What type of shopper are you?

As I shopped with my mother over the weekend, I realized the two of us are different types of shoppers. As much as I love my mom, as shoppers, we are not compatible. (G) There are six types of shoppers: Extractors, Browsers, Consensus Takers, and combinations of all three.

What is an Extractor? What are the "symptoms," as it were? (Is shopping a disease? It depends on whom you talk to.) An extractor does the following things:

1. Prepares a list
2. Knows exactly where they are going and where to find the items on their list
3. Gathers everything as quickly as possible
4. Purchases only what is on their list
5. Gets the hell out of Dodge

Now, I must admit to occasionally buying more than what is on my list and--gasp--even browsing, especially when I'm hungry. (A very bad time to go grocery shopping is when I'm hungry. Grin) However, most of the time, I am an Extractor. I'm in and out as quickly as possible.

Browsers, on the other hand, exhibit the following symptoms:

1. They keep a mental list in their head
2. They go to the store
3. They find one item on that mental list, but they are distracted by all the choices and must go up and down every single fucking aisle in the entire store until the Extractor who is with them is ready to kill somebody. (Pant, pant)
4. Two and a half hours later, they are ready to stand in line at the grocery store
5. They pay for their items, but just as they leave, they see something else they must have. By this time, the Extractor has filed their nails to a point and can be found climbing the walls and possibly hanging onto the ceiling. Their eyes have turned feral, and they are nearly hyperventilating with frustration.

Consensus Takers:

1. They go with a list, but must consult with someone else, usually everyone who is with them, before buying. If no one is with them, they will call someone to confer. If they can't get a hold of anyone, they will ask fellow shoppers. They are often convinced by people with samples to buy their products.
2. They will return home with a lot of shit they didn't need, much to the irritation of an Extractor.

Now, to be fair, even Extractors impulse buy from samples. (G)

The other three... Well, the thought of them gives me a nervous tic. I'll let you combine the symptoms for yourself.

My mother sees herself as an Extractor. She is not. Not remotely. She does write a list. She'll buy everything on that list, but she will also browse, AND she will try to reel you into her shopping madness by using the Consensus Taker ploy of asking your opinion. (Aaaaahhhhh!) Honestly, she means well. She wants to please, and I do appreciate that. And I have no desire to spend four hours grocery shopping. (Twitch... Twitch... Twitch...) LOL I am sure it is just as hard on her as me. Finally, at the third store and three hours later, I returned to the car where I started typing this post with my thumbs on my phone. (I am not kidding. LOL)

As I've said, I love my mother. We just aren't compatible when it comes to shopping. I think she enjoys shopping, any kind of shopping. To me, most of the time, it's just a means to an end. Oh, I enjoy finding that perfect gift. I just like to find it sooner rather than later. (G)

Did I mention Charlie, my husband, is the same as my mother? Imagine our trips to Costco. Hahahahahaha... Groan... It's one of my least favorite monthly shopping trips. (G) He loves it and can't wait to go down every aisle and try every sample. Oh, God, deliver me! ;)

So, what's your shopping MO? And are your loved ones compatible or incompatible like mine? (G)

Trash to Treasure

S.J. Drum/J.T. Fairfield

Help us welcome S.J. Drum/J.T. Fairfield.

~ ~ ~

Because most of us will soon be dodging carts and elbows during Black Friday shopping, I’ve found myself thinking about gifts. Not just for Christmas, but any gift giving occasion.

We all remember receiving some sort of majorly disastrous gift as a child. The things which seemed to lurk under the Christmas tree or appear on the gift table at a birthday party as if the devil himself put them there just to ruin our day. Socks. The requisite toothbrush placed in a stocking. The one gift which consisted of a Dollar Store plastic change purse filled with quarters. WTF am I supposed to do with this?! My fifteen-year-old mind would rage.

The curious thing is how our views change over the years as to these previous Debbie Downer gifts. Now, I’m 29 and have two children of my own.

I ASK for socks on my Christmas list. Know why? ‘Cause I would never go to the store and pay $20 for the good socks just for myself. I end up buying a couple packs of the incredibly cheap socks about every two years. Regretfully, these cheap socks only last six months and they feel like sandpaper inside tennis shoes. I spend an entire year wearing no socks at all because I refuse to shell out the money to buy more. So, I ask for socks as gifts. And to make it real special, I ask for the good ones. Nike, Adidas. The kind of socks that are so soft and smooth it feels like clouds are giving my toes a hug.

A change purse full of quarters? Shi-it… I could eat, like, a week’s worth of meals with that kind of smack. It won’t be healthy, but I can (and will) do it.

I also totally appreciate the toothbrush in my stocking. It’s a Spinbrush and now I know they cost like twelve freakin’ bucks and I’ll never pay that much for one for myself on a regular shopping trip. I’d brush my teeth with a washcloth and baking soda before spending that kind of cash on a toothbrush, but da-amn Spinbrushes are sweet.

