The Perils of Antibacterial Soap

Recently I got new glasses and contacts. Now this is the first time I’ve ever worn contacts, and when the allergens are NOT driving me insane and mucking them up, I love my contacts.

Anyone who has worn contact lenses knows you should wash your hands well before putting them in or taking them out. If you don’t, you can get all sorts of microscopic nasties in your eyes. Anyway, the other day I was getting ready to do some housework, and since my glasses irk the pee out of me by sliding around on my nose when I’m busy, I washed my hands with the antibacterial soap I keep in the bathroom, dried them, and inserted the first contact lens.

Hmm, that stung a li’l bit.

Second contact was inside out, so I had to pause a moment and flip it around. I popped it in my eye and…

Oh, hell, that stings….

No, no! That burns!

Dang that burns A LOT!

Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink…

I quit blinking. That should do it.

Hell, no! It still burns! So I start blinking again, tears are pouring, and I'm worrying the contact will flush out of my eye and land on the sink or on the floor.

Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink…

By that time, the burning stopped. Well, sort of.

However, my nose was running so darn bad I thought I was going to have to put on my Sketchers Shape-Ups and chase the darn thing down.

Lunch time, so I headed to the kitchen with my nose still running. Sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff…

Scrounging for something to eat, I found shells and cheese, but they needed some milk and cheese added. I got out a jar of soft cheese, scooped some out, put it in the noodles, but got some on my fingers.

Well, I did what any normal person would do. I stuck my finger in my mouth to lick off the cheese.

B.L.E.C.H!!!

YUCK!

OMG, that tasted horrible!

No wonder my eyes stung like crazy when I put my contact lenses in. My finger tasted like antibacterial soap. I hadn’t gotten all the soap washed off my hands.

Lesson well learned.

And lemme tell ya, the taste of antibacterial soap is a bitch to get out of your mouth. I even rinsed my mouth with burnt coffee—no, let’s not go there, long story—and that didn’t even help.

So then I had the taste of soap AND burnt coffee in my mouth.

Anyone got some cinnamon candy disks or gum?

"Well, today's going to be great, Mum..."

“Well, today’s going to be great, Mum.”

That’s what my fifteen-year-old son said this morning when he came into the living room, bleary-eyed and dressed only in his pj bottoms.

Oh good, I thought, at least someone’s going to have a nice day, because so far, mine’s been a pile of shit—literally. (Explanation in a minute if you can bear it.)

“No, I’m being sarcastic,” he said.

“Oh, right, what’s happened then?”

“I was half asleep and sat on the toilet, didn’t realise the lid was down, and slapped my balls on it.”

Yes, we’re very open in our house about stuff like this.

“Oh dear,” I said.

“And I’ve also got my jabs today, so it’s going to be really great…”

He has his teenage inoculations at school today, so he hasn’t been looking forward to it. Naturally.

So, he went off to get breakfast, my youngest son was cracking the hell up at his brother’s sore balls, and I sat here thinking my day hadn’t been too good thus far either—and if our lives are governed today by problems to do with the toilet, I want no more of it.

1. I woke with the headache I went early to bed with—don’t you just HATE it when that happens?—and told myself I must give in and visit the opticians. Working on this computer for 12+ hours a day for the past few years has been taking its toll on the old eyesight.

2. I woke with the shits, terrible tummy pains preceding any expulsion from my body, and I can only blame the lamb kebab I ate last night.

3. I woke looking like a trog. Bags under my eyes, pronounced wrinkles, and thinking I need to earn enough money to get a facelift. Also liposuction, a tit job, and stomach-pouch removal. My body isn’t what it used to be and I’m really pissed off with the way it keeps doing these horrible things without asking my permission. Like sagging and gaining ravines. I have a new yoga DVD that I wanted to try this morning in an effort to tone up, but considering the way the day has started, I dare not attempt it. I might tie myself in a fucking knot and remain that way all day, alone on the floor until someone comes home, finds me there, glances at me nonchalantly and asks, “What’s for dinner?”

Now that would really put the icing on my cake for today.

4. Once the boys left for school, I visited the toilet again, only to find I’d sat with my top’s waist-tie thingy dangling down the shitter. A change of top later, I managed to get my smallest to school, only to discover I’d left her water bottle at home. No biggie, but still, it pissed me off.

5. I left the school to be gawped at by the male variety of our species. What’s with men seeing a denim mini-skirt and ogling? I’m wearing it over my LEGGINGS for fuck’s sake, hardly bloody sexy. I thought the words pervert, arsehole, I just saw your wife in class, and walked to our little shop.

Inside, I noticed a buy-one-get-one-free offer on Twinings tea. I bought peppermint to ease my raging tummy, camomile that boasts it will calm me, some raspberry effort, and my normal green tea.

Yes, I was sad enough to take a picture of it for you today. I had to get SOME fun into my life.

6. I left the shop to be ogled again by a different man, who I wanted to kick in the bollocks and shove backwards by palming his forehead. I stalked off thinking: That fucking tea had better work, or I’m likely to burst.

7. The headache grew worse after yet another man stared at my legs. Just eff off, will you?

8. I got home, saw the heap of laundry, the unmade beds, the overflowing kitchen and bathroom bins, and thought: Eff you.

9. I took a photo of my companions for today. Without them, I’ll go crazy. And no, that bottle of wine in the background isn’t mine. I don’t “do” red, but I’m seriously considering it. And while I'm in moaning mode, I'd just like to say I hate the fact it says "effective pain relief" on my headache tablet box. I should bloody well think so! NON-effective just doesn't cut it, does it? And yes, I'm well aware smoking kills, but if I don't have them, I'm likely to.

10. I should clean, should proof a book, should should should, but I’m worried, the mood I’m now in, that I’ll cock it up. The peppermint tea has gone down nicely, eased the stomach pain, so that’s something. Next on my list is the calming camomile. And a cigarette.

How has your day started? Are you having one like me—and I sincerely hope you’re not—or are you having one that has decided to go right?