Dear Sexpert,
I’m a honey bee. What’s my best chance
of beating off the opposition and ensuring I father the Queen’s offspring?
Yours,
Drone
Dear
Drone,
Get
in quick. Then you win by plugging her up after sex. The bad news is the plug
is part of your genitals which snap off inside her. The good news is, you won’t
survive to worry about it.
Dear Sexpert,
Am I normal? I’m a female but I’m the one
with the balls in my relationship. I’m bigger, stronger and fiercer than my
mate. I appear to have a pseudopenis I can make erect. Should I be sticking it
in him?
Yours,
Hyena
Dear
Hyena,
Don’t
worry. What you have is just a massive clit. Give the little guy a chance—he’ll
work it out—or in, if you’re lucky.
Dear Sexpert,
I’m a cichlid fish. I can’t get
pregnant. What am I doing wrong?
Yours,
Confused
Dear
Confused,
Oral
sex is the answer. Your eggs are fertilized by the male while they're being
carried in your mouth. See! He wasn’t lying to you. Think of a blowfish and
don’t swallow.
Dear Sexpert,
I’m such a whore. Last night I was at
the center of a writhing ball of more than 100 red-side male garter snakes, all
trying to have sex with me. And I loved it. Trouble is I’m a male. Does it mean I’m gay?
Yours,
Red
Dear
Red,
No,
it means you were weak, slow and cold. You’ve just come out of hibernation. You
pretended to be female to warm up away from predators. Smart move! However if
you do it again, you’re gay.
Dear Sexpert,
I’m a panda
and I’m addicted to porn. I blame the keepers taking care of me and my woman.
They have us watching panda porn and my mate won’t leave me alone. What shall I
do?
Yours,
Panda
Dear
Panda.
Stop
complaining. Female Pandas only usually want sex on 1-3 days a year. Make the
most of her interest and get her pregnant. No wonder you’re endangered. Switch
onto sports for the other 362 days.
Dear Sexpert,
I’m a very small duck from Argentina
with a very large problem. I’m 17 inches from nose to tail and my corkscrew
shaped penis is also 17 inches long. I might have the longest penis in the bird
world but it freaks out the ladies. What can I do?
Yours,
Argentinean Lake Duck
Dear
Big Head,
Use
it as a lasso, pin her down and screw away. A glass of Malbec afterwards would
be lovely if you’ve the energy to uncork the bottle.
Dear Sexpert,
My mate must have missed sex-ed. He
keeps jabbing me in the abdomen with his penis and squirting into me. I don’t
like to say anything. What can I do?
Yours,
Bed bug
Dear
Bed bug,
Pay
attention. That’s the way you mate. It’s
called traumatic insemination. Sadly my ex thought he was a bed bug.
Dear Sexpert,
My Giraffe mate has a disgusting habit.
He nudges my backside to make me wee and then he tastes it. Oh, yuk. He thinks that
puts me in the mood for sex. Mind you, it’s even worse for my friend the
porcupine. Her mate squirts high pressure jets of urine on her before he mates.
What is it with these guys?
Yours,
Disgusted
Dear
Disgusted,
Mating
for giraffes isn’t easy. He just wants to make sure you’re receptive. He can
taste whether you are or not in your wee. As far as the porcupine is concerned,
he’s just showing off. But to save confusion, try to ensure you don’t pee on
the porcupine.
Dear Sexpert,
I’m a banana slug, a hermaphrodite and
I’m worried. I’m 6 inches long and the banana slug approaching me has a penis 8
inches long. It’s going to get stuck. What can I do?
Yours,
Petrified
Dear
Petrified,
It’ll
go in but if it gets stuck, just bite it off. And stop eating my plants.
Dear Sexpert,
As a silverback gorilla, I have a band
of 30 females that I service on a regular basis, but I’m a little worried about
the size of my penis. Is one and half inches normal?
Yours,
Worried
Dear
Worried,
Yes.
Perfectly normal. Sorry for sniggering. Try to distract her with a banana. It
might work.
Dear Sexpert,
I’m an
Australian marsupial mouse and I’ve been trying to work out why there seem to
be so few males around at the end of the mating season. This is going to be my
first time as an adult and I want to survive the experience. It sounds such
fun. Sex with as many females as possible for up to 12 hours at a time? What’s
the catch?
Yours,
Suspicious
Dear Suspicious,
Enjoy it while you can. You’re so
exhausted after your orgy, you die. But what a way to go!
Check out Barbara Elsborg's books and other fun stuff HERE!
8 comments:
Thanks for having me guys. Any sex problems - don't ask.
You, Barb, are so funny and dig up the strangest and most unusual things. Between laughing my ass off and trying to blink away all these images, I'm left amazed as ever at your imagination. Great post!
LOL Wow, I learned a lot this morning already. Going to have to remember some of this to share with my hubby. :)
Lol. OMG. Thanks for the morning pickup. I now have to take my phone in for service, as I just spewed coffee all over it.
Thanks for stopping by, guys!
hahaha brilliant! If there's ever a "Animal sex habits" round at our pub quiz I'm sorted!!
Thanks, Natalie!! Glad to be of some use.
LOL, what a cute post!
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