. You KNOW who I’m talking about. Those people who park their asses cross ways in the aisles talking and debating on this product or that and have all the time in the world to do it—SEE YOU COMING—and don’t budge an inch. I mean these assholes will actually look you in the eye, KNOW you can’t get by them and keep right on talking and never even TRY to move their cart to the side. WTF? I must have said “excuse me” twenty or thirty times that day.

So I get up to the register and the line is down the aisles, of course. Only four registers out of fifteen in the store open. What’s the point of all those brand spanking new registers if no one ever operates them? Huh? Just tell me. Please. I think I was number eight in line. So after about thirty minutes of standing there…yeah, that long…I’m next in line and some woman…yeah, this actually happened. A woman walked up with her twelve pack of beer and pack of HAMBURGER MEAT and her kid with one of those little baskets you walk around with when you don’t have much to buy and put her big damn ugly BEADY ASS EYED SELF in front of me.

CAN YOU SAY: RUMBLE AT THE LOCAL FOOD LION????????????

Oh no. She did NOT do that. Oh HELL NO. I gave her the effing hamburger meat, what else does she want from me. Thinks I’m easy pickin’s huh? Gonna bully my ass, huh?

NOPE.

I said, “Excuse me. I’m in line.”

She said, “I only have a few items.”

I said, “I know, but that’s not my problem. I’ve been standing in line almost thirty minutes and have no more time to give. I often allow people in front of me with less than I have but not today. It’s not fair to all of those in line behind me either.”

I started putting my stuff on the conveyer. She kept standing there. I looked up at her and said, “Excuse me” and sort of moved in so my body was blocking the conveyer and kept loading up. Now the bag boy—sweet guy, talk to him often—was taking all this in. He grabbed the microphone and called for a manager.

Beady Eye backed off and went to the end of the line. I turned around and saw everyone behind me grinning and nodding.

Yep, ya gotta draw the line somewhere. Even if it means shedding a little blood.

On a more positive note, Black Cougar Curse, the book I co-authored with the uber-talented Natalie Dae http://nataliedae.blogspot.com, AKA, Sarah Masters, will release on January 26th from Ellora's Cave. Hope everyone here checks it out. http://www.jasminejade.com/ps-9014-50-black-cougar-curse.aspx

Hugs to all…and pray for summer!

http://tessmackall.com