Go Ahead...Eat My Leg

I’ve had a lot going on in my life lately. Nothing is good right now. But life goes on and you still have to pay the bills, right? Right.

But I am in NO mood to be screwed with either. I have what my phone company calls a “green line”. Basically, it just gives me Internet and that’s it. No actual land line (I use cell phones). It also hooks up to my satellite for TV in case I want to order a movie—which I never do. And this “green line” costs me forty bucks a month plus tax (that keeps changing from bill to bill) and some mysterious surcharge that I’ve never understood and no one can seem to explain to my satisfaction.

Anyway, a lot was going on this month. I was in a really bad place head wise (still am). And so I forgot to pay the bill until the day before the past due date. Forgot to pay my cell phone bill too. But I paid them both and thought everything was fine. Hell, I paid them last Monday.

So I’m sitting here this morning and my cell phone rings. Now how the phone company knows my cell phone number is beyond me. I sure as hell didn’t give it to them. But I hear this woman telling me this is a courtesy call. “A what?” I said.

She said, “This is a courtesy call to remind you that your bill is past due and the balance of $69.41 must be paid by 5 pm today or your service will be disconnected.”

Okay, people. I’m NO dummy. I said, “Where are you getting that figure? I just paid my bill in full last week and have the confirmation number to prove it. And it was only $48.00 and change. AND…why are you saying this is a courtesy call in one breath and threatening me in the next?”

Yeah, I tend to play with the minds of people I believe are just stupid enough to believe I am afraid of them. I continued, “There is absolutely NOTHING courteous about threatening someone, ma’am.”

Silence. She just didn’t know how to reply. After several empty seconds she says, “How do you plan to pay your bill?”

I said, “Fix the price first. And then we’ll talk payment.”

She says, “I’ll check the account, ma’am.” She does and comes back on after about three minutes and says, “There is a twenty dollar late payment fee.”

I said, “No. Remove that. I paid the day before the past due date so that doesn’t apply.” So she says, “But the payment is still pending.”

HUH? “Pending?” I said. “Yes, ma’am. It hasn’t posted to your account yet.”

So I said, “And whose fault is that? Not mine. I paid it. Cash went out of my wallet to that odd looking girl who never smiles at that little kiosk payment center in the grocery store in town.”

So, we go round and round and I end up with a supervisor. Bitch! But I’m a bigger bitch. Asked for her name and told her she’d be seeing herself on the six o’clock evening news if she did not take that twenty dollar charge off my bill. It was removed, but not without a lot of anger from me. Unnecessary anger at that. I mean, crap. I can send Sarah Masters who lives in Britain an email right now and she gets it less than a second later and these people are telling me that a payment I made a week ago is PENDING????

You’ve gotta watch out for the phone company. They will screw you for sure. Years ago when I was in the construction business, I had a big Yellow Page ad in the phone book. My phone bill was like six and seven hundred bucks for that business every single month. Lots of long distance and such. Anyway, one day I sat down and discovered where I had been double charged for my Yellow Page ad. Had BEEN double charged for almost two damn years. And instead of the phone company sending me a check for this overcharge? They credited my account. I didn’t have to pay a phone bill for well over a year they owed me so much money. But ain’t that something? They want cash and I couldn’t get cash from them.

Onto another PITA situation. My satellite bill has gone steadily up. It’s now sitting at a tad over seventy bucks a month. So I sat down, looked at the different programs and compared them. Did this on Saturday. I finally figured out that I was paying an extra fifteen bucks for all of these music and sports channels we don’t watch/listen to. So I called and asked for a different package. But oddly enough, my bill can’t be credited until next month. Again, I ask you, isn’t it funny you can send an email around the world in a nanosecond and can’t take a charge off a bill the same way?

Anyway, while I am on the phone with this satellite rep she asks if I’d like to get free HD for life. I said, “No such thing as free.” She said, “Oh yes, ma’am. This is totally free. HD will never cost you a penny.” I said, “Okay, sure. I’ll take it.”

Then she says, “Are you at the same address?” I said, “Yes, why?” She said, “So we can send the tech out to install your HD receiver.” I said, “Hold it. How much does the tech cost?” She said, “The tech service is $99.99 and the receiver is on special this month for $199.99.”

The kids rushed into the room. Why? Because they haven’t heard me laugh in a while. And it was the kind of laugh that makes you cry—know what I mean?

After I finally was able to speak again, I said, “So much for free HD!”

She said, “Ma’am the HD is free. And in another year or so, everyone is going to be charging for it. You really need to do this because everything is going HD.” I said, “Honey, I don’t care if everything goes 4-D and they do a remake of Jaws and that big damn fish swims out of the screen and eats my freaking leg I am NOT giving you $300.00!”

Guess you all know I don’t have free HD, don’t ya?

Just a day in the life of Tess. Bring it on!