The one gift I now receive without fail, but never received as a child because someone would have gone to jail if I had been given one, is a tattoo. Every Mother’s Day, my husband and my mother pool resources and pay for whatever new tattoo it is I’m dying to have etched into my flesh. Again, I’d rather spend my money on things for the kids or the house so body art is a special occasion occurrence only.

What are some of the gifts you used to hate but now look forward to? Is there something, like my Mother’s Day tattoos, which you look forward to all year long?

Speaking of tattoos, check out my new series, The Sinful South, published through Ellora’s Cave’s PRICKED line featuring tattooed characters. Sinful Southern Ink, first in the series, released in July. Sinful Southern Hero, second in the series, is a full-length novel which should release in the Spring in paperback and e-book.

I’ve also recently released my very first GLBT Upper YA Dark Urban Fantasy, CAGED IN MYTH, under the pen name J.T. Fairfield.  

*Warning! This Upper YA title contains cursing, graphic violence, and references to sex.*

The Bayou Zoo, where magic is real, the beasts are deadly, and a bad day at work can literally mean the end of the world.

Octavian Julius McKellter— “Jay” to everyone who doesn’t want a punch in the face— struggles with keeping the secrets of his supernatural community and his own secret...he's gay. Throw in a dose of danger, deceit, and Louisiana heat, and you'll find yourself CAGED IN MYTH.

Find Caged in Myth on Goodreads, Amazon, Smashwords, Kobo, B&N.

Find S.J. Drum/J.T. Fairfield on Facebook, Author’s Website, Author’s Blog, Goodreads.

Back-to-School Shopping or Choking the Idiot in Aisle 5

What is it about holidays, big town events, sales, and back-to-school shopping that brings the worst out in people? How does a nice day of shopping as you say, “Wow, this is neat!” or “Honey, try this pretty dress on.” turn into a spat in the cereal aisle with the lady who has buns as wide as a two-lane highway? Or an argument of “Hey buddy! That backpack is mine! Drop it or lose some fingers!”

Cough-cough! My apologies (not!) for my sarcasm. One of the things about the back-to-school season I could do without is the crazy people running around. Besides, I’d rather spend my time writing in the quiet (Bwahaha! Forgot for a moment I have kids!) comfort of my home.

Once, while sorting through zippered binders for the style the teachers put on the list (I will not bitch about school supply lists, I will not bitch about school supply lists, I will not bitch about....), a shopper had the nerve to whisper to her dau, “I can’t get the pink binder because that woman his holding it and refuses to move.”

A)   I didn’t even know she was there until she spoke.

B)   Common courtesy goes a long way. Just say, “Excuse me, can I sort through those, too?”

C)   Throwing the pink binder at her like a projectile missile can clear an aisle in 2.2 seconds flat.

No, I didn’t really do that...well, I did do it to a math teacher once. If she hadn’t ducked she would’ve had the words ‘Math 101’ imprinted on her forehead.

Anyhoo, school-shopping craziness always fractures my muse. It has a big crack running down the middle of it. However, my hubby always says I’m naturally half-cracked but that’s beside the point.

Anyone have any Super Glue?

Ahem.

But as I grow older and the economy steadily turns to pure poo, I’ve been noticing my temper grows shorter and shorter as well as bigger and ‘holy hell, run! That woman’s loose again!’

I can’t help it. It just seems like people get nastier, ruder, and more inconsiderate each and every day. I suppose they’re stressed, too. And I suppose, just like me, they’re worrying about every penny they spend as they try to keep food in the house, gas in their vehicles, and all their monthly bills paid.

Still...that thought doesn’t prevent me from trying to choke the life out of the bastard in the men’s department. All I wanted was a pack of underwear for my hubby. If you try to take something out of my buggy that I intend to buy, you run the risk of having said buggy driven right up your back alley. When the store manager arrived to pull me off of him tightening a tie off the rack around his neck, I told him I was only trying to teach that poor, dear man how to fix the knot.

Then the manager pointed at the camera above us.

Damn.

No, no...I didn’t do that either, lamo, but I did get rather furious at some chick I discovered riffling through my buggy once for something she wanted because I’d gotten the last one off the shelf. These dark ol’ Indian eyes can get a message across faster than a text message.

Seriously, though, I seldom say anything to anyone who has balls enough to be exceedingly rude or even mean out in public. I get my point across with just a look. My two daughters tell me it goes right through a person and h/she doesn’t know whether to run or reach for the pepper spray.

I hate grocery shopping. I detest back-to-school shopping. Oh, and don’t even get me started on Christmas shopping.

There are major benefits to buying online and having it shipped to your home. Just make sure the idiots don’t get packaged with my purchases—or it’s on! ☺